I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[Lousy Husband]

Thank you for being patient for me to respond. I am scared to answer you for fear I will get ridiculed by everyone here for talking about myself.....but, here goes.

What held me back for so long and why do I think you should trust your husband? If your husband is truly repentant, as I feel I am, what he feels right now is hurt and shame. I feel so alone, living out of a suitcase with nothing to show for my life. What I want is for my wife to believe in me! That is what I want. Why should she??? Well, I can guarantee that that would be a 180 that would make me run to her!!!!! Why is this stress and cat and mouse so much better?? But, she has and deserves the right to be guarded!!!

How can you make your husband prove to you he is being faithful? Ask to accompany him on things that you normally wouldn't for example. As for what held me back from coming home for so long was that I felt my W was holding something back. I played a game and said I won't come home until she stopped holding back. I didn't expect her to sleep with me, but I did expect if she was fighting that she would fight with me and not behind the scenes. Well, I have done a 180 and realized that my thinking was flawwed. I was thinking about how I would fight and how I thought she should be fighting and not listening to her and what she wanted and needed from me. What I want now is for my wife to just talk to me. Lord knows I understand the anger she feels. Not because she cheated on me, but because of what made me vulnerable in the first place. YES, I KNOW I MADE THE DECISION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. But I know the anger. The DB book says that forgiveness is a decision one makes. What I want desperately, so badly I cry myself to sleep every nigth wishing I could have it with my wife, is the ability to talk to her. We never shared the intellectual intimacy before and because I can't talk to her now, it is as if we are keeping secrets from each other. It seems silly and stupid but it is what I feel.

What is your husband feeling.....he wants to know what you are thinking, and not just the negative thoughts. Yes, you may be contemplating divorce...and I imagine if you talked that is what you would tell him. But you wont tell him is that you desperately want to trust him, and that you ache for him, and you are scared. What he wants to hear is the second part. Why????? Because if you told him the anger part, he wont dare think the potential part you feel. But if you tell him the potential, he will KNOW you are also thinking about divorce. So in telling him the negative you further reinforce for him how despicable he is and he is likely to trust less that you want to be together. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Let me ask you, what would he say or do if you showed him you believe in him??? Would it be bad to have positive reinforcement for him??

So, let me try and sum it up like this. What would drive me back to my wife every day, not away, but back is the idea that she and I talked about what we were thinking. I want to profess my love for here and be the best husband in the world and best daddy for my kids. Right now every day is a riddle and I am forced to guess. Some days I feel like I am being punished and if I used her logic that failure to disclose everything is lying, then some would say she is lying to. But I would submit that if you really want to trust each other you have to know each other and that requires communicating. That is a terrible thought process. But, right now I feel alone and scared and I dont know what my W is thinking. If you truly love your husband and are scared, talk to him and say so. If he loves you there is a HUGE chance he will open up and show his humility and excitement for you coming to him. All I want is for my wife to come to me!

I am not sure I can answer how can you really trust him? Tell him every time you are scared! Give him the chance to respond and reassure you! I can guarantee if you are insecure and don't tell him he is not going to guess it. If he doesn't guess you punish him or withdraw from him and he is left to wonder why you are angry and withdrawn from him. Deal with it out in the open! Tell him you WANT to believe in him, not that you dont! In telling him you want to believe him you put the ball squarely back in his court to prove to you where he was and what he was doing.

Does this make any sense?

Hi Lousy,

Thank you for replying to me. What you are saying is the same thing my H has been saying. And some of the way you describe your marriage sounds like ours. We have hurt each other, we made each other feel insecure by our actions and inactions, we stopped telling each other what we needed, we stopped showing each other how much we loved each other. Part of it had to do with our daughter becoming my sole focus, and part of it had to do with his traveling for work too often. We drifted so far apart that he felt I didn't love him anymore. I didn't know he was feeling this way, but I did know that our marriage was not great. He said that the OW made him feel good and gave him what he needed.

