Merry Christmas to you Good Guy! Glad to hear you are moving on, but hope you won't go "looking" for sparks....if you know what I mean. Let it happen naturally and in it's on good time. I worry that you want to find someone to love too quickly hoping it will heal your pain you are in right now. It won't work that way, sweetie. I hope you will just enjoy the company of a lot of different ladies before you find yourself even remotely finding any sparks flying.....not b/c I don't want you to find love again....I most certainly do! But, don't rush it....as I keep reminding you....you have got to get through the grieving period and it is going to take some time.
Hope we all have a better year this next go around. Let me hear from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, if he mostly never does things to your satisfaction and in a timely (according to you) way, then for you to keep expecting him to and getting upset when he doesn't is only making YOU nuts. I know it drives you crazy, but you are not likely to make him change. Can you live with this--- wait, wrong question... you HAVE been living with this. Can you live with this without making yourself nuts? What do YOU get out of making yourself nuts over this? You get to be righteous and distant. What good is that?
Some of these things-- if they're really important to you-- you may have to take them over yourself. Bill paying, bank stuff, yard stuff. UNLESS you can let them go and let him do them in his own time. If there's some legal liability or fines involved, I suggest you simply take them over. You can't keep fighting this battle and also keep your sanity.
Is there anything he does to your satisfaction around the house?
Again, thanks for your interest and concern. Yes, my H does some things around the house to my satisfaction. Although, one of his worst habits is not finishing what he starts. If he is going to put baseboards around the room, paint, or whatever...in our house...he doesn't finish. He put primer on our house years ago but never got the paint on it. I could talk for hours about things he never finished!
He does keep the yard mowed during the summer months, plus he mows my mother's yard. He is very good to help wash dishes and things like that inside the house. I have not been physically able to do yard work in years, but I used to love working in the yard. I use to clean out the storage building every spring and try to organize the junk in there and have it looking pretty good (considering he wouldn't let me throw anything away), but then it would be right back to looking like it did before in just a matter of a few weeks, b/c he did not even try to keep it straighten. It doesn't have a door on the building, just a wide opening, so people can see inside of it and it looks bad. After I got Fibromyalgia I just couldn't do it anymore, plus it did no good.....I was wasting my time and killing myself.
He is a painter, so a lot of old paint bucketts tend to collect in the back yard and it is a real hassle to discard them b/c you can't just throw them out in the trash. They have to be completely cleaned and dried, etc. It is hard to find a place to discard house paint and almost all of the cans still have some paint left in them. But the main thing is his addiction to bringing home "junk" that he finds thinking it will be of some use someday. But, most of it is broken or just of not use. He spent $600 on a motor boat (and he never goes fishing!)and it did not run and he parked it out in the back yard and it hasn't moved an inch since the day he bought it, nor did he ever have it repaired so that it would run. He brought home an old hot tub or spa of some kind and dumped it out in the back yard. Of course it has never been installed and I don't think it even works. He has the top part of what was on his campter truck still out there. He has doors, old cabinet drawers, iron frames, sheet of plywood, tools, parts of all kinds, sheets of tin, ceiling fans, vacuum cleaners, car parts, tubs and tubs of things he has bought and never even taken out of the package. Like, door knobs, light sockets, parts, etc. Three vehicles that's not running, old grills......you name it and it's out there. I HAVE lived with it, but it gets worse as the years go by. It is the embarrasement that I can't live with. We have the worst looking yard in our neighborhood. Now the City is threatening to fine us......wouldn't that bother you to know your place looked that bad? The bad thing is that one of the City Board memebers live right in front of our house and I suspect he is the one that reported us to the City. I can't blame anyone......it is awful.
Whenever my H needs a part or nails or anything like that that we already have out in the storage building, he won't even attempt to try to dig his way through all that mess to look for it.....so he just goes buy new ones. Yet, he doesn't want me to throw any of that old stuff away! I spent an entire Saturday once organizing all his nails and bolt/nuts......and it was all in vain.
