Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[ediemarie]

Hi Bear!

Sg sent me your way. I just read through this thread and WOW! I can sooo relate to all you are going through. When I discovered bomb 1, my H behaved the same exact way your H is. He left to go to his family last minute, was indecisive about what he wanted, would sometimes say he missed me other times talking to him was like pulling teeth. I can *feel* your frustration in your posts...and it's like a flashback for me.

Sweetie, this is the most difficult thing you will EVER do, EVER. I, like you, do not have a ton of girlfriends (1 really good one who is 3 hours away and I haven't seen her in 5 years - we email daily though) and I always had a difficult time keeping girlfriends - I'm much better with guy friends...(wow, rambling sorry, I guess I'm just trying to say I can relate.)

My sitch is summed up like this: H had an affair with a co-worker, ended it, started it, ended it from 12/05 - 8/07. He still has not 100% recommited to our R, but he is working towards cleaning up the mess. This is huge. The only way it worked was by me letting him go. I stopped acting like his wife and started acting like his roommate. And that made ALL the difference.

Some things that I did to take control back of my life:
-stopped reading every marriage self help book ever published - I actually put them all in the closet and haven't picked them up in over a month
- took off my rings
- told H that he is responsible for his life and making it what he wants it to be. I will no longer offer advice about it or my opinion unless asked - and then was vague in response. I mostly listen and don't offer any advice
- told H I would no longer ask him to call me, have dinner with me, go out with me, spend time with my family, vacation with me, etc
- made decisions without consulting him

I did all of this after a conversation with my IC. I'm a rather assertive person, but wasn't exhibiting assertive behavior in my M. I was putting up with less than desirable interactions. It's not ok to have your H do these things. It's not. But it's not your place to point it out or have someone else from the family point it out. Let him hit bottom. If he wants freedom you give it to him until he says no, and then you give it more. He needs to feel like he is calling the shots and making the decisions he wants to make without you telling him what to do or inferring what to do.

(((BEAR))) hang in there. This is tough stuff. I've been there. You are sitting on a volcano of power in your R - you just need to figure out how to use it. Giving your H enough room to make his own decisions is the first step to exhibiting your power. You can control your own life and decisions

Em