Hello out there. I need encouragement/suggestions. My H had an affair 4 years ago. He ended it and we went to counseling. I can honestly say that the 2 years after the affair were very good and I grew to like my H more than ever. However, the next 2 years have not been so good. Lately I'm having 'flashbacks' i.e., I'll be driving down the road and horrible images from that time come back to me. I've also been experiencing awful dreams that center on him humiliating me or hurting me in some way. Furthermore, I have very little sexual or emotional desire for him. I feel as if I'm going backwards. Is this normal? Have others experienced this and should I be doing something?.....Help!
Without going into details, let me say that I understand your situation all too well.
I think that part of what you are feeling stems from the loss of trust that occurs after an affair. How much do you trust H at this point in time? Has he given you reason to trust him again?
The bond of trust is, along with honesty, at the top of the list of marriage obligations for most couples. Having that trust bond broken can be a major psychological barrier to overcome.
Doing things like checking the monthly phone and cellphone bills to see if H has been in contact with OW after you've reconciled, or calling him at his friends house to see if that's really where he said he was spending the afternoon are some of the things people do in an effort to confirm that they can once again trust their spouse. It's very normal behavior for the recovering spouse and can last many months or even years. In short and rightly so, your spouse has to earn his respect and trust back from you. Is he doing that? Have you ever told him how he can do that?
The dreams and flashbacks you are having are also normal, but since it has been four years, I have to ask you this question: What has, and to this day, what is your H doing to help you cope with your feelings about the affair?
Do you still have unanswered questions for him regarding details of the affair? Have your really forgiven him for what he did? Have you remembered your role in the initial breakdown of your marriage?
This might be something you should discuss with your H. Communication is the only way. If you need for him to give you affirmation that everything is OK and that he is in love with you, then tell him that.
Angeli, us guys are not what you call real 'sensitive' or 'relationship perceptive'. We often need to be told exactly what, why, and how to do something. Like, for instance, how to show you on a daily basis that he loves you and will never cheat on you again. Talk to him about your feelings. Don't nag him or bust his balls, but explain your feelings to him. If he is truly back on track, then he will understand where you are coming from and give you the support that you require from him to move on and leave the affair in the past. I had many 'mini' talks with my W after we got back together. These talks were beneficial for both of us as it cued us as to what expectations we had for one another and how we could meet those expectations. We still have talks like that every week to find out how the other is doing and what we can do to resolve any issues bewtween us. Communication!
RE your sexual desire: Does your H spend enough time talking to you and getting to know you again? People change, and if they don't keep up with their partners changes they will find themselves out of touch not only emotionally, but physically. Perhaps you are having trouble forgiving him? Does he ever bring up the affair or tell you how sorry he is that it happened? I don't expect that he would say it that way after all this time, but his actions should tell you where he stands. I don't think you are going backwards, but maybe your H is not going forwards. Think about it.
Greg, thank you for your reply--you had a great deal of insight
As far as trust you hit the nail on the head but it's more of a different level of trust that's the problem. I trust him more to not have another affair; I trust him less when it comes to other things. Bottom line though it's still an issue of trust. I think things went bad at New Year's. We went out with a group of friends, he had too much to drink and then thought it would be funny to lift my dress up in front of eveyone while on the dance floor. Since then I've kind of gone dead inside. We've talked about this a few times and I think he's finally understanding my deep level of hurt.
And then there are the little things that chip away at the trust. I don't trust his driving--too fast, doesn't pay attention, etc. then he forgot to pay our health insurance, then there was the time he left our children home alone for a half hour (ages 3 and 7). It goes on. We've talked about these things and I've been firm in setting boundaries and what I need yet here we are. You're right I need to keep communicating and I think that will be my next step with him. thanks, greg!
Hi.....welcome to the message board....you'll find alot of insight and encouragement here. I think that since you trust your husband affair-wise....it is more of a lack of responsiblity on his part and immaturity too. It does make it difficult, my ex husband was very immature and irresponsible but he also had continuing flings/affairs..... neither were easy to live with.... I think you have alot going for you since you DO trust he won't cheat..... Have a heart to heart talk with him about the rest of your concerns, but not in a nagging way......It doesn't sound hopeless to me...
Angeli, I feel for you. I really do. It's only been months for me, and to be honest, it kind of scares me to hear the things you are saying. I don't like to think that I'll have flashbacks in 4 years. And the trust thing. Boy that's a tricky thing, isn't it? You want to trust, you need to trust, but from what I'm hearing you say, I can see your concern. So far, there hasn't been much to test my new found trust in my wife in this short period of time since I found out. I'm trying to rebuild that trust in her. I told her I forgive her, and I really have, but, as you know, that doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel better about her, but there are times my heart just aches, and I'm sure you can understand that. Communication is a big issue between us, and I think we communicate a lot, we just sometimes missunderstand what the other person has said. Does that make sense? I know my wife OFTEN missinterprets the things I've said and my actions. And I often find it difficult to explain to her how I'm feeling. But, we keep trying. I hope you find a way to get over this, and when you do, please tell me I want to know too. All the best.
Angeli, I know exactly what your feeling it's only been 8 months since my husband has ended his 4 month affair. I still think of it everyday I don't cry or anything anymore but I just have this emptyness inside of me that won't go away. i know he loves me and is truely sorry for what he has done, but it don't make it any easier for me. I guess in time it will all fade and we will beable to be the husband and wife I always wanted.I really do love my husband with all my heart but when someone does something like that it takes a piece out of the puzzle that you spend years trying to find again. Were here for you and I know you are here for us. We are all in the same boat and we are not about to let it SINK. Take care and god bless
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