Aud, Thanks for sharing your experience with having a housecleaner. My W mentioned to me recently how sensitive she is to her environment. Her sister joked about her being "the Princess and the Pea." I guess clutter affects her more than me. I also tolerate things being not yet done better than she does.
I need to listen to her on this issue, and not make a fuss about the money. I'll keep cleaning every Saturday, as my contribution, and let her decide if extra help is needed.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You're welcome. I think the different levels of tolerance for cleanliness are a common conflict in many Rs. If you feel she is truly pulling her weight, and you're doing what you can, then if she's still uncomfortable with her surroundings, it's worth it to get help. If she's just trying to get out of work or looking for things to complain about for the sake of complaining, those are separate issues. Just remember we all need some down time for keeping ourselves sane.
Aud, Matilda, PS, and Jak, I was out dancing at my weekday venue, and had a wonderful time. My W and I practiced before I left, but she decided to stay home and go to bed early. I'm starting to feel like part of the gang there. I left feeling connected and happy. People ask where my W is and I give a vague answer to protect her privacy.
I've been sending her email support about her job crisis. She tends to get paralyzed and overwhelmed, so I asked her some questions to help clarify her priorities and break her feelings of powerlessness. She was able to articulate some short-term and long-term goals, update her resume, and draft a resignation letter.
She's worried about a loss of income if she were to resign, but she does have her cooking income as a safety net. I told her the best decision is the one that will help her to move forward. Standard advice is to have a job lined-up before resigning from your current one, but this rule doesn't seem to work with my W. She stays too long at jobs she's unhappy with, to the point of not being able to tolerate any more. Resigning and adding a part-time job to her cooking job may be the best interim plan. She's appreciative of my advice.
She shared that financial stress reminds her of times when she was hungry during earlier parts of her life. She has a difficult time cutting-back on expenses. It "pushes some emotional buttons" in her. She asked me to not fret about money, or to say we can't afford things.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, It sounds like you are giving your W some exceptional emotional support. I am also someone who gets easily overwhelmed, so takling it through is very helpful.
You are your W's rock right now. You are helping through her inssecurities and struggles. And the job change may be just the thing to jump start her emotions.
You are doing great!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, Thanks. I'm expecting my W to resign from her job soon. My challenge will be to maintain PMA even with the lower income.
I think I will allow my W and I to maintain the positive activities in our lives even with the reduced income. In the past, my response has been to put money as the priority, and to want to reduce expenses, and add no further debt. This time, I will allow us to continue leisure interests such as dance lessons, or ordering carry-out, and simply accept that things will be tight for weeks, and possibly a few months.
My W fears going on a peanut butter and jelly lifestyle, and getting a $10 per week allowance, and having to stop going to the hairdresser and such activities. As I've said, this seems to impact her in a far more negative way than me.
The only thing I will stand firm on is larger ticket items such as vacations need to be put on hold at this time. My hope is that if we can keep the positives in our lives, this will help my W to more easily manage this job transition. I won't be a "bean counter" this time.
I too have to act in ways that will help my W to move forward. My words and actions influence her a great deal.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hope your wife finds a job that brings her satisfaction.....and enough money that you won't have to worry! Meanwhile, happy dancing! Hope you have a wonderful Christmas, CL!
Jak and Matilda, I did have a nice holiday visiting my hometown, where the siblings and families met for the long weekend.
My W and I finished our six week group lessons sessions. My W had a good time, and said that she wanted to repeat the next session. I'm still a little nervous having her there, but am more used to it. I know it would hurt her feelings if I shared any reservation about her being there.
I continue to go to the weekday dance venue by myself to practice my skills, and develop a network of lady dancers. Some weeks are better than others, but I commit to staying at least an hour. Currently, I commit to two dance venues and one group lesson per week to improve and maintain my skills. My W and I usually practice weekly also.
My W will likely resign from her position within the next week. She's nervous about it, but I will support her decision, if she feels this is what she needs to do to move forward. Her cooking job covers 80% of her net income. Her short-term plan is to supplement this with a part-time job.
We've been sleeping together as my sleeping room is getting a makeover with some new paint, and removing the carpet to expose the hardwood floor. It feels odd sleeping with my W. She is distant physically at this time. I give her space for now, but don't think I could do this indefinitely.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 12/27/0710:24 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Does she ask about your concerns when you're relaxing in front of the fire?