I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[ediemarie]

Hi Peter (sorry, I can't call you LH)
I, like many others, have been following your situation. I find it intriguing because my H has also had an affair. I discovered it and confronted him and he's working at cleaning up the mess.

I know this isn't easy work for you. I don't know if I can help entirely, but a few things in your post caught my eye:

I have tried to appear independent and pour all my attention into the kids. A couple of times I have tried to be self depricating and it has CLEARLY frustrated her because she feels I am emotional. That tells me she doesn't like the lack of confidence. How do I not appear to be so insecure?

I can imagine that it is important for you to show your W how very sorry you are for what has happened. My H has also felt the need to show this to me. What is more important to me then his self-deprication is the steps he is taking to right his wrongs. He has taken the attitude, and rightly so, that words from him are empty and meaningless, but his actions are really what he needs to use to communicate. It's not ok for him to tell me how awful he feels - he created the mess - he should have thought about that before he acted foolishly. Now, he has work to do. Now, you have work to do. Don't be self-depricating, be proactive in cleaning up what you can. I don't know exactly what that is for you but a good place to start is to be independent. Right now you may be faking it 'til you make it, and that's ok - but focus on being independent. At some point you have to put this behind you. By being self-depricating you are hanging on to what you have done in your old relationship. You have a brand new R - maybe not the R you want right now - but it's brand new. What sort of role do you want to play in that R? Do you want to be the man that is constantly expressing remorse? That's not the most attractive position to be in. Your posting name says it all - don't hang onto that man. If you are going to rise above this you have to get over what you've done. It's not easy, but it's not something your W should have to deal with either. This is your mess. Don't wallow in it - when you say you're sorry or you feel bad your W may feel the need to comfort you, or accept your apology, or cheer you up - that's not fair to her. All of that is pressure and all of that sounds like something she isn't ready to do yet. Deal with your own emotions on your own time. Your W should see nothing but a capable H that will never ever think of doing something like this ever again.

I am emotional and it is what makes me different, according to her(previously) and my therapist and my family. I am not a sap but I am very romantic and attentive. I need to address this issue with my self.

Are you comfortable with who you are? It's ok to be emotional. There isn't anything wrong with that. Perhaps other people need to accept you for who you are. However, if YOU really aren't comfortable with this then you should seek help. Romantic and attentive are very good qualities - I'm sure your W fell in love with you for those very reasons. Don't let that go, but find ways to incorporate that into your NEW relationship. This time around it will be different. You get to decide who you are going to be.

I hope this helped. I know this is tough. I don't always acknowledge it to my H, but I see what he is going through. I'm sure your W sees it too. Hang in there and focus on what you are going to do to make this right.