But I have a lot of trouble believing that it's now over and that he is totally committed to us now, even though he keeps telling me. You see, he told me on several previous occasions that his affair was over, but he simply continued seeing the OW. He lied to me so many times about so many things for so long, and each time he told me it was over, it took me a long time to open myself up to him. Eventually, though, the lies started to show through and I became suspicious each time, eventually finding out that the affair was still ongoing.

I understand that your affair lasted a long time, part of that time your wife was aware of it. Now your affair is completely over and you are honestly trying to show your wife your sincerity, love, dedication, honesty and faithfulness. I want to believe that my H is at that place too. How can I tell for sure? How do I know that he is not seeing the OW anymore, that he is not trying to have his cake and eat it? Recently little things and one bigger event has made me suspicious and upset and I am afraid that he is back with her again, or maybe the past couple of months of him trying to convince me have been a ruse. I wish I could know.

Sometimes I feel so crazy with the thought of him still being unfaithful - I feel sick, I can't concentrate on anything, I can't eat, I can't sleep. The only thing that helps is to not talk to him, not tell him how I feel, pull back into myself and put up a wall around me to protect myself from being hurt. I know this is not how to save my marriage, but the alternative is to be so obsessed with the affair that I can't function. I don't want to end up putting up a wall so thick and high that eventually I stop wanting to make my marriage work. I wonder if that's what your wife has done - create a wall that insulates her and that is why she won't talk to you and let you know what she is thinking or doing. These secrets that we keep from our unfaithful H's give us strength, make us feel protected, less vulnerable. When we open ourselves up, we don't feel safe anymore, and if we can't depend on our H's to protect us because they were the ones who hurt us, we focus on protecting ourselves, controlling our world in order to survive.

I feel in my heart, right now anyway, that I will continue to fight for him, or wait for this thing to be over so that we can finally do the work we need to do. But I can't commit to working on our marriage if I think he is still being unfaithful. And I don't know how many times I can do this, I don't know how many times I can be beat down, before he completely destroys whatever love I have left for him and I give up on our marriage.

I want to ask you, what could I do to make sure that he gives her up for good (that is, if he is still seeing her, and I don't know for sure either way)? What did you need from your wife that would have made you give up your lover? What could she have said or done? Or was it simply a matter of you coming to your own realization of what was truly important and nothing your wife could have done would have expedited the process? And when it was really over, how could she know for sure that it was over? What did you do to show her?

I feel that you may be the only person who can answer these questions for me because you are on the other side, and I suspect that you have been for a long time. Please help me understand.

[fooled again]

LH,

It has taken me awhile to reply to you, mainly because I'm trying to figure out how closely your sitch relates to mine - and I think that there really are quite a few similarities. I can understand why you want to just be able to talk to your W so that you can at least begin to communicate to her how you are changing in your thoughts, feelings and your understanding of what you did and how it affected and continues to affect her.

Your W is probably talking to her friends and family and she is most likely getting the same kind of advice I was getting. My friends told me that my H is a liar and a cheater, he is despicable, he will never change, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I am better off without him. I'm not saying this is true or that it's right that friends say these things; I'm just saying that's probably what's going on with your W. So f she feels anything in her heart for you, or if she has any hope that the two of you can get past this, there is probably a battle going in her mind between that and the advice she is getting.

It has been very, very difficult for me to decide to give my H another chance to prove to me that he has changed. I have even had to step away from a few very close friends because I could not deal with what they were saying and continue to work on my marriage and they cannot accept what I'm doing - they think I'm crazy or stupid or pathetic. I don't know if these friendships are even salvageable, but in the end I have chosen my marriage - trust me, it wasn't easy and it was a very painful choice to have to make. And there are W out there who are unable or unwilling to make that choice. So it's not just your W you are up against, it is also her support group.

