Willing to be disturbed...

[fooled again]

Edie,

I envy you, strangely. Sex has always been something easy and natural for my H and I. But after discovering his A, for a few weeks I couldn't let him touch me. But then I wanted to feel wanted again, and I thought that would be proof that he was sincerely working on our M. I was very, very wrong b/c my H continued his A, even though we were having the best sex in our M, and I later discovered that sex with the OW was ho-hum. The A continued for another year after my initial discovery, plus another 2 mos after that discovery. Now I'm not sure.

I was wondering, did you, and have you continued to tell your H that you couldn't bear to have sex with him, or was it something he just knew and didn't even try to initiate? By not having sex with him, do you think it has made it easier or more difficult for him to end his A and choose to work on your M? I haven't read your entire thread, so I don't know your sitch - there are so many threads with so much history, but I do try to get some background before I write my comments and questions. I hope you do not find my questions too prying, but I am really trying to figure out how to fit DB-ing into my sitch effectively, and lately I feel as though I am chasing my own tail.

I ask this b/c I worry that by continuing to sleep w/ my H, I am enabling him to have his cake and eat it too. I do love him and I am very attracted to him. We are separated, but see each other frequently and talk nearly every night. I have never been one to withhold sex for any reason b/c I have always loved how connected it makes me feel to him. But he continued an A while lying to me that it was over, all the while with me sex with him, not knowing about the A, but hoping that that would help cement our bond and rediscover our connection. Now I've reached a point that I fear that I am being lied to again (or still, depending on how you look at it) and I don't know if ending sexual contact should be one of my tactics to making sure the OW is out of the picture forever by showing him what he will lose. But if he is getting it from her and not from me, do I stand to lose him to her b/c he isn't getting what he needs from me? I do not want to use sex, but I won't be a doormat and I will use any tool I can to get what I want here, to save my marriage. I honestly do not understand men, but I suspect that sex for them is more like food, whereas sex to us is more like a spiritual thing.

I hope I am making sense. I am reaching out to whomever I think has some wisdom from their own sitch to be able to offer me some strategy to do this. I don't have proof of the A, just strong suspicions, the same feelings I had in the past, which were bang on even though I tried to dismiss them.

Thanks,
FA