Cat, I have been meaning to post but have been scrambling fighting my own emotional fires lately and havent been able to push the kids aside and log some computer time. On one of your earlier posts you mention that your husband came from an abusive childhood. I as well am a recipient of such a childhood. I have never used that as an excuse or even a reason for some of my actions (especially lying) because it isn't true. One thing I CAN say is that it has had a huge impact on the way I deal with people on another level which I think relates to your "H". Being I was never adequate enough or did enough in the eyes of my abusive father, I had made a self conscious promise to myself to help EVERYONE and ensure that they didnt share the same self beatings or character beatings that had been afflicted with me. I think that may have been the prime reason your husband chose the field of law enforcement...it feeds two purposes. One...to be in a position of helping EVERYONE and 2. Being in a position of control. Unfortunately, I came to realize the only one you can or should control is YOURSELF. Tough, tough lesson. I haven't even gotten my Associate degree on that one yet I really think (speaking from myself) that you can pour the worlds medications and herbs down ones esophagus and still get minimal results. Your husband seems to be someone who is missing something...SOMETHING HE LOVES TO DO. Those things tend to change as we grow older or take a different shape. He seems to keep thinking that if he keeps doing what he once loved to do that he will somehow be transported back to that sense of inner worth. I think it might be time for him to look deep within himself to change the shape of what makes him feel worthy. He can still be in law enforcement..but there are more specialized versions that might be his forte more so than what he is doing now. Why I bring this up Cat is because as you know I suffer from depression as well and I can't tell you how many times I have been told that I need to "swallow" a cure. I tried that and then was told it was the wrong cure. I tried that until I found something that really did the trick.....Stop stressing about the cure and find the resolution within myself. Even though it might be temporary it is something to gain traction from. Much of my depression is the "feeling of inadequatecy". I realize I will struggle through this (and others around me )for the rest of my life but I strive for improvement not perfection. Just my thoughts from me....
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There are lots of inconsistencies with his story, and I dont' know how far to push it, if to wait for MC session next Friday or clear the water now so I don't wallow about those loose ends. He actually opened up and talked more at MC, no ackward long pauses, he asked questions. I hate his lies, I know he is not really being 100% truthful, it did sound like they had some sort of R or a more intimate kind of "friendship", wish he'd just admitted to that instead of just saying he went to her for moral support.
There will be inconsistentcies in his story right now because even to him he can't even tell himself what happened. "Anxiety and guilt" and the drivers of his memory right now. Those two are ALWAYS inconsistent! As time goes on you will get the particulars whether it matters or not. I think he is being truthful in saying that he went for "moral support". His version of moral support is different than yours...Doesnt mean he was right just means that it entails more than just stroking his ego.
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He's shown so much weakness, he keeps panicking and doing stupid things instead of facing the consecuences. He has lost his way and ... I don't know, this could go either way. I have a lot of conflict in me, I know that if he wouldnt' have been truly sorry this time around I would've prob asked him to leave, but this isn't easy either.
He has shown so much weakness...and you have shown so much STRENGTH. Focus on your strength and let him focus on his weakness because within every stream of weakness there lies rocks of strength....you just have to wade through the weakness to pick them up. I admire you in every sense of the word CAT and just know that no matter what direction you take....it will be the right one! peace.....