I can appreciate what you said about talking to my H about how I feel and give him the opportunity to reassure me. I can see that you are right in that my H is feeling hurt and shame, feeling alone and that he has nothing to show for his life. He has said some of these things to me. And he tells me that I shouldn't be with him, that I deserve better. But sometimes when he says this to me, it just makes me wonder if he is saying these things b/c he is feeling guilty b/c the A is still going on. I know I don't want to keep hearing that I deserve better, that he is no good for me. What I want is for him to show and tell me why I should be giving him this chance. You can't sell anything by telling the buyer it's no good - you sell it by showing all the good things about it.

I guess that's what DBing is about for you, showing your W what she stands to gain from giving you another chance, so every time you see her, talk to her, have any contact w/ her, you need to show her the kind of man you want to be, are trying to be. Sell yourself, in a sensitive way. Maybe your W is not talking now, but maybe if you keep doing what you are doing she will. My H did the totally wrong thing when I told him I was done. He called a million times, left me notes, sent me messages, emails and so on. But the thing was, all along I had wanted to save my marriage and though I thought I was done, I guess I wasn't. But now, he has pulled back a bit and he doesn't do all those things so much as he did before - both good a bad. It was way too much drama for me, but in pulling back, I'm left to wonder what's going on. I'm looking for consistency in his behavior. That's probably what your W needs to see too. I want my H to keep showing me, every day, what he is doing to make me feel safe enough to start to trust again. Talking is really, really hard for both of us. He needs to DO. In your sitch, that may be the answer for you. Stop trying to talk to your W and just DO. After she sees you DOING for awhile, she may be ready to open up enough to talk.

Last night I did tell him that I want to believe in him. We had a setback, but I said that I know that I can do this, get past this, but I am not so naive as to think it will be easy, that there will be no backslides, that it will happen over night or in a few weeks. But I said that I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do or is unable to do. I said that if he can't or won't do this now, then maybe we need to give each other more time and maybe later we can try again.

Today he came to me and told me how he was feeling and why he was pulling back and we had a backslide. I guess putting the ball in his court was the right thing to do.

I think you probably have a long way to go to be able to get close enough to your W so she can see how you are changing your life. But there is so much that makes sense in DR and things that are finally starting to work a little, that I have more and more faith in what it says. But the one thing that is the most true of anything is that it will take WAY, WAY longer than you think it will. Give yourself and your wife time - after all w/ kids you will always have a connection & that may be your in.

I hope you are not afraid to talk about yourself. You and other H's that have had A's and are trying to save your M's have so much to offer those of us searching for answers. I know my priority is figuring out how to save my M, not to judge. We are all in the same boat, though we may have gotten here different ways.

Take care & good luck. Have patience & don't give up hope.

[Lousy Husband]

LH,

It has taken me awhile to reply to you, mainly because I'm trying to figure out how closely your sitch relates to mine - and I think that there really are quite a few similarities. I can understand why you want to just be able to talk to your W so that you can at least begin to communicate to her how you are changing in your thoughts, feelings and your understanding of what you did and how it affected and continues to affect her.

Your W is probably talking to her friends and family and she is most likely getting the same kind of advice I was getting. My friends told me that my H is a liar and a cheater, he is despicable, he will never change, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I am better off without him. I'm not saying this is true or that it's right that friends say these things; I'm just saying that's probably what's going on with your W. So f she feels anything in her heart for you, or if she has any hope that the two of you can get past this, there is probably a battle going in her mind between that and the advice she is getting.

It has been very, very difficult for me to decide to give my H another chance to prove to me that he has changed. I have even had to step away from a few very close friends because I could not deal with what they were saying and continue to work on my marriage and they cannot accept what I'm doing - they think I'm crazy or stupid or pathetic. I don't know if these friendships are even salvageable, but in the end I have chosen my marriage - trust me, it wasn't easy and it was a very painful choice to have to make. And there are W out there who are unable or unwilling to make that choice. So it's not just your W you are up against, it is also her support group.

