Hi FA - Sex was always a difficult thing for H and I. We were good prior to getting married and once we got married it all fell apart. I know now it was all due to H's commitment issues.
That said, H began an A 12/05. We had sex for the last time 2/06. He hasn't put a hand on me (in that manner) since. The lack of sex in our R is what initally made me think that he was having an A. At one point after I discovered his A he said to me that by having sex with me he would feel as though he was cheating on OW. I haven't brought it up since. I don't REALLY want to know why we're not having it now. I'm assuming (and yes, maybe wrongly) that he just needs to heal. He needs to get over OW and concentrate on fixing us. I believe all of this needs to come in his timing, not mine. Which is why I thought it was such a good sign last week when he said it seems like we'll be fixing that problem soon. Soon to me and soon to him are two very different times, but I just trying to wait it out and am hopeful that when it happens I will be able to enjoy the moment and not fill it up with images of H and OW.
In regard to your sitch, I would advise you what I would advise any one of my students - If what is happening to you is making you feel uncomfortable because you feel violated in some way then remove yourself from the situation. It seems like (and rightly so) sex with your H is something that you aren't OK with right now. Listen to your gut. IMO, it's not ok to have sex with someone you don't trust and who doesn't trust you. You're not using sex as a weapon, you are protecting yourself. You have absolutely NO control over what your H does. He is his own man and clearly he will have sex with OW whether or not he's having it with you. I will venture a guess that if you were just dating your H you would NEVER agree to this kind of relationship. Don't settle for it in your marriage.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
