Most people would not stand for one minute let alone for several months. You have stood for some reason known only to you. I respect that.
I hope I didn't offend you with asking about your emotion when you spoke to him about dinner. If I may offer something that many do not agree with but while I think it is important to keep boundaries, I am careful, in my sitch, not to make my W feel that she has gone too far and that she cannot come back or feel welcome in our home.
I don't see my wife being a "cake eater" so I am not concerned about giving her the impression her actions are okay. She knows that I do not agree with her choices. If your H is the type to be a cake eater, you probably need a defined boundary that it is your house and you run it your way.
I have had to be firm in the way I raise the children. She used to be in line with me (or I could say I was in line with her methods) but she has changed her POV. I have continued with how the woman I married wanted to raise our children, morally and otherwise. We are always complimented about our children so I see no reason to change. It is less confusing for our children.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Momo-thanks for your thoughts. I would love to know what you think was the reason that your husband finally came back. Are things going well?
MMF-you have not offended me. I tend to think that my H is a cake eater. I found effidence last night that he has been "talking" to this OW for at least a year now. This is a woman that we both know-he works with her, my children know her and to top it all off she is the neice of my good friend/next door neighbor, so she is in my neighborhodd quite frequently. And I have visions of us divorcing and him going over there for family functions with OUR kids while I sit next door alone!! This has affected SOOOO many lives. He does not know the pain he has caused in not just these 2 families but with our friends and extended family. The ripple affect is unbelievable!
But he just doesn't care. He needs to be hit in the head with a 2 X 4!
He still is upset when he finds out that I told someone else about our situation. He's been gone 3 1/2 months. What does he expect?
Ok-enough venting. I have to get ready for work and he has the week off and is coming to stay with the kids. Unfortuatly, he will be in the house w/o me. Maybe snooping, maybe taking more things out of the house. I'll lock my computer for sure. WTF??!!! Can you tell I'm a mess today?
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
ba065-My H was Mr. Angry guy for such a long time also. And he was so great at making everything my fault as well. But since he has moved out and I began DBing-not hounding him, leaving him alone, being fun and upbeat in his presence, he has lost the anger. I would think that it would be harder to DB while your spouse is living in the same house. I don't know. I only discovered DB after he moved out. Trust me, I wish he were still home, but I have to work with what I've got. Good luck-keep me updated!
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
Hi Mrs LBW--That is a tricky one (the date). Can you go and keep it platonic? Not sure what the DB approach to this situation is.
I too have a H (at home) in MLC. There is no OW involved in any way, that is clear. Still, H feels like he might need to live alone in order to find happiness--even though we have a good marriage with tons of potential. H seems like he is truly ill with MLC and has nothing to give me emotionally right now. I am tryyyying to be patient and understanding but it's so hard because I want to be loved the way he has loved me for 17 years. He says he was living a lie for many years--but to me it's so clear that THIS phase is the lie.
Anyway, I just found out that a man I have always had a crush on is now separated from his wife. Sounds like another MLC situation, so who wants to deal with that again? Still, I am SO tempted to call him and have a fling--I won't, but it sure is hard to be waiting around for one's H to be ready for a relationship. It's surreal.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
The emotional rollercoaster does that to us. Nothing makes sense. You have no appearance of control over the situation.
With regards to items in the house, they are only material items and rank well below your marriage. I know many people will worry about what they get out of the marriage but they are not important. The only importance is children and your spouse. I do agree putting a password on your computer. I have done the same thing.
Placing value on material items speaks volumes about where people are in importance to someone. On the other hand, I do not intentionally try to give anything of ours to my wife unless she asks for it and I don't need it. She has even made comments about our cat coming to live with her and I have no issue if the cat is at her house. Our D is allergic to cats anyway. I have recommended to my W to buy an air purifier so if our D wants to spend the night, she shouldn't have an allergic reaction.
The point I am making is that once we get to worrying about items that are of no importance, it is harder to focus on the really important things, like our marriages. I am not saying you are doing this, I am saying most people do end up concentrating on areas in order to get what they feel is their fair share.
What your H has done is so very wrong. I recommend not to join the game. It is so easy to do and I have caught myself doing that many times.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
...Anyway, I just found out that a man I have always had a crush on is now separated from his wife. Sounds like another MLC situation, so who wants to deal with that again? Still, I am SO tempted to call him and have a fling--I won't, but it sure is hard to be waiting around for one's H to be ready for a relationship. It's surreal.
I understand the temptation but they are only separated. You would become the OW. It is nice to feel validated. To feel desired and wanted. But it is false and meaningless. It would be only to feel less empty.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I have been asked out on a date and I would like to go.
Do I tell him? So that I don't have to hide anything?
You're not asking if you should go on the date, right? You are asking if you should tell your H that you are going on a date.
What will you accomplish by going on a date?
Of course there are all the questions of what kind of date is this? just the 2 of you? a group date? a romantic candlelight date? a lets get a bunch of us together and go grab a bite to eat date?
That you have in interest in another man is information that really helps me understand how easy it is for you to say to your H you set him free. Man in the wings.
Ok gang, if I am being honest with everyone including myself I have to admit that I like this other guy. But-keep reading: I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK. The other guy is a distraction for me at this point. And he knows everything that I am going through. We are nothing more than friends now, because he is devoting himself to his children now (he has been legally separated for 4 years) and I don't want him to get hurt by getting too close and have me get back with H. Meeting this other guy has helped me take my mind off my sitch and to DB better. He was a left behind spouse also whose wife had OM. So, he gives advice and suggestions. He tells me that I should do everything I can to keep the marriage together. This has also shown me a little of what my H is feeling for this OW. He has sworn that they are just friends-but who knows. I can honestly say that I have done nothing wrong.
So, when I say "date"-it's just 2 people getting together for a meal or drinks and talking. Nothing more. But, I worry about what other people might think. I have other male friends, as a matter of fact one of my attendants in our wedding was a guy.
And while on the honesty train here, I told H that I was giving him his freedom to get a reaction. I know it was risky, but I am so tired of living in limbo I wanted to change the rules a little. They have been his rules for months now and I wanted to, I guess, speed things up. I suppose that is another reason I want him to think I am dating. I am in a place now that I feel the need to "turn a page". If the risky move I made makes him leave me for good, then he doesn't want me badly enough and then why do I want to have him? And if he leaves me for good, I know that I can find someone else in time, that I won't have to be alone and that I will survive. But he needed a slap in the head.
I have found out these last few months that I don't need a man. But I do want one. The one I want most is my H. But if he can't snap out of it and come back to me on his own, I might not be waiting. I think that these guys-these cake eaters-think that we will always be waiting for them. Well, maybe this is his reality check.
I am sick of the rollercoaster.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