I can appreciate what you said about talking to my H about how I feel and give him the opportunity to reassure me. I can see that you are right in that my H is feeling hurt and shame, feeling alone and that he has nothing to show for his life. He has said some of these things to me. And he tells me that I shouldn't be with him, that I deserve better. But sometimes when he says this to me, it just makes me wonder if he is saying these things b/c he is feeling guilty b/c the A is still going on. I know I don't want to keep hearing that I deserve better, that he is no good for me. What I want is for him to show and tell me why I should be giving him this chance. You can't sell anything by telling the buyer it's no good - you sell it by showing all the good things about it.

I guess that's what DBing is about for you, showing your W what she stands to gain from giving you another chance, so every time you see her, talk to her, have any contact w/ her, you need to show her the kind of man you want to be, are trying to be. Sell yourself, in a sensitive way. Maybe your W is not talking now, but maybe if you keep doing what you are doing she will. My H did the totally wrong thing when I told him I was done. He called a million times, left me notes, sent me messages, emails and so on. But the thing was, all along I had wanted to save my marriage and though I thought I was done, I guess I wasn't. But now, he has pulled back a bit and he doesn't do all those things so much as he did before - both good a bad. It was way too much drama for me, but in pulling back, I'm left to wonder what's going on. I'm looking for consistency in his behavior. That's probably what your W needs to see too. I want my H to keep showing me, every day, what he is doing to make me feel safe enough to start to trust again. Talking is really, really hard for both of us. He needs to DO. In your sitch, that may be the answer for you. Stop trying to talk to your W and just DO. After she sees you DOING for awhile, she may be ready to open up enough to talk.

Last night I did tell him that I want to believe in him. We had a setback, but I said that I know that I can do this, get past this, but I am not so naive as to think it will be easy, that there will be no backslides, that it will happen over night or in a few weeks. But I said that I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do or is unable to do. I said that if he can't or won't do this now, then maybe we need to give each other more time and maybe later we can try again.

Today he came to me and told me how he was feeling and why he was pulling back and we had a backslide. I guess putting the ball in his court was the right thing to do.

I think you probably have a long way to go to be able to get close enough to your W so she can see how you are changing your life. But there is so much that makes sense in DR and things that are finally starting to work a little, that I have more and more faith in what it says. But the one thing that is the most true of anything is that it will take WAY, WAY longer than you think it will. Give yourself and your wife time - after all w/ kids you will always have a connection & that may be your in.

I hope you are not afraid to talk about yourself. You and other H's that have had A's and are trying to save your M's have so much to offer those of us searching for answers. I know my priority is figuring out how to save my M, not to judge. We are all in the same boat, though we may have gotten here different ways.

Take care & good luck. Have patience & don't give up hope.

Thanks for replying. I just read your note and I am replying rather spontaneously. Today was hard for me, but great nonetheless. I got no stocking and one gift. That being said the gifts that came from the children were thoughtful and very nice. My card was signed, "fondly" and it broke my heart. I want desperately to talk to her. We live apart, I relocated to Mass for work and she came with me and then left. I feel like things are just such a riddle. One thing is for sure, every situation is different. I am trying to build a friendship and it is hard from 1500 miles away. I relocated because she wanted to be out of this place that has had so many bad memories. She confronted me last week before I came home and told me I was lying to her. I hung up my phone and called her from the place I said I was, my counselor's office. For me, it showed me she is trying to fight and has not made up her mind. I am emotional and it is very hard for me to not appear "pathetic" as Michelle would say. I want to do what has worked in the past, but I never knew what worked and that was led me to feel abandoned and led to my decision to go outside my marriage. I regret that now with every once of my being. I shopped thoughtfully for my W and didn't get anything too much, gift cards and the like. I think she was mad I was gone 3.5 hours, but honestly, I needed to shop and it felt a bit unfair. Especially since I came home with 6 bags. That being said, I understand her insecurity. I spoke with her mom today and she said she was glad I did and we played a game after the kids went to bed. It was fun. I wanted to go to her and hug her, but it would have been too much. She clearly cannot handle the drama. I tend to over read things, and she is DEFINITELY someone who wants things to be simple. I just moved on past the issue and kept going. We haven't argued or anything. I did ask two nights ago to go bowling, as my DB counselor suggested I have some things to do for myself. W told me she thought I was lying to her and that I was going to see OW. I WAS NOT and I sat down and enjoyed the evening with her. I simply wanted 2 hours to myself to do something I enjoy. I do see her side and know that I have not given her the chance to do things she wants or needs to do during my affair, so I shouldn't expect her to do that for me. but, I hope that I showed in staying and not even dwelling for a second that it was not a big deal to me. I see so many positive signs and I just need to continue to pray and be strong and focus on those positive things. I am thankful she invited me home for Christmas and is letting me be with her for 7 days.

