I agree that the comments are probably not the most positive. However, its very frustrating to be lied to and then have all these excuses about our relationship come up that seem pretty minor and fixable to me. The excuses keep changing, this thing is a moving target. And I believe so because she's trying to justify the Joker, but wont admit it.
Its very, very hard to act like I'm alright, because I'm not. Here is this person that I believed was my best friend and most trusted partner. I cannot believe the way she is treating me now. It's getting worse and she's becoming more detached from me every day. I am running out of hope.
I am o.k. with her having other close friends. Not so sure I'm o.k. with her having very close male friends. I just dont see how that works. There is some lying here because if she was just very good friends with this guy, myself and the opposite spouse would likely know each other. Thus, we'd probably get an xmas card.
I know the deal...I have to stop worrying about all this and get my own life. I realize that. Its very easy to say, more difficult to break off and just do it. I have been trying very hard. But yes, I am very jealous and want my W back more than anything. Its killing me to be rejected and treated this way by her. We have much more invested in ourselves and I dont think I deserve this.
W and I got into a discussion after her bf and boyfriend left. this person recently kicked our her husband and divorced him. She has been leading W along the way during this whole deal. thus, I cant stand her. but i was really nice to her and bf last night. I guess a 180 from what they were expecting.
W revealed in discussion that she is serving me D papers next week and will fight for the house and kids. Also admitted after much discussion that she does like this guy at work but nothing has happened between them and she doesnt know how he feels about her. He is married w/ kids and she knows it cant go anywhere. I would love to contact him to end it or I will let his wife know. Guerrilla warfare.
She also said its totally over between us. She doesnt want to be with me anymore and I am just not the person for her. She stated this over and over. She had been drinking a lot.
This is weird..we ended up cuddlying in bed and screwing around a bit. I dont get it. I dont think she was too interested, but I kept rubbing her back for quite awhile, and I believe she enjoyed it.
This morning we opened presents. She was very nice to me. I gave her a very nice necklace. I didnt anticipate she would keep it. Read the note in the box and looked me in the eye and said thank you. She has been wearing it all day. Strange to me. She did give me a hug later and thanked me for all the presents. I honestly think I nailed each one. A couple were from the kids, but I think I did a good job.
So..I'm sort of in a confused state. It seems her feelings are so strongly against me, that we are headed to D. I wish this wasnt the case. But it also seems like events of today and last night that she has some doubts. I wish they were big doubts.
w was very nice yesterday and this morning. took my son skiing today and am taking both kids out of town by ourselves until monday.
it was nice that her parents called me yesterday.
w tonight getting cold with me. attitude has changed a bit. gone from nice and warm to not looking me in the eye. that's a negative. wonder if she had contact w om today or has plans when we are gone.
positives are she is still wearing her necklace I gave her yesterday. and, today she cleaned up the house including some xmas stuff. she moved a very nice family picture of us near the front door and visible to anyone that enters. it wasn't really viewable before. I am still very bothered on her admittance in interest of OM and that I am definitely not the right person for her no matter how OM turns out. OM is married with a family, so I doubt the odds are good there. I am hoping that her saying I'm not the right person for her is directly related to OM interest. doing my best to let it roll off ducks back.
If I am learning anything comments are usually related to confusion. My W told me that if she was divorced OM and her might have a shot. That hurt a lot, but W also says she is uncomfortable kissing OM. So something is still going on and she is still confused about things.
M: 30 W: 29 D: 4 S: 2 M: 7 years Dropped bomb: 11/26/07 My sitch
I am off with my kids for a few days. w dropped us off at airpot. hugged all the kids whilei stood to the side. she approached me with a hug and actually hugged me. miracle. I leaned in for a kiss and she turned, then kissed me back. not taking much into that as I think she may have felt guilty bcause kids were there. seems like dumb logic if shes serving me d papers next week.
she did text my son saying she missed him and his sister, but I?m invisible.
my question and concern still lies in om. she has said she wants to be with him and if she can't, she still won't be with me. I'm the wrong person for her. is this classic waw in mlc talk?
w just scorched her brother a year ago for having an affair and ruining his marriage and family. yet, here she is....and apparently comfortable ruining two families. this selfishness is amazing to me. om is married and has kids. how lomg does this scenario last between the two? seems like a lot of obstacles for it to succeed. I would love to enhance its demise.
I guess I believe she will think anything to strengthen her belief in om. is it possible or even likely she will see what she had if om ends this?
T, I am still with you. I check on you most days. I haven't posted much to you because I think I sound like a broken record but here we go.
