Ill be on the boards still, but I am comitted to giving this at the least 6 months max 1 yr.
Good for you. Now, last night when you were thinking these things to yourself why did you not say them out loud? Your wife needs (and deserves) to know what you are thinking and you need (and deserve) for her to know.
JMHO
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I know I know.. Its one of my faults.. I avoid saying things like that because shes got such an irrational temper and I just dont want to deal with it. If I had said that she would have been mad, yelled at me for being crappy, turned it around on me saying somehting to the effect 'If you want to play games like that I can to" or "I didnt know I had to keep score of all the things you do for me so I can do them for you" or 'Well maybe if you would do ___ fo rme now and then id do ___ for you more" Theres always some way that she twists it to make it my fault that I didnt get what i want/need from the relationship.
I avoid saying things like that because shes got such an irrational temper and I just dont want to deal with it.
She has you trained with her irrational temper. So now you have two irrational's.
Not wanting to deal with it has gotten you here. Now you say you are willing to stay 'here' for up to a year. What if she gets pregnant in that year? Then how long will you be willing to stay in this place?
If I had said that she would have been mad,
And? Is it bad if she is mad?
Newlywed, I am not saying this to be mean, but you are so lost, you dont even know your lost. She is much much better at the verbal arguments then you are correct? It tires you out and isnt fun and you just want to be kind to each other. Right? What if I tell you before it gets better its going to have to get much less fun, more tiring, less kind to each other. Do you have the energy and stomach for it?
If you give a gift to someone and they dont appreciate it, do you just keep giving them more gifts?
If I had said that she would have been mad, yelled at me for being crappy, turned it around on me saying somehting to the effect 'If you want to play games like that I can to" or "I didnt know I had to keep score of all the things you do for me so I can do them for you" or 'Well maybe if you would do ___ fo rme now and then id do ___ for you more"
Why dont you try coming up with a response for each one of these comments for her. I want to know how you feel about each one of these comments. Take you time.
When is the last time she rubbed your feet, cooked you a meal you like, washed your back.... anything? Are you her H, or are you her house boy?
Well each of her comments I think only make the problem worse. Ive tried to tell her that being snide and nasty back when were fighting doesnt solve anything it only makes things escalate. Ive tried to talk to her rationally but yes, she is much better at arguing than I am. I didnt come from a family that fought alot. We were mostly peaceful and when my parents did argue they did it in a loving, constructive way without snide sarcasm and ugliness. The only response I usually have is 'No im not playing games, im trying to tell you my perspective" or 'Im not keeping score, im just feeling like its kinda one sided lately.' or 'I do x,y,z for you and you dont even notice, or its become EXPECTED and I dont like to do it if its a condition for you to want me' She hasnt rubbed my feet really ever, but thats not really my thing anyways. She does cook, we share the cooking about 50-50. I usually do it on the weekends and she does it during the week as she gets home earlier than I do.
I'd recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and check out their website. Like me, you are TOO nice, and you haven't done a good job at letting your wife know what your needs are, and then STANDING UP for yourself.
It took me 25 years, but I finally figured it out, with the help of everyone here. Whether or not it works in THIS marriage, I still do not know, but those skills will SURELY help me in my next relationship, if this one doesn't work out.
You're staring at 20, 30, 40 years of stewing, silent resentment if you don't learn to do something about this NOW. Either leave the marriage before you have kids, because you appear to be sexually incompatible (what most of us are trying to tell you), or -- if you want to fight for it -- then STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
Ive already read No More Mr Nice Guy. Unfortunately I dont retain much of what I read. Took me forever to get through college, but thats another story. It is true though, ive turned into a wimpy little 'dont upset the queen or she may not give you any' Well im not getting any anyhow so whats the difference? We talked briefly about it last night. About how I missed how easy things were in the beginning and how I feel closer to her when we connect in that way. How she feels loved by me going to the store or getting a meaningful gift for no reason. I feel love through intimate physical contact. That I miss the way we used to flirt with each other and could play and laugh together about it and had cute names for our anatomy. Now she gets offended if I say them. That this should just be a thing we do, it will sometimes be flirty, sometimes be playful, sometimes romantic, sometimes a quickie in the morning before work. To me thats what a marriage is. Its not one person always initiating. Its not having a stunningly beautiful wife that im not allowed to touch and that hasnt touched me in months. I mean we have sex yes, but she hasnt physically touched my anatomy in months. Im the one shes supposed to love above all others before and this is how i feel cared about. She said if i didnt complain about it all the time maybe shed do it more often. I said I dont think I complain about it all the time. It had been 2 1/2 weeks since the last time we had sex and ive barely mentioned it. She said no, youve said something evey day. So we have a real disconnect on how often the subject is even discussed. I dont know guys.. it is what it is, either she and I will somehow come through this or we will continue to drift apart eventually giving up. I just know ive never had a relationship THIS difficult before and Ive had some tough ones. Ive never had anyone make such a big deal out of sex.
Just judging from both my own experiences and the many others on this board, she will ALWAYS have a "if you'd just do _____," or "If I just had _______ ," or "Maybe after the _______," list going.
Those are diversions. Either she has issues that she's willing to deal with, or you'll just have to resign yourself to the fact that your libidos will never be close to the same. Only you know if that's a dealbreaker for you -- we can't answer that for you. What we CAN tell you is, there are a ton of us out here who wish we'd made the decision early on, before kids were involved.
I honestly doubt we will ever have kids. Its really weighed heavily on me the instability and rageful abusive temper she has and I wouldnt want to expose kids to that. She and I are both older and she is nearly past the age where having kids would be a good idea. She just doesnt seem like the motherly type. She hasnt had any from previous relationships or her previous marriage. Which I thougth was REALLY odd at her age, but I went ahead with the relationship anyways. I would give 100.00 to dig up her old boyfriends or even better her 1st husband and pick their brains.
