I just found this book after wondering for months what I was doing wrong.
My DH and I have been together for three years. In the beginning, sex was great. We would have sex several times a week. Then he began having issues at work and we didn't have sex for 5 months. I got upset about it and he had made a comment about him thinking our relationship wasn't based on sex, I told him how unloved and unattractive I felt he vowed to work on things.
Things were ok for a couple of months, then things slid again. I got upset again, he vowed to work on things, and this became our cycle. For about two months after I would talk to him, we would have sex at least once a week, at max once every two weeks (which while I would have preferred more, I could accept), then things would slide again that it would be two to three months with nothing and I would become upset and tell him this bothered me and he vows to work on things.
A couple of months ago I told him that this cycle repeating was wearing on me and that each time I felt more and more angry at him. He vowed to work on things and guess what?
Here we are again. After another two months of him not touching me, I cry myself to sleep at night. I am a non confrontational person and he wants us to go to bed at the same time, so we do and I lay there and cry because he does not touch me sexually. He gives me a peck on the lips (and I mean just a peck), he puts his arm around me (which I sometimes just want to push away because it doesn't mean anything right?), he tells me goodnight and he loves me, and he goes right to sleep. And I cry. I lay there and wonder why he married me. He obviously doesn't love me, he doesn't find me attractive, what was wrong?
About a year ago, I saw an article that stated the men displayed love by sex. I showed him the article and asked if this were true. He said that it was. I have been so depressed thinking he didn't love me because he would not initiate lovemaking and would often turn me down when I initiated.
I just started reading this book and already I can not believe how like us this book is. I was beginning to think that maybe I should move into the spare bedroom. I know it is just the start of my journey, but I already feel better knowing that there may be a solution to this madness. I feel better knowing that other people have the same issue. I also feel a lot better knowing that he probably really does love me with all his heart as he states.
Welcome aboard, LH. Everyone here, male and female, understands what you're going through. The general beliefs about men and sex don't hold in many of our R's.
I haven't posted very often here, but your story could have been written by me - other than the length of time between, I would have been long gone if I had to wait that long. I now realize that I should have paid more attention to the warning signs and made a graceful exit 2 years ago - but now that we are married I have struggled with finding a middle ground. No advice here, but your story is sooooo familiar that I could have written it myself...
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
I hope things don't come to that. I love my husband, I really do and I try hard to believe that he loves me like he professes.
When I talk to him about our lack of sex, he states he understands how I feel. We don't yell or argue about it. Things change for about two months and then they go stale again and we have another conversation. For me, everytime we go throught his cycle, I get more angry that we are going through this again.
He is perfect in every other way. This is my second marriage and he is so much different then my first husband. He cleans up after himself. If I am tired after a long day at work and don't feel like cooking, he will. He helps with my son from my first marriage. He takes me places that I have never been (my first hubby took me absolutely NO WHERE). He is not verbally abusive like my first H. And where as my first husband wanted sex all the time this one never wants it. Complete opposites.
