This peanut gallery person thinks ????????, well I don't really know. If I were in your shoes, minus the cast, I would let it drift apart.
That is unless you intend to see someone in the next week.
If/when bf drops the rope too, you have your answer.
Aw Lil, you can do 8:AM. Feed the cats the night before, cut back on doing morning chores.
I don't know how many calories are in fast food breakfasts or how they fit into your diet. I think the MWF classes would be a good thing at this point in your life.
I vote for a frank discussion. No expectations on his reaction, either, if can manage that. He may be relieved, he may be crushed, but you need to let him know that you have made a decision. Drifting is a wussy way out.
Question for the peanut gallery: should I have a "talk" with him and tell him that I want to consider us friends and recognize the fact that we are not lovers and thus not boyfriend/girlfriend? Or should I just follow his lead of being less available to me and keep it light when we talk on the phone, so that we sort of drift apart?
I think you should look at it from the other end of the periscope. Let's say you met the man of your dreams in Starbucks tomorrow. How do you think that guy would view your current relationship status with BF? Are you really available?
Anyways, why don't you just break up with him and then come to Michigan and be my duenna? Then you will be bound to meet the man of your dreams because that's how it always happens in the romance novels- through misdirection.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
HD I vote for a frank discussion. I think Lil has said what she would prefer the R to be/look like and bf hasn't done all the steps. IE they don’t mesh.
He is her neighbor and telling/asking him to do "A" "B" "C" won't get Lil anywhere because bf is the type that usually doesn't respond to direct requests or demands.
I wasn't saying Lil should fade out the R to see what bf will do as in maybe he will see the R dimming and step up to the plate.
I can see bf as a possible type of guy that just wants to be part time friends like book club members would be friends.
If bf is the type that gets revenge or pi$$y, having too big of a discussion could lead him become a poor neighbor.
Remember, bf said Lil is too pushy and demanding.
It is up to Lil, does she want a friendly neighbor, or a resentful neighbor? I am not saying there won't be other good, middle of the road outcomes.
Many neighbor's houses are only 30ft apart. I think Lil and bf's house are several hundred ft. apart. From what I know of the physical location of the two adjacent properties, if he or she became resentful neighbors, there is enough distance between the houses it shouldn't cause a large problem.
Somehow I think Lil can work in some of the issues brought up in C and tell bf why she is backing off. She can say she liked the way bf improved his life and R with her and she still wants "X" "Y" "Z" which isn't something she thinks bf wants or can do.
Lil doesn't have to blame or label bf as coming up short in "X" "Y" "Z" areas if she puts those things in a group of what is different about each one of them.
Like me, I am a nice guy but not a big spender when it comes to cruises or interior decorating. The nicest woman in the world would be very unhappy with me if her main joy in life was going on cruises and redecorating every year.
HD, maybe drifting is a wussy way out. I was thinking about not making any enemies, preserving a few potential future benefits bf might be as a neighbor.
If I was Lil and had to tell bf anything, the first thing I would say is something like the following.
"We have been seeing each other for 5? years and this is the extent of our R. I was hoping for something different.
We tried 3/5 C's and this is the progress we made. Here is where I wanted to be in 5 years. (fill in the blanks (FIB)). We aren't there and I don't see us ever getting there. I can imagine some of my goals will make you unhappy and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be unhappy either.
You have your mother, AA, the bar, and (FIB things he does well or has improved) to take care of and I am happy to see you doing so well in those areas.
I don't see us making much progress and don't want to continue like we have been. There are too many unanswered questions so I want to remain friendly neighbors but want to do some things on my own.
Maybe that is still too wussie for some people??????
I don't really want bf to "step up to the plate." I'm ready to move to being friends. I'm not worried about him being a bad neighbor. I want to continue pretty much as we are-- sharing the dogs, watching movies, going out to dinner occasionally-- without the charade that we are lovers and that this is leading anywhere. I want to have no more romantic expectations. I have no more romantic expectations.
I don't want to sever all contact with him-- my quality of life would NOT improve if I did that. One step at a time and this distancing is the beginning. I feel so much better already, ceasing my futile expectations of the last five years!
I'm here at my house. BF calls and says he's on his way out here with Mom to pick some sweet potatoes from the garden. They arrive. He sticks his head in the door and says they're here. They go out to dig sweet potatoes. I don't go because 1) I'm not interested and 2) navigating on the dirt is hard in the wheelchair. So I'm at the computer doing bills and stuff. Then after about 15 minutes, she sticks her head in the door.... "May we come in??" I say, "Of course." I wheel into the dining room, they show me THREE sweet potatoes they have picked. (I gather there are dozens and dozens in the garden.) They start moving toward the door. I come back here to the computer. Bf comes in and kisses me. I say, "Y'all are leaving, just like that?" He says, "Well, it's going to be dark in a little while and I have to get her back home." I say, "Okay." They drive away. Total visit time approximately half an hour. This is a guy who NEVER has time even to have dinner with me, who cannot commit even to going to shul anymore because he doesn't know what he'll be doing... bear in mind the distance from his mom's apt to my house and back is a round trip of about NINETY MILES. Let's face it, he's with the woman of his dreams, who adores him and dotes on him, who doesn't want or expect sex, who giggles and fusses over every little thing. Why on earth does he need me in his life? And why on earth do I need him for a boyfriend??