As for sharing, I am an open book to anyone here and my wife. I am completely comfortable in my transparency. I just pray it is not too late. That being said, sometimes I do feel, from those who have been cheated on, that it is good for me to be punished or suffer. The needy side of me that is prevalent now wants to ignore that as I am here for support, but it does show through sometimes. In truth, it helps me understand what my W is feeling.

In my card to her I simply thanked her for the gift of having our family together for the holidays. I also apologized for treating her poorly these last years and said I love her more now than I ever have. She thanked me.


Well, off to bed.

[Lousy Husband]

I need some input from my friends here. I am supposed to leave on Friday, as is my W to go see her family. I am returning to the East coast for work. I have had a great 6 days here with DW and my beautiful children. Here is my question: Mixed signals. Last week DW accused me of lying about where I was and I resolved the issue. I felt she was actually showing me she was/is fighting or at least her mind has not been made up. I have been trying to build a friendship, but I think I might be pressuring her. I have tried to appear independent and pour all my attention into the kids. A couple of times I have tried to be self depricating and it has CLEARLY frustrated her because she feels I am emotional. That tells me she doesn't like the lack of confidence. How do I not appear to be so insecure? I am emotional and it is what makes me different, according to her(previously) and my therapist and my family. I am not a sap but I am very romantic and attentive. I need to address this issue with my self. Being so far away how do I build a friendship? I try to not talk about me at all, other than just sharing with her, and I try and ask about everything she is doing! I am trying to do what works, but because I never know (even in the not bad times) what she is thinking, I have no idea what works/ed. I tend to hear when she is mad at me that something I did was working. I just feel lost and confused. I know what I want, I just don't know how to be.

Can anyone offer some thoughts or reassurance?

[enlightenbylife]

I know you live far from her but...

Be there for her but not on top of her...let her breathe.

Give her her space...but be concerned for her.

Give her broad shoulders and confidence, but not too cocky.

Give her reasurances but not overly big and dramatic.
Sometimes smaller is better.

Have patience, she has to walk her own journey in her own time.

Walk beside her, not over her,behind her or running around her.

She will see that you have the confidence to be there for her without being too clingy.

I have a question, and this has really ben puzzling me,my H has been going throug MLC for awhile, just your opinion, why doesn't he ever give me a compliment and yet I catch him looking and cHecking me out?

E

[Lousy Husband]

I know you live far from her but...

Be there for her but not on top of her...let her breathe.

Give her her space...but be concerned for her.

Give her broad shoulders and confidence, but not too cocky.

Give her reasurances but not overly big and dramatic.
Sometimes smaller is better.

Have patience, she has to walk her own journey in her own time.

Walk beside her, not over her,behind her or running around her.

She will see that you have the confidence to be there for her without being too clingy.

I have a question, and this has really ben puzzling me,my H has been going throug MLC for awhile, just your opinion, why doesn't he ever give me a compliment and yet I catch him looking and cHecking me out?

E

Thank you for responding. I will think on your suggestions. I need all the help I can get. I am confident in my professional life, but not cocky. My relationship with my father is partly the reason for my insecurity, I was the oldest and the only boy and it was his way or the highway. So, because I was always, ALWAYS told right or wrong I need constant feedback. I have learned to concur this in my pro life, and in every relationship I ever had before marriage my emotional side was my greatest asset. I proposed in central park on a knee, cried at my wedding and during the birth of our children. As I have matured and learned through this process I am sure I missed the signs from W, but the bottom line is we both know we need to work on commo. Now that the walls are up, I have no clue and feel like I am not leading my own life.

