H never came back from Iraq

[MichelleLT]

I guess by default I am in the LRT since he's not speaking to me at all and I don't want to be the first one to try and make contact since he doesn't seem receptive. I just hate it because it feels like doing nothing. I don't feel like I'm working on my marriage at all, I feel like I'm sitting by and watching him move on and just being miserable. I don't feel like I have a lot of options because I told him I would not file for D and that I would not sign for the quick D. I also have never cheated on anyone and would consider it cheating if I was seeing someone since we are still married even though he insists that "we are over" and "we are not getting back together" and somehow in his twisted logic being married isn't a R by itself. So I'm stuck, watching this all happen, feeling very helpless and not feeling like I have any options and not feeling like anything I'm doing is helping since everything keeps spiraling out of control whether I'm nice, whether I tell him how hurt I am, whether I yell or whether I don't talk to him for a month. I hate this all so much!!!

I figured out why I was so depressed yesterday. I keep expecting him to call or e-mail or send me a present. I shouldn't be surprised since I didn't even get a token gift for my birthday 2 1/2 months ago (and barely got a token gift for our anniversary back in July), but since he keeps insisting he doesn't believe in divorce, I keep expecting he'll work on our R then. I mean, if he doesn't believe in D, what other option is there??????? Plus I hate not talking to or seeing him. Even after everything he's done to me, I feel better around him. It feels so right and normal. We haven't talked since the beginning of the month, I miss him so much. At least when we were talking regularly and hanging out as friends I felt like there was a chance.