I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[fooled again]

Peter,

Everyone here is right - you need to BE the person you want your W to believe you are. Words mean nothing, telling her your feelings are not going to convince her and you can easily sound like you are trying to make her pity you and give you a chance b/c she feels guilty or responsible for making you happy. Actions, actions, actions are the only things that matter and the only way you can reach her. And it will take a very, very long time for those actions, if you are consistent and unwaivering, to make a difference. If you truly want to get your W back, you have to work on yourself, be the person she would risk taking a chance on, because it feels like a huge risk to allow yourself to believe in someone who has failed you over and over again. I know this with every fibre of my being.

SPM asked

Why the change of heart in you? Why?
why did you not put a stop to it 3 months earlier? a year earlier? 2 years and 364 days earlier? Why now? Why this time, when your W already knew about the affair, why did this information make you want to quit?

I know I asked you this question myself before but I didn't really get an answer, so I'm hoping you can enlighten me too, b/c I think that my H is still seeing OW. It's been nearly 3 mos since the last time he told me it was over (which was the third time he said this same thing to me), which happened after I used the LRT. But recently his actions are not matching up with his words and I'm getting that gut feeling that things are not right.

In fact, I would appreciate any response from anyone on this thread about what to do when you think the A is still ongoing, but your S says they want to save the M and MOST of their actions show this too. How do I get him to end the A without coming out an accusing him, since I have no proof, just little clues that point in that direction. I don't want to make him feel that I will never trust him or believe anything he says - I know that I could get there if he could only show me CONSISTENTLY that he is trying to regain my trust. I know I shouldn't bombard him with my feelings or tell him what to do. I have asked him for proof that it's over but have not been given anything yet. I fear using the AFTER the LRT because I don't know if I can follow through. I don't really understand what I need to do in this case.

Peter, what made you FINALLY give up the OW and sincerely want to save your M?

FA