As for your H, that is a tough one. I used to, as recently as 2 months ago, oogle at W and make sassy comments about her, but I ALWAYS was very praising of her as a mom and W. What I failed to do was stop going down cheeseless tunnels. her love language is not words of affirmation, but quality time. But, for me I have this compulsion to think out loud and talk through things. I learned in reading the Covenant Marriage, a great Gary Chapman book, that I was starved for emotional and intellectual intimacy.

Do you feel your H objectifies you? He may feel a change in his sexual capability and in checking you out he may be looking for you to reciprocate and show you find him appealing? Another lesson for me, men really are from mars and women from venus. Men are not good at riddles and we tend to be simple minded. In action, not thought! What compliments are you looking for from him? I ask because I am sure you know what you would like for him to recognize and acknowledge with you. In learning from my own experience, I would tell you if you want me to know, hit me over the head outloud, not nastily, but just sit me down and say, "you know I love that you check me out, but I just want to know if you notice or think of me for anything else.....what will help me help you is if I knew you noticed the other things I do...." Again, only my opinion, but for me, if you could not make it a big deal (try to laugh at yourselves to destress the sit) and let him know that you appreciate his attraction to you, you just need more in this area.....Do you think he would respond?

I wish my W would ever look at me or compliment me.....but I don't expect that now.

[enlightenbylife]

I don't think he would ever admit that he was checking me out.

Before his affair and all this craziness started , he did give me compliments and let me know when i looked nice. Now since I have never been more confident(most of the time) lost over 50lbs and fit into nicer sexier clothing, he says nothing. Even when he hears other people giving me compliments????

I don't get it.

If I was to sit him down and ask him, I don't know if he would give me a straight answer.

Before you felt the guilt and the affair was over did you compliment your wife?

What is stopping him?

I would just like to hear " that looks good on you", You look good since you lost weight.

If I tell him I've lost some more weight he says "good" But I basically have to yank it out of him

Hmmm ????? What's the point?


E

[Lousy Husband]

I don't think he would ever admit that he was checking me out.

Before his affair and all this craziness started , he did give me compliments and let me know when i looked nice. Now since I have never been more confident(most of the time) lost over 50lbs and fit into nicer sexier clothing, he says nothing. Even when he hears other people giving me compliments????

I don't get it.

If I was to sit him down and ask him, I don't know if he would give me a straight answer.

Before you felt the guilt and the affair was over did you compliment your wife?

What is stopping him?

I would just like to hear " that looks good on you", You look good since you lost weight.

If I tell him I've lost some more weight he says "good" But I basically have to yank it out of him

Hmmm ????? What's the point?


E

Well, good for you. I always complimented my W. In fact, during the A, I wanted so desperately to come home, but for my own selfish reasons I was wrapped up in myself. When she found out about the A, she said that she had her ah-hah moment when I said all my requests to go to counseling were ignored. I justified my time away by taking care of myself. WRONG ANSWER. However, we never fought together and if we both believe in DBing, then we need to fight. Our children deserve better. I have bought so much jewelry and all the nice things she has ever wanted (iPOD, every scrapping item, Bon Jovi tickets 10 rows from stage, etc). But as I said, the gifts I passed on and the words I gave were not what she needed, wants.

I know EXACTLY what you feel. I would go get a haircut and come home and she would never say boo. I always complimented her, and continue to do so, on everything. We just cant seem to communicate. When she was fighting she would openly acknowledge this. I know I shut her down. Some times I loath myself and get frustrated because I have been saying in plane english what I need. I never expected her to sleep with me for awhile. We never connected physically much for different reasons. Turns out we both wanted the same thing but that english thing got in the way again. My point is that when I fight I fight and it is not passive agressive or by attrition. I want to talk and say this is what I am doing. That is what I mean about the Venus/Mars thing. I am NOT, nor are most men, a mind reader. I am not good at that. To expect us to be is a cheeseless tunnel. I can readily admit that I cant read your mind, why should I be expected to? It is a weakness that I need to figure out how to overcome to know what is/did work(ing).

