It can work....he can change...maybe one day he'll realize how bad he has hurt you. Remember, don't believe everything he say's. He is really upset because he is unhappy with himself..not you! Try going to counseling by yourslef and see if he'll go...find a counsellor that is goal oriented.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Unfortunately he is in counseling now with someone who is NOT pro-marriage at all. She told him that he needs to be prepared for his marriage to fail, our problems are marriage-ending problems, etc.. AND, she only counsels cops, so she won't see me.
Can he really change? Into the man I married perhaps?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
mine is on the 14th....I do think someone can change but it takes time...maybe try going to your own counselor and see if he will go with you...There are a lot of negative counselors out there, I agree. Shop around and tell them what your goals are and see how they respond. I am going to try to find one after the first of the year. Sometimes insurance will cover a portion too!
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Hi, ms ladybug, I just read your entire sitch. Much of what you say about your H is true of mine. He, too is a cop, has been for 13 yrs. The unreasonable anger, the yelling, being wishy-washy about what he wants, etc.. My H doesn't do them so much now, but during the summer of '06, he was so awful, I was really afraid sometimes. I sometimes thought it was the fear of losing his job was what kept him from really losing it with me. He, too has treated me as though I were one of his suspects, as though I was only lying to keep out of trouble, he was (because of ow's influence, when she had no one at her pristine house to clean up after) constantly on me (and still is to some extent) about the cleanliness, or lack thereof, in our house, and car. We live in the south, so if yall move to the south, he should know it's not going to be just helping old ladies cross the street, there is a huge meth problem here, too. I can only wonder if your H has had either a close call with a thug, had another cop get hurt or killed and it has affected him, or something else, that has made him think idealistically of the genteel south, and want to move his family somewhere he feels would be safer. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of places here that are still very low crime, but no place is immune, unfortunately. I imagine there are places where you are now that are fairly low crime, too, and maybe yall could compromise if it came to that. Why not talk with him about his fears and ask if he is afraid for yall. Perhaps some ego stroking is in order. I know it has helped with my H, he needed me to validate his worth to me, and his feelings.
I still wonder if ow is totally out of the picture, but I am trying my darnedest to make our marriage better. To me, he tries very little if at all, but perhaps it's because I am the one thinking about it so much of my time.
As for the stupid counselor he is seeing, that sucks! thank goodness, if my H's sarge notices anything he is a very religious man who puts up with no nonsense, and would speak to him in a kind way. Also he sometimes has talked to the chaplain, so that may be a suggestion for your H, to speak with the chaplain at his precinct. It would maybe be better that that C he is seeing now. Plus, since the chaplain is most likely a man, it could be better advice coming from him.
I just wanted to drop by with my little ol' 2cents worth. I hope things get better soon, it sounds like he is a cop in the bouts of a MLC or something.
Jan. 1 - I took off my wedding ring. It seemed sort of...significant. Like I'm really starting off the new year facing reality head on. I don't know that I've given up completely, but I won't be walked on. So whatever happens, I'm protecting myself and my kids the best that I can.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
So, last night h calls and asks me if I want him to come over with a couple movies. I say "sure". Then he gets a little pissy and says, "If you want me to come over, why don't you ask me? Why do I have to bring it up? It's like you don't want to spend any time with me." (WHAT??).
So, he comes over and it's pretty late like 11:00, so I told him that we can watch the movies in the bedroom in case I fall asleep (which I always do during movies ). So, we go to the bedroom. He hugs me and tells me that he misses me and that he loves me. On the bed I have a new set of sheets my mom got me for Christmas - 800thread-count. So soft. Well, we "test-drove the sheets". Then, watched the movie kinda cuddling. As soon as the movie was over, h gets up, puts on his clothes, and heads for the door. So, I ask, "are you leaving?" He says, "I'm going to the living room, I'm going to have a snack, then I'm going home." Well, I must have given him a funny look to which he says, "I'm not going to pretend that everythings just fine with us." (again, WHAT??). He then says that he's not ready to work on things until he sees me putting in effort! He also said that his patience is wearing thin, and he doesn't know how much longer he can wait for me to make changes.
Oh, OK! Don't pretend everything's just fine with us! How about DON'T come over and have sex like everythings FINE THEN?! It's all good when sex is involved, other than that...
I'M NOT pretending that things are just fine. Believe me, I live the hell you've given me. Things are NOT just fine! But, don't use me and then tell me that you still can't work on things with me until you can see that I've changed! I'm just angry! I don't want him to come over anymore, and then when he's not here, my mind reels about where he might be...
I'm just rambling, and pissed...
Last edited by ms ladybug; 01/03/0809:14 PM.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Wow that is harsh. 1. It seems he's saying you need to fix everything and it's up to you to change. Pointing all fingers at you. 2. It seems he's only nice until he got what he wants. What a jerk!
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Right on with #1. He blames it ALL on me. I did contribute to the demise of our marriage. I won't deny that, but it's MINIMIL compared to how he's treated me the last 3 yrs. Truly! I was a good wife, and I'm a damn good mom! I let a LOT of things roll off my back, while he let NOTHING roll. He was on my case about EVERYTHING!
I'm having an angry moment if you can't tell. I rather like these moments. Easier than the sad times.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
). So, we go to the bedroom. He hugs me and tells me that he misses me and that he loves me. On the bed I have a new set of sheets my mom got me for Christmas - 800thread-count. So soft. Well, we "test-drove the sheets". Then, watched the movie kinda cuddling. As soon as the movie was over, h gets up, puts on his clothes, and heads for the door. So, I ask, "are you leaving?" He says, "I'm going to the living room, I'm going to have a snack, then I'm going home." Well, I must have given him a funny look to which he says, "I'm not going to pretend that everythings just fine with us." (again, WHAT??). He then says that he's not ready to work on things until he sees me putting in effort! He also said that his patience is wearing thin, and he doesn't know how much longer he can wait for me to make changes.