Still hopeful for some pleasant surprises

[mako]

Hey Sir, thought you disappeared, didn't know you came over here.

Not much to say, but sounds like all in all you had a nice Christmas, lots of quality time with family, the kids, and even some with W. Good for you! Try not to let the loneliness drag on you...

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Mako,
lonely is as lonely does, I guess. I try to keep busy.

Interesting conv tonight. I called the stbxW of the OM. Ok, get this straight, my W had an affair with my best friend, the families were friends. So of course I know the man's wife. In fact she is the one who told me about our respective spouses and their "thing".

Back in January my W asked me to stop talking to the OM's wife. Wanting to reconcile and honor her wishes, I did. But now that papers are filed, I figured that committment is null and void. So I called her up. We played phone tag a while. finally spoke w/her tonight.

My W and OM are still hot for each other apparently. in the past, W told me repeatedly "he is not the man for me" in the past and sort of minimized the affair as something that was over, something that did not affect our marriage, in fact it was a symptom, not a direct cause of anything, and anyway a minor footnote in our marriage (the main theme being, of course, my chronic abuse of W)....

Chalk this up to "believe none of what they say...." . The OM's stbxw told me that they still see each other regularly, exchange email with all sorts of lovey talk "I'm so hot for you" etc etc.

Lovely.

I also learned that the OM is dating other people, in addition to my wife. I do not think my wife is aware of this, or maybe she is, and she is too phreaked in the head to even care. Maybe she likes the idea.

So where am I now?

• I learned that I am willing to believe the best, even when the much more likely scenario (the affair is still happening) is staring me in the face.
• I realize that my wife pecking me on the cheek on christmas was .... not what I thought it was.
• I resolve to get with an attorney and move the divorce negotiations onward a little more aggressively.

[SirPrizeMe]

so... anyone have anything to offer on the various puzzles I presented?
- getting sexually aroused while looking at wife's face. Should I just chalk this up to the 10-month forced celebacy period?
- what do I do about the newly refreshed A activity I learned about? Ignore? acknowledge?
- should I advise W that I know she is still seeing (fcuking) OM? should I advise her that OM is seeing (fcuking) other people?

also, one new angle.
W disclosed that she has a large rash on her side. To me this is just more symptoms of stress. Should I contact her to inquire how she is doing? That feels like lack of detachment here.

Sheesh, I am not a good DBer at all. I don't know what to do.

Another thread I read tonight had a man sending his WAS a heartfelt letter. I thought that was out-of-bounds for DBing?

[SirPrizeMe]

one last thing:

History repeats itself.

W's mother had an affair when W was just 6 yrs old, this led to the dissolution of W's mother's marriage. W's mother was poor and challenged in other ways the rest of her life, became an alcoholic, never had a lasting R with another man. W had an affair when my youngest daughter was just 5 yrs old. . ., which is now leading to the dissolution of W's marriage. . .

OM's father turned to drink and left the family when OM was just 2 years old. OM turned to drink and has now effectively abandoned his children, seeing them once every 2-3 weeks. This man used to be a daily caregiver. His youngest is just 3 years old.

Can they not see themselves repeating history?

[SirPrizeMe]

And another thing:

I sent a Christmas card out with a photo of me and the kids, signed "the XXX Family" , wrote a short note to friends and family.

The back of the photo was "the XXX Family" with my name, all the kids names and ages. No W anywhere.

[SirPrizeMe]

bump!

[Virtually_Handsome]

- getting sexually aroused while looking at wife's face. Should I just chalk this up to the 10-month forced celebacy period?

I think so. That and irrational optimism.

- what do I do about the newly refreshed A activity I learned about? Ignore? acknowledge?

Nothing?

- should I advise W that I know she is still seeing (fcuking) OM? should I advise her that OM is seeing (fcuking) other people?

Why? It's her problem, not yours. She wouldn't believe you anyway, or we be upset that you talked to OM stbx.

- should I advise W that I know she is still seeing (fcuking) OM? should I advise her that OM is seeing (fcuking) other people?

Again, why? I don't think there is any reason to look for reasons to talk to her, or extra things to talke to her about, at this point.

All the other stuff sounds pretty MLCish. Trying to communicae in what you think is a rational manner isn't going to work. You don't speak her language right now.

[SirPrizeMe]

Jeff, you're RIGHT ON.

I'm just going to Let It Be.

[SirPrizeMe]

Journaling

last night at kid bedtime, I called W's cellphone as usual. No response on three tries. I left msgs saying I wanted to say goodnight to the kids.

I had also sent some text msgs to her, no response on those either. Maybe her phone is dead. Maybe she is busy.

whatever!

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think we've gotten too used to the immediacy of cell phones. There are a boatload of potential reasons she didn't answer the phone. And a huge number of them are totally innocent. Don't let it get to you!