What should a father do if his MLC wife is bringing your kids over the OM house and they don't want to? I have 3 D's 14, 12,12 and my oldest told my W that she doesn't want to go over to OM house because he ruined my W and I's marriage. We have been seperarted for a month and she is over their constantly with or without the kids. She'll sit over there and leave the kids home. My oldest is really upset and I try to tell her she needs to speak to her mom about what is bothering her. We split time with the kids 50/50 already and I don't want to take them away from her. My D and my wife have been butting heads for a few years but when I was there I kind of kept the oldest in line. I spoke to her on the phone and told her I know it's very tough for them right now. It tears me up!! But I can't keep them away from her. The worst thing is that 4 months ago I said in MC that she was having an EA with this guy and she denied it..now they are "dating" or so she says. UGGGH!
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
patrick...most lie and say there is nothing going on in counseling....
she should not be having the kids around him, he she wiling to go to counseling to review with the C what is the best approach to help the kids with this transistion? I do not think any sane C is going to support your kids being involved or subjected to their relationship at this time and then it is not you telling her what to do, becuase my guess is she will view it has controlling becuase all teh blame for everything comes our way....so I would suggest that approach ask if she will meet with the C to talk about the transistion for the kids...just go along with her on this whole thing since it is happening you want the impact on the kids mimimized and really the C will probably say she shoudl spend her time with OM when she doesn not have the kids...which is 50% of the time....these walk aways are so selfish it kills me what they will put the kids through in the name of happiness! Hang in there...its a tough road
With the children, all you can do is protect them, and comfort them. Your wife is still their mother.
Your D 14 is...14. Your wife is doing damage to their relationship, hers and your D's. Not damaging your relationship with your D.
You have told your wife that you do not like this. There is little else you can do. You have told your D, let your mom know. Which is good. Was it one sided?
I told my boys, "If either me or mom are doing something you don't like, let us know. Talk to us. It is a confusing time right now for me and mom. Now, just to let you know, I'm not talking about changing your bedtime to an hour later or anything like that. But if you think we aren't spending enough time with you, stuff like that."
It is in your best interest to keep life as fair as possible for them. They will remember it.
I think you are doing well in regards with your children, but it is worth repeating.
DO NOT influence your children with how you feel about the OM, or what you might think is wrong with your Wife.
They will remember and it will shape them much more than you think it will.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
well, my d14 doesn't want to stay with her mom so I constantly tell her I understand she is going through something very tough. And I have told her that her mom is going through a tough time and is not sure whats going on. It's the only way I can keep her from hating her Mom. I try to reassure her that I am trying to keep our family together. Maybe I will try to get her to talk to family C and see if she can figure something out.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I know you have addressed this before but I have to ask again: Would it help if I made my wife jealous? Not that I would hurt another person but a few innocent dates (platonic). Wouldn't it spark some jealousy and make her want me more??
No, you do not have to ask again. Do you think out answers will have changed--they seemed clear the first time? Go back and reread the responses to this same question.
When a poster asks questions like this while acknowledging they are being repetitive it makes me wonder if this has been a pattern in their marriage.
To acknowledge you have asked and we have answered and yet repeat the question makes me wonder if you were not listening. How has your wife felt in your relationship> Has she complained that you do not listen or pay attention to her? That you do not seem to give her feelings importance--that you do not validate her?
As for multiple threads. Well, I've discussed with you already how dating to make your wife jealous is a form of manipulation and control. That is what you are doing with multiple threads also. I've been reading this thread.
The answer to your question is here, so read it there. But go take a look in the mirror. What do you need to work on and improve? Your lvel of panic indicates a fear at losing control. You can only control your Self. That may be one of you lessons on this journey.
I guess it is a way to control, but I see it a way to shock and wake her up from this one sided thinking. Maybe it's a sign of my desperation but she keeps talking about D and is hanging out with the neighbor OM....I'm scared and willing to do anything to get her back. I have tried a lot of things and I have been Dbing pretty well since I moved out. But it doesn't seem to be working too well. She is still very angry, suspicious, and self centered...maybe I'm not cut out for this?
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
That is about as realistic as, going to Sports Authority buying a home gym and thinking:
"Great! I'm going to look like a male underwear model!...Tomorrow morning!"
This crap takes time.
DBing takes time. There is no overnight fix.
You were married for 17 years man, I'd call you a wuss if you gave up right this instant. You can try to do this a bit longer. Ultimately though, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, with the possible exception of your children you do this as long as YOU can do this, the only person who wears your shoes is you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I know I am impatient....but she keeps pushing me. If she files I will probably freak. It really hurt me when she told me about dating the neighbor...i was going in to the grocery store and I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I see it a way to shock and wake her up from this one sided thinking.
If your iwfe is in MLC there is no way to prevent it. If you pull her out of the MLC tunnel she will return immeditaely or later for a trip that is MUCH worse.
MLC is a crisis of identity. What you are doing by preventing this crisis is not allowing her to find her identity. Identity crises don't wait for a convenient time. If the time were convenient, there would likely be less need for crisis.
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I'm scared and willing to do anything to get her back.
Are you willing enough to do NOTHING?
Fear prevents that. But as you release your fear, you can sit back and let go. You are not directing this movie. It will likely happen whether regardless of you feelings and pain. In MLC DB'ing for reconciliation is for the future. What can you do now to pave a safe path for your wife AFTER her crisis?
You cannot, will not and should not prevent this crisis. It is her opportunity. It can be a painful process, but the rewards can be great. Do you want to deprive her of that?
You have a choice in this. You can choose to accept the process and then work on your Self, work toward detaching and surrending. OR you can fight it like drowning man. So what do you want to do, float or fight?
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I have been Dbing pretty well since I moved out. But it doesn't seem to be working too well.
It may be working just fine. The problem is with your goal. You have been DB'ing to change her mind. DB to change you. You will not change her mind (if this is MLC). She must discover who she truly is, deal with her past issues and then reintegrate her Self. DB'ing lays a foundation for rebuilding LATER.
MLC is a jounrey to go through, not something to cure or get OVER.
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She is still very angry, suspicious, and self centered...
Get used to it; this is a long jounrey.
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maybe I'm not cut out for this?
In all things we have a choice. Change your cut. You can choose to handle this. The choice itself is simple, DOING IT, LIVING IT, that is the challenge and the reward. Did you mean it when you spoke your vows? Did you say 'til death do us part? It is a misconception that marriage is easy. It's not easy. It's great, rewarding, joyful, but it takes work. You may have been existin within your marriage, taking it for granted. Now comes the work, and maybe since you may not have been doing the necessary work for awhile, you have to work overtime now.
You are cut out for this if you say you are. What you believe can be made true.
