I really feel like I am being DB’ed by the W. She will be great for a few days then have a slip up and start in on me or try or does change the plans. She is coming around a lot and frequently calls. Tells me where she is what she is doing and with whom. I’m not reciprocating on that end, but I don’t lie either if asked.
So this last month I made the conscious decision to follow through with the divorce settlement if I didn’t see W going into IC, us into MC and Retro. I even laid this out for her, she knows perfectly well what is expected of her, not playing hide the ball or games. Well she has waffled a lot, and know she has asked for the C’ing number. Says she can only do one at a time since it is all so overwhelming. She also states that she feels the divorce is necessary, more so for me then her. She feels I need to see what it is like to be free. However, she says she sees us trying to work things through in the near future, but can’t define what the near future is.
With this behavior I can’t even say she is so much keeping me around as an option, as it appears she is trying to come to terms of why I would want to stay with her after the A. She even told me this last night. About 2 months ago while dropping S off, I found a note at her door, that said “I’ve been watching you and would like to get to know you, text me at…” I gave it to her and made a joke about a secret admirer. Well the more she thought about, she was worried it was a felon or something from work, so she texted it. He said Hi back and she asked who it was. He said I live upstairs from you, she said have we met, and he said yes you meet me with my wife the other day. So she texted back what do you want, and he said he wanted to get to know her better but not to tell his W. She then told him not to contact her again or she would tell his W. They have since moved, so no worry about a PA.
Well W goes off on how sleazy people can be, how they can’t control themselves. As she keeps talking she is getting more and more upset and says how she has become one of those people. I didn’t say anything to that, I couldn’t. Said she thinks she acted like and looks like a whore, so now she wants to change her look, cut her hair, etc…
All of this makes me feel like she is waking up. So it makes it very difficult to go through with my plan. Also on another note, I supposedly have a date tonight, but it doesn’t appear to be coming together. My concern is that I don’t think I am really ready for dating, but on the other hand I think it will be nice to just go out to a movie with someone and enjoy their company. Seems like I can’t make any decisions right now.
My big question is if I go through with the settlement how do I act after that? A piece of paper isn’t going to make me feel better overnight. Do I continue to DB’ing efforts? Do I let her come over and hang out with her? I tend to see things in black and white, and I know there is a gray. But I fell that if I go through with this I need to back out of the situation, do what I have to for my S, but leave her alone. I’m not sure if that is right way to go. My mind says there is nothing wrong with continuing letting her in my life, and as time goes by and I date and start doing things more and more for me that I will detach or she will see it and move along or we grow closer and start repairing. Am I wrong to think it is all black and white, or do I need for sanity sake, or can I keep in the gray area? Unsure of what to do.
