Starting to get it...

[Atlas]

Ann,

I'm sure your busy with X-mas coming. But I haven't heard from you in a while, I hope that means things are working out well with you and H. Drop in my sitch and give your two cents. Just thinking of you.

[ann25]

hi atlas, thanks for saying hi. I don't get on the computer at home unless H is sitting right w/ me, so 4 days off work mean 4 days away... i know it's probably been a few rough days for you, hang in there.

sat and sun - i find myself getting frustrated w/ H quite a bit and i can always figure out why, i just have a hard time from preventing the frustration. luckily (for this sitch) i'm able to contain that and no one ever really knows. At least later i can look at the sitch and see why i got frustrated and get over it, thats better than i've ever been able to do before.

H wanted to get the house really clean before Christmas (all the little details). He says we should be able to get it done early. I'm cleaning, he's checking his email. I'm cleaning he's "figuring something out" (??), i'm helping the girls, he's taking a break, i'm cleaning and finally ask him "am I cleaning or are we cleaning." this is my frustration. He helps the girls clean their room. I don't like cleaning, but I know it needs to be done so i do it.

Went out Christmas shopping. Because of the car issues we've been having, didn't have as much extra to spend as we'd have liked, but still got the girls more then enough stuff. H stresses over money like a crazy person. I handle the bills because it was even worse when he used to. He keeps thinking we are going to have to be watching money forever... I remind him how much we've just spent on the car (unexpected) how much we spent on Christmas (extra) and that we didn't have any extra coming in, so next month, that will all be savings. I get frustrated cause he doesn't want to handle the bills, so i do, but then he questions everything i say about the money. I feel like i just can't win.

Mon and tues. finished Christmas shopping (yes, last minute, just a couple things though ) Good day. we do pretty well while we are out. I think my H gets frustrated and angry really easily at home cause he seems to be more mellow when we are out.

mini vent - what is it with guys and electronics. OK - maybe not all guys, but whatever. My H refuses to read the instruction manuals, so i do. Mon night, girls are opening a present for christmas eve and something happens to the video camera and the screen goes black. he pokes at it for about 10 minutes w/ no change, so i asked to look at it. maybe i shouldn't have done this, i think it's a guy thing, kinda like asking for directions, but i thought i could fix it. he gets all whiney and has a little fit about how it's broken and that sucks and blah blah blah... later that night, i switched it off and back on (yep that's it) and what do you know, it came right back on. he said he didn't do it, but it wouldn't have mattered cause it probably just needed time to sit. whatever...

ok all done

christmas was nice, girls slept in (9:00 - WOW) got up, made a big breakfast, opened presents, got all dressed and ready to go to inlaws. Had a nice dinner and the girls got more presents. Spoiled little babies. hehe... j/k. got home, girls fell asleep early, watched a couple movies (AP beta house and deck the halls, both very funny) then went to bed. I initiated, but there were no questions or wierdness from him, so that's good!

on a really good note - D1 has super sensitive skin and got a bad diaper rash last night (other people changing her at grandma's house and didn't know what i normally do, anyways...) when this happens, normally i clean her up and let her laydown naked for a little while and just rub her head to calm her down (hurts her really bad, she crys hard) last night, i asked him to get me her cream (dr prescribed) and he does. rather than just walking away, he actually sat down and helped me soothe her. I don't think he's ever done that before (not that i've seen) it was really nice to see.

[sgctxok]

Hi Ann, I'm glad you had a good Christmas.

DomR really gives great advice, doesn't he. And he can give you perspective of a young man like your husband and how a man changes a little as he gets older.

Your bedroom interactions are like some that go on between G and I recently, and what has worked best for me is just to go at it...and forget the dialog of, well I thought YOU weren't interested...blah blah blah. Even if you begin by faking the enthusiasm...it ends up fun.


Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the apology and told him how much i did and that i understand it's been some long frustrating days lately, but (i didn't say this to him) why is it that i have to have sex w/ him to get an apology.

Don't worry about this. This is just because a lot of men are different than a lot of women. It's kind of like the chicken and the egg, which should come first. It doesn't really matter in the end. And as he and the relationship matures....you can get what you want first....

[ann25]

Thanks SG.

DomR does give great advice. I've seen him get knocked around on some of the other threads, but i appreciate that he doesn't want to just look for the easy way out, but rather find/look for a solution. I saw that in another thread and kinda dragged him over here. hehe

Even if you begin by faking the enthusiasm...it ends up fun.

That's what I've been doing. It just seems like the more I start things and the more I appear to enjoy it, the more he questions me. I'm just trying to ignore the "can't you just be happy that I'm trying" thoughts and focus on why I'm doing it... to make him feel good.