It ain't over until you say it's over. She plans to serve you but hasn't served you. She could blow that off. Even after you have been served, she can kill the process. Even after you are served, separated, divorced or whatever, it can still come back together.
The OM can complicate things but that is the least of your worries. She might be grasping at the OM because she wants to convince herself that he is right for her and you are wrong. Or more likely he doesn't bust her chops and confront her at every turn, he doesn't challenge her mindset and thoughts.
The OM is a symptom. What are you doing to make you attractive to her and you. Same old party line but one you still need to get with if you want to have a chance. Clearly she still has come feelings for you. Yeah, she is gonna treat you like [censored] for a long time to come. NO, you don't deserve it, no it doesn't make sense. You just gotta deal with it or deal with getting divorced.
Consider what was working for a while and get back to that. Challenging her, questioning her about the OM, throwing digs at her about her behavior is all stuff that doesn't work. Stop it. Take the kids out be good with them. Come home be as pleasant as possible.
The very first thing you gotta do is STOP all talk of your relationship and the situation. Try to be positive. Your wife told you and BritInOH, not I'm telling you. Why come home if what you are coming home to is not positive? Every time it comes up you are reminding her that things suck right now. You almost gotta look at it like you are hoping she will forget things suck. Just get a few days of peace, with no confrontations or hassles on your part. You can't even begin to think about moving forward until you do that.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
remember when the germans bombed pearl harbor??? all I can see in my head was when Belushi yells..."its not over until we say its over"...I guess thats my mantra.
thanks for the advice DNO...its never a broken record. sometimes the repetitiveness is a good way to learn.
Just read this on another thread... "if the OP has made it clear that they want to leave in no uncertain terms, you MUST do LRT/go dark."
I feel she has made it clear in no uncertain terms....but for me, it seems the more I am nice to her and the more we interact, the nicer we are to each other, and the more I feel from her. But, we arent really advancing. So...if I go totally dark, which I will if served, what can I expect? I expect her to be distant and grouchy...
if the OP has made it clear that they want to leave in no uncertain terms, you MUST do LRT/go dark.
Well, yes and no. This stuff isn't one size fits all.
Quote:
but for me, it seems the more I am nice to her and the more we interact, the nicer we are to each other, and the more I feel from her
It seems you've identified what works. Earlier on you were having success with this so maybe this is the course you should take. Of course it feels like you are not advancing. I told you that first you have to diffuse the pressure, than you will live in limbo and things will seem to go nowhere. It will seem that way to you but what would be happening is she is slowly peaking from behind the wall(s)...my wife said she had 21 of them :-(. Than when she feels it is safe she will SLOWLY start moving toward you again.
I never got served, so now you are getting in to uncharted territory for me. Still, it seems you have room to work but you have to...have to, have to, have to, have to, have to stop challenging and confronting. For a while you were pulling it together and it was working but for weeks you seem to have been driving your wife away with your behavior and making it about you. It will be months before you can think about you.
Hang in there. Ask Rob to check in again. I think Sandi2 would be good for you also if she is still around.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I am new here and just read most of your story. I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. I myself am trying to figure out LRT/technique going dark. I think that quote might actually be from one of my posts--me quoting DR.
I noticed something about what you've been saying.
Maybe it would help to differentiate between
being nice--> interact more --> more nice --> more interaction
and
interacting --> tostada confronts/participates in OR talks --> W runs away/spews nastyness
Can you do MORE interaction, less confrontation/OR talks??
Can you use a dimmer switch to turn down any T bringing up R stuff or even responding to W bringing up R stuff?
When she brings up ANY of this stuff, can you just not react, or gently change the subject? (Even if every fibre of your being is screaming inside, "W, you are not being fair, why are you hurting me???")
Because it seems like the non-"R Status" interaction is working for you!! A lot!! But the R talks are NOT.
It sounds like she wants to get away from the pressure, whether or not she wants in the end to get away from you. Remove the pressure so she can be around you.
I think at this phase we have to create more options for our partners than yes/no, move in/move out. We have to take the pressure off them as much as we can. Because if there is pressure, they will run away, not even necessarily b/c they don't love us, but because they can't deal with the pressure!
Just remember, so many of us would do ANYTHING to be in your position. There are many things about your position that are negative, this is true. But oh my goodness! Your W still lives in your house! Use every friggin second of interaction to show her that you are strong, handsome, calm, amazing Tostada! Even if inside you are more needy and desperate feeling than you ever imagined was possible. No pressure on W!
