The End or just the Beginning? Part 2

[ann25]

Sooo... this is superlong... sorry. Also - this is all JMO.

Everyone thinks this is the best decision. I'm having a very hard going through with it though. I have never been a quitter, which is how I've gotten through life. ... I wouldn't even say it feels so much like I am losing as it feels more like I am giving up on W. Which to me, another part of me that I could loosen up on, is I always keep my promises. I don't say I'm going to do something unless it can be down. I'm a huge believer in the under promise over deliver. I just feel like I'm giving up on her, and going against the promises I made that day at the alter. Sort of tough.

It's not sort of tough, it's really tough. Acutally filing is probably going to be harder for you than the work you've done to try to hang on to the M. In the end, it's what you are willing to put up with. Getting a D doesn't mean that you guys can't work it out. It could even be a point of starting over. New people, new R. Only you know what feels right to you. The only thing you really have to do is take care of the little one.

my MIL when they were growing up would put pictures of him on the fridge and right "Captain Evil" on it.

wow - that's a good way of warping a childs mind. can't imagine how she made it this long without running away.

W has always been worried I would abandon her, and looking back I really did in a way. I went to school so much, then once school was done, she worked late and by the time she got home I usually had a few in me and didn't know how to listen to a women talk. Add to that a new child these last 3 years and I can see her point of view.

I can see her point too. She felt abandoned and all she could think of was how she wouldn't let that happen to her. I struggled with that. I swore up and down that I wouldn't be my mother and I wouldn't let my H walk all over me (which i did). Problem is, it's an internal struggle. She has to work through it. If she wants to and does, then you can be the shoulder to cry on and the person that helps her carry on, but you can't help her get past her dad issues. She sees you and feels the abandonment and sees her mom crying hysterically 15 years later. she sees herself doing that too.

So I tried to be there for her and be a rock, well I don't think I ever produced the rock so much as I did the door mat.

She probably needed you to be a doormat. She needed to show that she would not end up her mom. At some point she has to realize that she is not and you are not her dad. Again, this is her realization, not anything you can show her.

She will be great for a few days then have a slip up and start in on me or try or does change the plans. She is coming around a lot and frequently calls. Tells me where she is what she is doing and with whom. I'm not reciprocating on that end, but I don't lie either if asked.

she's confused. she wants you, but is afraid. She needs a good IC. you are doing good.

I made the conscious decision to follow through with the divorce settlement if I didn’t see W going into IC, us into MC and Retro.

what is her opinion on that? obviously open to IC. Has she picked one? maybe you could suggest calling while you are together one time, just to get it out of the way. Whether or not you all get a D, she needs counseling.

She feels I need to see what it is like to be free. However, she says she sees us trying to work things through in the near future, but can't define what the near future is.

To me, she is giving you a chance to run away. To go find someone else. She probably has some self esteem issues stemming from the dad stuff and she probably feels like this is a way for you to find someone 'better' w/out leaving her. Also, she probably feels like if you guys get a D and then get back together, it will be you chosing her again. Not staying because of vows, but chosing her all over again, flaws and all...

As she keeps talking she is getting more and more upset and says how she has become one of those people. I didn't say anything to that, I couldn't. Said she thinks she acted like and looks like a whore, so now she wants to change her look, cut her hair, etc'. All of this makes me feel like she is waking up. So it makes it very difficult to go through with my plan.

You didn't have to say that. She is guilty. I see a movie about someone that had an A (unfaithful was on tv the other night) and i about made myself sick. I didn't have a PA, but i was basically thinking, how did i become that. I made some physical appearance changes after the EA too. I think it's shedding some of the bad. guilt doesn't mean that she's got her head on straight though. Just keep watching for the signs she shows you, consistant signs are good, the back and forth could mean she's playing a little.

I supposedly have a date tonight, but it doesn't appear to be coming together. My concern is that I don't think I am really ready for dating, but on the other hand I think it will be nice to just go out to a movie with someone and enjoy their company.

i'm glad you see that you aren't ready to date. It really doesn't seem like it. Is it supposed to be a date or just hanging out? Does this person know what you are going through? Maybe make it more casual. It's nice to get some adult time and have some fun, but don't do anything that you don't feel 100% ready for, you'll regret it.

My big question is if I go through with the settlement how do I act after that? A piece of paper isn't going to make me feel better overnight. Do I continue to DB'ing efforts? Do I let her come over and hang out with her?

not sure how D works where you live (waiting period, seperation first, ???) The piece of paper is just that. It will help legally determine custody and support and put an end to your M, but the rest is up to you. Do you love her? Do you want a R with her? do you want to keep fighting for this? if yes, then do... keep moving along. If not, if this paper changes something for you, then move in the other direction.

I think its really good that she has to do counseling before you guys move on. Seems like you've done alot, now she has to make the changes within herself and heal herself. you'll not be able to do much other than prove you are there and not going anywhere...

it's a crazy journey... hang in there. ann