The paper stuff is about to take over our house. I've already explained that, so I won't go into it again. It's not that I couldn't do anything about that part....it's that he doesn't want me to touch it and gets mad if I throw it out.
I have tried to get him to let me take care of the bills, etc., but he won't. We finally had to get two checking accounts b/c he was driving me crazy b/c he wouldn't post the checks he wrote and we would get our account overdrawn. So, I bought both os us the checks that have the carbon copies of the ones you make out. So, now I have my bills and he takes care of his.
He won't even let me buy the groceries. This has been the biggest thing in my married life that has caused me frustration (outside of my MIL). I want to make out the menu and buy the groceries. And, you know most men don't buy groceries like women do.....so it has been a never ending battle. I get some things with my paycheck, but most of mine goes for medical purposes and my share of the bills. When I would try to talk to him about it and ask him why he wouldn't let me buy the groceries, he never would give me a satisfactory answer. The thing is, I have never had money to use carelessly. I have always watched our money carefully. I wanted to live on a budget, but he didn't. Yet, he acts like he doesn't trust me with his paycheck. I can't remember him ever turning his paycheck over to me to buy groceries or pay the bills in all the years we've been married. When I was still at home before I got married, my dad would turn his paycheck over to me to go into town and buy a week's supply of groceries and I was only 17 years old. So, what does that say? Apparently he thought I was pretty responsible! We are just different and he doesn't want to compromise about things. He finally told me one time after much pleading and begging and crying from me, that he would agree to give me so much money per week to buy groceries. I was so happy! B/c I had gotten to the place I did not enjoy trying to cook or plan anything. Well, it lasted two weeks and then he was back to the same old thing. He stops nearly every single day at the grocery store and picks up a few items. Most of it is snack stuff. Of course, that is more expensive than buying a week's supply at one time, but I never could get him to see it that way.
This past year....with everything I've went through....I just got to the place I didn't cook....period! So, he has had to do most of it. I will say this much for him.....he has not complained about the fact that I haven't been cooking. Most working men would complain about not having a home cooked meal waiting on them, but he has been very good to me about that. When I get in from work.....I crash. Usually at the computer...but still I crash. I can't seem to get much housework or anything else done, but I keep hoping that will change.
Well, it's time for me to go to work. Thanks for letting me vent this morning. I know this has been a long one! I know when I complain about my H it makes him sound awful, but he really is a good man and treats me good. It's just some of his habits or quirks or whatever you would call it that is not helping my condition at all. I believe if he could try harder to change some of the things he does that frustrate me, then it would not only make a difference in how I felt mentally and physically, but would motivate me to try a lot harder to do things around the house.
Thanks for listening.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A lot of what you've described is my bf to a T. He made a pantry for me in my kitchen about three years ago and never put the trim on it (and never will, I'll bet). He has cluttered up my yard with garden stuff, and like yourH, he doesn't bother to look for what he already has in the mess, he just buys new stuff. His house is evidence of this.
Honey, these men are NOT going to change. (Makes me glad I'm not married to mine, because I'm not in the middle of it the way you are.) Beating your head against this particulare brick wall will only give you a bloody head-- you've proved that it has no effect on him. It's a personality trait... yeah he could probably bring all of his effort to bear and change some of it, but from his pov, why should he?
What do you mean he won't LET you do the grocery shopping??? What about your income from your job-- where does it go? The money issue is a problem. Money (IMHO) is a symbol of power and energy in a marriage. You must work out something about the money. I don't necessarily like the sound of "turning over his whole paycheck to me"-- that sounds very old fashioned. But do you have a joint checking account that he deposits his paycheck into? You need (again IMHO) a checking account for household expenses and both of you have access to, even if it means you only deposit part of your paychecks into it. The money issue is too big to go into here... but sandi, you've got to work with what you've got, not what you wish you had... you're going down the Famous Cheeseless Tunnel.
