well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[sgctxok]

Hi Cat....I so respect how you are handling everything.

The therapist may not be right about everything...but I'm not sure that will really matter to you. Emotions, feelings and love are all separate things. I'm sure he loves you already, his feelings have probably started to return and the emotions will flood him in your absence.

I hope you have wonderful holidays.

[cat03]

thanks all of you again)))))) i'm the leach for the time being :P , just taking not contributing, at this point i'm just a horrible warning not an example, will post more as time allows. Of course work has been its busiest EVER, in all the years I've been in this co. I've never had to work this hard, so I hardly have time to post as I'd like.

H has leveled a bit, today he was almost normal, up to yesterday he was just a mess. Both the T and his mom (the other person who knows what's going on and whom my H speaks to) agree that he has changed, something is different this time around. He hugs me often, he sees me, gets sad and hugs me, he's never, ever done this since before he left in 05.

A good friend from church who is a psychologyst talked to me today, I told him the gist of it and he agreed with the T that H is full of fear and trying to run away from himself, which you just can't do. He thought H still loved me but he was too scared to trust again. I will give H his number, he's one of the few people in church whom he likes, hope H calls him.
It was almost normal today, we went to eat after he came from work and I from church.
I have written a list of (well, 2) questions I need to ask him about these past few weeks, 1.when did he start seeing her, 2. clear the question about that night, I want him to admit that he didnt' go there to break it up but to stay, I want him to be honest about that.

I also wrote some useless questions I wont' ask but to which I think I have the answers.I know that while in selfish mode he didn't think far ahead and only thought of himself and that's why he did things that would hurt me, not because they would hurt me but to satisfy himself without realizing the consecuences.

He asked to sleep upstairs, for now I said yes. I have one eye in the present and one in the future, don't want to get in a merry go round which could take me back to square one. Not letting my guard down for a couple of months while we sort things out.
It's a bit eerie that I've cried only once (when I found the phone receipt and realize what could be mean), even today, I only started shaking when telling my church friend about the sitch, dont' know if that's good or bad. I do know that i feel I have a protective cover over me, I feel God fighting my fears and demons and bad thoughts.
We talked about God with H, he says he can't bring himself to believe, that it is hard for him to have faith and can't do it. My church friend says that that's the rooth of the problem, he is trying to do it all himself and it is just not going to work. I pray pray that my H is able to see that he can't do it alone.

Kids are fine, I had a good day, we are going about our business. I agree with you all, I won't play saviour, I"m a listening ear but don't try to "fix" things anymore, I dont' want to make things easy (not hard either) for him, this is his fight, he has to earn every inch.

[limbo]

((((Cat)))

I think that you are doing amazingly, and I know how hard this is, our h sound very similar in there worst!
I hung in because I knew that the man who was doing all of this crap wasn't the man I married, and I knew that he was in there somewhere.
I think that they have to hit a wall before they can see what is happening, and its a slow process for them to wake up.
Even if you don't get back as a couple, for me it was important to bring the good man back for the sake of the kids.
So hang in there, and take care of yourself.

I hope that you have a good Christmas! I will be thinking of you!

[cat03]

Even if you don't get back as a couple, for me it was important to bring the good man back for the sake of the kids.
=================
I hadn't thought about it that way but you are right, we all know how screwed up people because of their parents.

More drama, H still claims he doesn't know what he wants, still not able to tell the truth, etc etc.
Going to see new MC today, hope H is able to open up. And, alas, I 'm having an emergency rooth cannal in 30min, what timing! oh well.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
I really suggest a physical separation. I don't think your H will be able to think clearly living at home with you. Nor do I think you can detach in a healthy way and live your life for YOU while your H goes through this mess. The separation will facilitate both of those things.

I know this is hard in the short term, but I belive it is your best chance at long-term success.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I know this pain all too well.

[cat03]

I have thought that too ps, his T (even though she missed a depression diagnosis on him by a mile) did make a good point, in the past, physical separation did not help at all (him sleeping downstairs, not interacting with the family), only made things worse. I will ask this new MC if he thinks S is healthier at this point.