Help! I love my wife and my family and I want to make it work.

Keep the faith and be strong!!!!!

[ediemarie]

Hi Peter (sorry, I can't call you LH)
I, like many others, have been following your situation. I find it intriguing because my H has also had an affair. I discovered it and confronted him and he's working at cleaning up the mess.

I know this isn't easy work for you. I don't know if I can help entirely, but a few things in your post caught my eye:

I have tried to appear independent and pour all my attention into the kids. A couple of times I have tried to be self depricating and it has CLEARLY frustrated her because she feels I am emotional. That tells me she doesn't like the lack of confidence. How do I not appear to be so insecure?

I can imagine that it is important for you to show your W how very sorry you are for what has happened. My H has also felt the need to show this to me. What is more important to me then his self-deprication is the steps he is taking to right his wrongs. He has taken the attitude, and rightly so, that words from him are empty and meaningless, but his actions are really what he needs to use to communicate. It's not ok for him to tell me how awful he feels - he created the mess - he should have thought about that before he acted foolishly. Now, he has work to do. Now, you have work to do. Don't be self-depricating, be proactive in cleaning up what you can. I don't know exactly what that is for you but a good place to start is to be independent. Right now you may be faking it 'til you make it, and that's ok - but focus on being independent. At some point you have to put this behind you. By being self-depricating you are hanging on to what you have done in your old relationship. You have a brand new R - maybe not the R you want right now - but it's brand new. What sort of role do you want to play in that R? Do you want to be the man that is constantly expressing remorse? That's not the most attractive position to be in. Your posting name says it all - don't hang onto that man. If you are going to rise above this you have to get over what you've done. It's not easy, but it's not something your W should have to deal with either. This is your mess. Don't wallow in it - when you say you're sorry or you feel bad your W may feel the need to comfort you, or accept your apology, or cheer you up - that's not fair to her. All of that is pressure and all of that sounds like something she isn't ready to do yet. Deal with your own emotions on your own time. Your W should see nothing but a capable H that will never ever think of doing something like this ever again.

I am emotional and it is what makes me different, according to her(previously) and my therapist and my family. I am not a sap but I am very romantic and attentive. I need to address this issue with my self.

Are you comfortable with who you are? It's ok to be emotional. There isn't anything wrong with that. Perhaps other people need to accept you for who you are. However, if YOU really aren't comfortable with this then you should seek help. Romantic and attentive are very good qualities - I'm sure your W fell in love with you for those very reasons. Don't let that go, but find ways to incorporate that into your NEW relationship. This time around it will be different. You get to decide who you are going to be.

I hope this helped. I know this is tough. I don't always acknowledge it to my H, but I see what he is going through. I'm sure your W sees it too. Hang in there and focus on what you are going to do to make this right.

[SirPrizeMe]

Peter, I'm glad you're deciding to do the right thing.
A couple comments and a question.

first, the Q: why stop? What made you see the light? You explained why your W cut the cord - the OW's ex called her and ratted you out. She got fed up. Ok, that's clear.

Why the change of heart in you? Why?
why did you not put a stop to it 3 months earlier? a year earlier? 2 years and 364 days earlier? Why now? Why this time, when your W already knew about the affair, why did this information make you want to quit?

Reason I ask: I want some of what you got, for my wife !

Couple comments:

• I hate what you've done. I'm glad people are here supporting you. But you've done something horrible. It hurts me to just read about it. I don't want to beat you up, but. . . you need to shut up about your fears and wants and needs. Shut up and start doing the right thing. every day. in every way.
• edie is right - it's not fair to W to comfort you at this time. You're going to have to be stronger.

You've got work to do.