Lillieperl, What I meant regarding the paycheck was in the early years of our marriage when I wasn't working and stayimg home with the kids. I was use to seeing my father and grandfather hand over their checks to the w's to buy groceries and pay the bills, so I thought that was what I was suppose to do, but it didn't work out that way. When I started working, he still bought the groceries....at his insistance. We had to get separate checking accounts later b/c he kept it messed up when we tried to have joint accounts and I never knew what checks he had written b/c he would not post them. I tried to get him to agree to let me buy the groceries and him pay for what I was paying for, but he did said NO to that fast! Like I said in the previous post, I do buy some groceries sometime, but I can't buy all of them and pay for the other expenses that I do. He is not disciplined enough to have an account just for housing expenses b/c that reqires living on somewhat of a budget. Sorry to say that, but it's the way it is. But, if the man is not disciplined enough to do his taxes and pay his bills on time or finish a job he starts around the house.....why would you think he could work a joint expense account? (lol) He would be dipping out of it constantly for something else. That old saying of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul is what he lives by anyway.
I am very independent and it has been extremely hard for me to deal with this over these years. I know I do sound old fashion from most of you, but you have to realize that I probably grew up in a different era than most of you. Can't remember your ages, but it doesn't matter......a lot has to do with the way we are raised and in my home the man was the head of the house.....which isn't always easy for me either....lol. When I wasn't working, I hated asking him for money, and he always wanted to know what I needed it for. It made me feel more like I was his little girl than his wife!
I have tried to sit back and just accept his junk and other habits that annoy me, but it just gets worse. How can I keep letting it pile up, especially now that the city has gotten involved? I know to some it sounds easy enough to say that I just need to accept him the way he is and stop worrying about it.....but I hate the junk and the mess and the embarrasement, and I don't think I can just keep on keeping on living like that. Besides, if he does continue to get worse as he gets older......what in the world am I going to do then? I am embarrased to have people come over to our house.....it's that bad!
Now, mind you, I don't pretend to be the fanatic housekeeper my mother is......, but, I don't like mess and I don't like filth. I don't like my place looking like trashy people live there. I've often wondered what my mother would have done if my dad had been turned like my H, b/c he was neat like Mother. So, I asked her one day what she would do if she were in my shoes and she just shook her head and said she probably would have either left him or committed murder by now...and then she laughed a little, but then said seriously that she didn't have a clue what she would do under the same circumstances.
Maybe nobody knows what to tell me. Maybe you are right and he is too set in his ways. Oh, God help me!
P.S. Oh, I don't think it makes me "righteous" at all.....it just makes me bitchy!
Last edited by sandi2; 12/26/0709:36 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If this drives you so nuts, why not divorce and then just live together? That way he will be responsible for his stuff and you for yours? Make sure you go back to your maiden name and make a point of telling people you are NOT married.
I promise you: he is not going to change. That kind of irresponsibility is maddening-- don't get me wrong. My bf is like that and is one of the many reasons I would NEVER marry him. When I met him, he was driving with an expired drivers license and had been for years. Frequently I would go to his house and pick up the phone-- no dial tone-- he "forgot" to pay his bill. The rest of us remember, but for these guys, it's just too much to cope with. HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
So what are you going to do?? This irritation and stress are taking their toll on you. You can say "I can't live with this," but clearly you CAN, because that's what you're doing.
What are you going to do for YOU.
It does make you righteous, because you believe that his way is inferior to your way. You get to be superior and right. Just like you assumed that the way your father handed over his paycheck was the correct way. The correct way is whatever you can live with. Because your H handles things in ways not to your liking, you can stay mad and judgmental at him. What if it truly DIDN'T MATTER to you? It wouldn't matter to everyone. (Don't get me wrong, it would to me, too, but then I'm not married to the guy.)
Lillieperl, I've discovered where I have repeated myself again by telling things I had already posted about.....sorry. That's a bad habit of mine that drives my H crazy....lol.
I also want to add that I have contributed to a lot of "stuff" the past year b/c I tried to decorate for weddings until my health went down. I had stored most of my things in a rented building, but finally had to let it go. So, I put what I could in a storage building, but it has helped to crowd things, too. I did tell him that I would be willing to get rid of part of my stuff if he would get rid of his......only thing is.....my stuff is good stuff...lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