It is amazing though that after 2 breakdowns (if not more) he is still at a loss of what he wants, he knew that I was seriously considering separation in not D when the crap hit the fan last week.

He keeps having anxiety attacks and doesnt feel well even physically. He most likely needs anti-d meds.

[verycrazy]

Hi, cat, I just read this whole thread on your sitch update. I am so sorry for all this happening. As you know, my H is also a cop, so I feel a special affinity for you and your sitch. I do want to say that the ow being a step above a prostitute, that isn't at all true, she is actually much lower than a prostitute. The Bible says that at least the prostitute just wants to earn enough money to have her daily bread, (or whatever she needs money for), the adulteress is after a man's very soul.

And my H says the same thing about faith or lack thereof. The things he used to believe, he now says he doesn't believe that way anymore. But he is getting better about it, and now I think is coming back around, and will ask me questions about faith that I sometimes have trouble answering.

I really cried when I started reading some of this, I honestly think that cops do have a lot of depression. I occasionally had thoughts of him using his gun on himself or me. Not so much now, but he is still a little depressed, I think, especially about getting older, and being afraid of the future. I don't know if he has had any more relapses when it comes to ow, but he has become an accomplished liar.

I will be praying for you and your family, that the New Year will bring a much better time for you.

L

[cat03]

hey hon! was just reading your thread a sec ago, lol, haven't had the strenght to read any others and I dont' think i'm in any shape to give advice. Happy b-lated bday by the way

In the book "i love a cop" it mentions how a cop will see in a few months , years worth of ugliness that a civilian would ever see during his/her lifetime. H gets called all sorts of names, deals with scum on the earth and I guess that also alters their view of life in general. About the lying, he actually told he MC yesterday "why do I lie so much" and the MC told him that that is what he has become comfortable with, that it is a short and instant fix and that he now needs to be aware and look at the results of his lies and where they have taken him.
My psychologist friend from church suggested he take St John's Worth, which has proven to help people with depression, so I'll get some this before the week is over.

We talked last night, calm talk, I had to ask some questions because at the MC --being the first one with the new MC-- we had to talk about everything that went on since he left, not much A nor ow talk. Supposedly they were just friends, he says he felt I was being unsupportive (which really REALLY made me mad because as you all know we put our M in the back burner for his career) and that EVERYtime we talked about work I'd get pissed off (not true, only once or twice after an argument I told him I didn't feel like talking about his job) and since ow and him had a connection he felt comfortable talking with her.

I had him admit that "friends" dont' go to each other's homes at midnight, specially if they r married, he caught himself before he finished the phrase "but with men is different..." and realized it was BS. Supposedly they just talked, though he admitted when he was breaking down last week that they did sleep together once. That he just needed to talk with someone and only had lunch a few times with her since october. He admitted it was an inappropiate friendship and I reminded him this already happened twice, his answer is "it was a bad idea" or "I was not thinking".
There are lots of inconsistencies with his story, and I dont' know how far to push it, if to wait for MC session next Friday or clear the water now so I don't wallow about those loose ends. He actually opened up and talked more at MC, no ackward long pauses, he asked questions.
I hate his lies, I know he is not really being 100% truthful, it did sound like they had some sort of R or a more intimate kind of "friendship", wish he'd just admitted to that instead of just saying he went to her for moral support.

He's shown so much weakness, he keeps panicking and doing stupid things instead of facing the consecuences. He has lost his way and ... I don't know, this could go either way. I have a lot of conflict in me, I know that if he wouldnt' have been truly sorry this time around I would've prob asked him to leave, but this isn't easy either.

