Just getting started peicing it back together 2

[jersting]

She is back telling me she loves me and wants to make this work. Says we just need to make the decision and be together. I say that is a great idea but I want us to go to consoling before we get the kids involved. She is talking about selling her house that we bought back in June and she wants to move home if we decide we are going to stay together. The problem is right now she still does not care about how I feel. I want her back home but I don't want to be treated bad. She throws jokes at me that kinda hurt my feelings and she is laughing when she does it so I know she is joking but if I say something joking to her she lets me know that it was mean and it hurt her feelings. I guess I am not supposed to have any feelings and she has them all. Oh well just some more to deal with. One good things about my whole sitch, whenever I am patient things work out for the better for me. I am going to stay patient and live life. It's not so bad.

[soxfan2007]

good job J!!

Now here's what I would do. Tell her when the house sells, the debt is paid off. You are in charge of the finances. I'd tell her that things will be different. That you have changed. Your reactions to situations have changed and the way you deal with things have changed- and things will be different when she moves back in.

and then go from there.

That's what I told H.

Last week he mentioned he wanted to get his mom some jewelry. So I told him to check out Cookie lee. I had a friend bring a catalog to the gym and showed H. He started mocking the jewelry and what I liked (along with S- pissed me off). But instead I said, "Fine. If you're going to mock, I'll just walk away and go somewhere else." H tried the "nooooo" I replied. "I tried to help and you chose to mock. So I'm choosing not to stay here." and I walked away- catalog in hand.

H has a way of doing the same kind of joking that your W does. He has yet to apologize.

[OldFool]

I say that is a great idea but I want us to go to counseling before we get the kids involved.

Stick to your guns on this! You've both got a lot of territory to cover before either of you are ready for her to move back in. I think the only way you'll both be satisfied with the outcome is if you have an unbiased third party involved to help both of you through the process and, as sox says, come to understand that the situation has changed forever (it can still be good, but it will be different). Insist on counseling before all else. If she's not willing and engaged, you'd have never made any progress anyway. Good luck.

[jersting]

Update...
I went in last week tuesday for knee surgery, my w found out I was going in and insisted on going with me. It was an overnight stay and she went and stayed with me. I am on cruches now and will be for a couple more weeks. She has been staying at my house the whole time. The kids are there too. I didn't want to get the kids involved until I knew we were going to stay together for sure but this all kinda just happened. We have talked alot and she says she wants to move back home and sell her house that I bought in June. She wants to use that money to pay off the amount I borrowed and the extra to go toward her credit cards. That would be fine with me if she doesn't have another change of heart. She tells me all the time that she loves me and she is so happy that we are together again. She says she has called her lawyer a couple times to call this off but I haven't heard anything from the lawyers on that. I am not holding my breath on that but I am hopefull for us. I will post more as more things progress.

[OldFool]

I went in last week tuesday for knee surgery...

Hope you're recuperating quickly.

We have talked alot and she says she wants to move back home and sell her house that I bought in June. She wants to use that money to pay off the amount I borrowed and the extra to go toward her credit cards. That would be fine with me if she doesn't have another change of heart.

I think you're way too early to give this any serious consideration...for exactly the reason you point out in that last sentence.

She tells me all the time that she loves me and she is so happy that we are together again. She says she has called her lawyer a couple times to call this off but I haven't heard anything from the lawyers on that. I am not holding my breath on that but I am hopefull for us.

I think "hopeful, but cautious" is appropriate for you. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but don't let go of the counseling. Whether you/she think you need it or not, you do.

I'm hoping for good things for you. The happy endings are so few and far between. Happy holidays to you and best wishes for a very good new year.

[jersting]

thank you OF. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you also. I am going to get us in to counseling if this lasts through the Hollidays.

[sofaraway]

Hey Jersting, some crazy mixed up stuff isn't it.

I was just stopping by to say Merry Xmas, but read up on whats been going on.

Stick to your guns, you have earned the right to be firm at this point and set some boundaries of acceptability for yourself. You have already played the yoyo game with her and have a right to feel more secure before you make any financial decisions. She put you in that position my friend, not you.

If I were you I might sit down and try and figure out what reconciliation looks like to you. Figure out what you need to feel more solid and comfortable that things are truly coming back together. Have her do the same and maybe sit down and go over your lists and see what each of you need tp feel comfortable moving ahead in this.

I have a huge amount of hope for you my friend, I believe your W does love you and want this to work out, but may not have any clue how to actually make that happen. Be strong and have a little faith dude. I think 2008 is going to be a great year for you.

Ian

[soxfan2007]

Hope you had a good Christmas.

From someone is is a few cars ahead of you on this rollercoaster- take it slow. Don't rush. Make sure this is what you want and that you have some foundation of trust back before she moves back in. I wish I had waited. There are so many things I would have done differently- and it's only been 2 months. I even had an anniversary present for H that I couldn't give him on the 22nd because my trust level isn't there yet.

I wanted it so much for 3 years and now it's a daily struggle not to tell H I don't think we can live together.