It has definately made me realize how much i miss it. I think I'm back to the point I was at, wanting it all the time, but i just have to work really hard to want it w/ H. That probably sounds bad, but its not that i specifically want it w/ anyone else, just that I'm not attracted to him, so it takes work on my part.

It doesn't really matter in the end. And as he and the relationship matures....you can get what you want first....

Yeah... I know. It's just frustrating. Chicken and the egg. the unending debate. hehe. I find myself getting frustrated with him because he was the one that came back and said he wanted to try again and stay M to me and not file for D like he said, but he hasn't shown me much to that effect. I just keep trying to focus on the little things, like the days he's helped with the girls or when he picks up a little. Stuff like that! It'll get better.

[Atlas]

It just seems like the more I start things and the more I appear to enjoy it, the more he questions me. I'm just trying to ignore the "can't you just be happy that I'm trying" thoughts and focus on why I'm doing it... to make him feel good.

Ann,

His questioning is a way to try and fix it, he is showing care through that. Remember that guys want to fix it, if he can find out why does she want to, well then I can use that all the time. Were you as a women are thinking aren't we happy that were trying, cooperating and working together.

Its a tough one, because there is nothing more important to a guy than the whole manhood issue, and if he feels something was lacking in the bedroom, he's probably pretty hurt. Now that your back to acting on those urges, he is going "What changed? I better figure it out quick, so she doesn't run away from me again." As he searches and searches, not realizing it isn't him so much as it is you, he gets more frustrated cause he can't find the answer. When our W's are unhappy, while the have a right to be, guys usually blame themselves, thinking they failed in some aspect.

Hope that helps.

[ann25]

Hi atlas, thanks... Yeah. I can see that. I definately think he cares and wants things to go back to normal, but you are right, the problem is that the changes in my behavior are just that, my changes. They have very little to do with him. I'm not changing because of anything he's done, so i don't know how to explain to him when he asks.

i know he blames himself. I blame myself too. The thing is, i've forgiven myself for that. I still have to deal with it, but I don't beat myself up over it. He does. He doesn't really talk to me about it, but i can tell. I don't know what i can do for him in that aspect.

[dh4320]

Anne,

I asked this b4 but is he seeing a C? i couldnt remember if u told me yes or no. THe C i am seeing has helped me considerably. If there is a gentle way to lead him into looking at seeing a C i believe that could make a huge difference. just a thought.

DH

[ann25]

I think i answered this, but maybe not...

He isn't and at this point won't. We saw a MC for a while together, but he said they just don't help. The problem is that he wouldn't ever say what he was feeling or thinking and everytime she'd ask a direct question, he'd sugar coat the answer. She'd ask if he was mad about the EA (has every right to be) and he'd say no, that he understands why I did it. It was almost like he was trying to show her that this must all be my fault and look how loving and understanding he was... either that or he just didn't want to talk to a C. He'd certainly tell me later how he felti had to drag it out of him.

he's convinced that they don't work. About every couple weeks i remind him that i get 4 or 5 free sessions through my work, he could pick whomever he wanted and we could do more MC or he could just do the IC. he says he doesn't need that crap...

[dh4320]

Wow Anne,

I dont know who is in a better spot you or me, you have to deal with living with an H who seems a little 2 negative about things, at least my problem i dont have to see everyday and dont have to walk on the eggshells throughout the house. I dont think MC but IC would work for him a bit but if he is not willing than he obviously doesnt think anything is wrong with him. I know my W has mental issues but i still see mine to work on me, i realized that even know my W is irrational i was not self-centered to the point where i didnt feel i could use a little straightening out myself. But again you cant make him and he is not at that point i guess to swallow some pride and deal with his own problems. as far as him being ok with the EA that is an ego response, i say the same about W's A but deep down it hurts..

[ann25]

hi dh, thanks.

I kinda think that sometimes. That maybe if we actually had some time apart, he might actually start appreciating what i do at home and with the girls and I might start missing the little things I've always loved about him rather than getting annoyed with his up and down behavior. Don't get me wrong, i'm glad we aren't to the point of seperation, but i sometimes feel like something has to change in him before I can start feeling normal about being at home.

I used to walk on eggshells with him all the time. I wouldn't say to much or he'd get mad and yell or storm out of the house or hibernate into his office for a few days or something. Now i feel like I'm doing the same things, just differently. I am careful not to mention anything that could possibly further damage his self esteem, or mention that i'm upset or that i need more help or anything. He doesn't get mad as often, but there are also those moments. I've stopped letting him guide how i respond to those, but i kinda feel like i if want this M to work, i don't have a choice to tiptoe around the other (EA and D) stuff...

i can see how it would be an ego thing. That makes sense. The problem is that saving face in front of a MC doesn't save the M.