[whapu]

Cat,
I have been meaning to post but have been scrambling fighting my own emotional fires lately and havent been able to push the kids aside and log some computer time. On one of your earlier posts you mention that your husband came from an abusive childhood. I as well am a recipient of such a childhood. I have never used that as an excuse or even a reason for some of my actions (especially lying) because it isn't true. One thing I CAN say is that it has had a huge impact on the way I deal with people on another level which I think relates to your "H". Being I was never adequate enough or did enough in the eyes of my abusive father, I had made a self conscious promise to myself to help EVERYONE and ensure that they didnt share the same self beatings or character beatings that had been afflicted with me. I think that may have been the prime reason your husband chose the field of law enforcement...it feeds two purposes. One...to be in a position of helping EVERYONE and 2. Being in a position of control. Unfortunately, I came to realize the only one you can or should control is YOURSELF. Tough, tough lesson. I haven't even gotten my Associate degree on that one yet
I really think (speaking from myself) that you can pour the worlds medications and herbs down ones esophagus and still get minimal results. Your husband seems to be someone who is missing something...SOMETHING HE LOVES TO DO. Those things tend to change as we grow older or take a different shape. He seems to keep thinking that if he keeps doing what he once loved to do that he will somehow be transported back to that sense of inner worth. I think it might be time for him to look deep within himself to change the shape of what makes him feel worthy. He can still be in law enforcement..but there are more specialized versions that might be his forte more so than what he is doing now.
Why I bring this up Cat is because as you know I suffer from depression as well and I can't tell you how many times I have been told that I need to "swallow" a cure. I tried that and then was told it was the wrong cure. I tried that until I found something that really did the trick.....Stop stressing about the cure and find the resolution within myself. Even though it might be temporary it is something to gain traction from. Much of my depression is the "feeling of inadequatecy". I realize I will struggle through this (and others around me )for the rest of my life but I strive for improvement not perfection. Just my thoughts from me....

There are lots of inconsistencies with his story, and I dont' know how far to push it, if to wait for MC session next Friday or clear the water now so I don't wallow about those loose ends. He actually opened up and talked more at MC, no ackward long pauses, he asked questions.
I hate his lies, I know he is not really being 100% truthful, it did sound like they had some sort of R or a more intimate kind of "friendship", wish he'd just admitted to that instead of just saying he went to her for moral support.

There will be inconsistentcies in his story right now because even to him he can't even tell himself what happened. "Anxiety and guilt" and the drivers of his memory right now. Those two are ALWAYS inconsistent! As time goes on you will get the particulars whether it matters or not. I think he is being truthful in saying that he went for "moral support". His version of moral support is different than yours...Doesnt mean he was right just means that it entails more than just stroking his ego.

He's shown so much weakness, he keeps panicking and doing stupid things instead of facing the consecuences. He has lost his way and ... I don't know, this could go either way. I have a lot of conflict in me, I know that if he wouldnt' have been truly sorry this time around I would've prob asked him to leave, but this isn't easy either.

He has shown so much weakness...and you have shown so much STRENGTH. Focus on your strength and let him focus on his weakness because within every stream of weakness there lies rocks of strength....you just have to wade through the weakness to pick them up.
I admire you in every sense of the word CAT and just know that no matter what direction you take....it will be the right one!
peace.....

[cat03]

thank you friend, I have not told anyone else the whole story, no one will ever understand as the great people who support me here.
I think you are right, he is horribly guilty and anxiety is eating him alive, he keeps going for long walks/drives, at my sister's at Christmas he felt uncomfortable, he told me he had this heaviness right above his heart, a tightness, didnt' feel well, went for a walk and got lost for 40min, he wouldnt' have found the way back to my sisters had I not gone out there (drove around 2x also) for the 6th time calling his name (I actually feared he'd done something awful to himself).

About his job, he's actually a great artist, there is a chance he could work as the dept.'s sketch artist, that would be so great, he is so talented.

I have been on this rd long enough to know that picking the story of the A apart is mostly to satisfy a morbid curiosity than to promote healing, some answers made me very angry and he prob wished he hadnt' said anything.
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Focus on your strength and let him focus on his weakness
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yes, he has to find his own way back to the good man he was and can be. Thank you so much for your words, I really really need them.