I've started a new thread because...well, the title describes it all. I honeslty don't feel like I'm making too much forward progress in many ways.
My experiences of the holidays are here at the end of my last thread.
In part I feel stuck because right now, GAL is still so hard to do. It'll change some in Feb, when I start my graduate program and can shift my busy work schedule some.
I've made some progress (some, not all) in my anger/control issues. I think simply waking up to where I was in my life with those helped a lot.
Another part is W - and my ability/willingness to detach. Seeing her two days a week at work complicates that, for sure. I need those hours at the moment, though - we'll see what Feb brings.
She's also seemingly determined to be friends - to be kind and open to me, at least, which is difficult to say "no" to...to resist. Because I'm a nanometer's breadth away from 100% certain she only wants to be friends. But, how can one claim that you emotionally abused them and hurt them enough to make them want to divorce you, but still want to be friends? What the hell?
Whenever I have a small, positive interaction with W is bouys my mood for a good couple hours. Then I dip, or crash.
I feel that in spite of the emotional harm she caused me, I still want her back. But with what I did to her (both the real wrongs and the supposed ones), I don't believe she'd have me.
Which is something else I'm pondering:
When, if ever, is it time to bring up R-talk again? We haven't had an R-talk since mid-October. More than two months since either of us have mentioned _anything_ beyond our tentative "we're treading on eggshells friendship" stuff. Nothing aobut her leaving me, or how things went wrong.
She seems more open and receptive to me, now. She called me to say Merry Christmas, and she seemed OK with the idea of seeming a movie together on the premise that we both wanted to see it but had no one else to go with (my proposal).
Oh, and from all quarters (various people inquiring; not on my behalf) it sounds like she doesn't have an interest in B in terms of an R - which I take with heavy, heavy skeptecism, but still weigh in.
So.
I'm trying to detach. I'm trying to make those steps. But this woman was such a key person in my life. A lot of my daily tasks and pleasures remind me of her a tiny bit - and these are things I don't want to give up, because they're a lot of things I enjoy (sci-fi in general, for example). My life got saturated with her at my side.
And now here I am, stuck in neutral, trying to move on but, some days I feel like I'm just spinning my tires.
