hmmm...patience. I don't feel patient. I'm starting to resort to desperate measures - lingerie (or sexy pj's) every night (and baby, it's cold outside), waltzing around the house in underwear (not at all my my typical behavior), and plenty of thoughts rolling around my head. I haven't said anything to H. I really don't want to pressure him, verbally at least. I don't think it's really necessary, at this point, to have a full fledged conversation about it because I'm hesitant to even do the deed. I think it would be awesome to have this kind of contact with H, but at the same time I am so nervous that we're going to get to that point and images of OW and H will flash into my mind and then it will completely ruin the moment, H will feel rejected, and it will be another 24 months before he touches me again. I don't want to rush this, but I want it to be fixed. And fixed right now!
On the other hand, we have such a nice time together and get plenty of hugs/kisses/cuddles in throughout the day. I really don't have any complaints except for the sex thing. And even then I have a feeling that when it happens, I'll complain about it....this guy can't win!
I had another reminder today of who I am and it was nice. H and I went shopping. I got some great deals on some clothes. I had decided which sweater I wanted to purchase and H came over and the following convo ensued: M: well, what do you think? H: hmm... I guess it's ok. Are you going to buy it? M: Yes, I really like it. H: I'm surprised [you like it]. I don't really like it that much.
In the past, I would have hung that sweater up and moved on. Now, I looked back at the sweater and thought, what's not to like? I'm buying it. And I did. A small victory, but they add up. I like working on making me whole and happy with who I am. H likes it too.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
