Still stuck in Limbo Land

[MariS]

12-27-07

Journaling....

Still trying 2 survive WAH-MLCer's MLC,the holidays & his B-Day.

WAH-MLCer blew up last week, we had an arguement, accusing me of many things, repeating he doesn't care, I'm not the one he wants to be with, blah, blah, blah. (Guess friend/OW is pressuring)

I kept reminding him that I was not "using" child against him like he thinks, & everyone else (probably friend/OW) BUT that I was fighting for our family. Trying to keep the door open so WAH-MLCer doesn't miss out on the joys(and pains) of having our child and the pleasure of raising child.

Needless to say, he didn't come home that night. BUT, the next day he acted as if nothing ever happened and things were normal. Then on his B-Day, he was pretty much MIA. However, he did spend the rest of the weekend & X-Mas holiday with child & I at rent property.

Naturally, I did all the work, cleaning, taking care of child, cooking, shopping, etc. WAH-MLCer was hot & cold, but at least he was better than last year. <sigh>

I did confirm last night while WAH-MLCer was at the bar, again, that he did have keykatcheron our computer at the house. Ugh!!!

Over the next week, I plan to remove it & see what he does. It is not a software program, but a device that was attached between the harddrive & the plug for the keyboard. Very discreet & sneeky...

One good funny I did have over the holiday is I caught WAH-MLCer red handed looking at my cell phone. I pretended that I hadn't noticed & didn't bring the subject up. Plus, every time my phone beeped w/a txt, he would comment on it, so I muted it for the holiday. (heee...heee....)

On a sad note, WAH-MLCer is back to drinking Vodka again.

It is VERY hard for me to keep quiet when I have sooo many questions for WAH-MLCer and what to share sooo many thoughts, dreams, concerns and opinions w/him.

Then out of left field last night, after we went out for dinner, WAH-MLcer's suggestion due to all of my cooking, he made an unsettling comment.

WAH-MLCer stated that he was seriously thinking about following up with a realtor in the new year to move somewhere colder. I replied "okay."

Then I proceeded to "As If" the topic was about us moving as a family and asked child if child would like to see snow, learn to skate and ski.

Guess WAH-MLCer believes that with move, he can have a fresh start or a do over. BUT doesn't realize that it will not solve his battle within himself. Something that we have all learned here.

This IS a very long process and I will admit during these past 9 days, I was on the verg of giving up. I keep praying multiple times daily for guidance, our family, for WAH-MLCer's heart to open up to me as well as thanking the Lord for what he has given me; my child & pets who are my life lines.