Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[phbear316]

SG

I am coming to the end of my rope with this. I have only texted him twice since he has been gone. I wait for him to call me, i have ignored his calles, made him wait as you say.

I have been looking at this as he has been calling me, it seems to me that he wants to talk, even if it is about nothing, he initiates the calls not me.

I guess i just don't see how i am pushing if we are not talking. I feel there is nothing to talk about reguarding us, for h is not there. I just see now that i cannot do this, just shut down completely, makes me feel like i am dying. I have done my best to detach, and it is hard, but i have done a lot of detaching with h. I just feel it is working the reverse on me, if he see that i don't care, it makes it so much easier to do what he wants when he wants with her.

Yes i know i have no control over what he does with ow, i get that, h has me on a rollercoaster, one week he shows total emotions the next week, the wall shows more emotion. I get it he is confused and in crisis. But I am too. I don't tell him where i am at all times, there have been times he thinks i am in one place and i am somewhere totally different.

I am doing my best to be a hero like i said, but i don't feel i am getting anywhere with it.

I am beyond hesitant to make a girlfriend right now, have been to hurt by others in the past. Have gotten used to being a loner of sorts. I had a best friend, H. I think he is still there, just needs to find me.

No Sg, to be totally honest with you as i always am , no i don't like this. None of this, i did not ask for this, and cannot cope and accept this whole situation. I have done my best with this in detaching, doing 180's, being indifferent, vauge, counceling etc. Don't see any stellar results just pain for me.

I don't have plans for new years, there will be none, I have to work New years eve, and we are all on call for emergencies. I am off the 1st, working the 2nd. Anyway never liked NYE, amature night. Have always prefered to stay at home, much safer.

I guess right now i am in the angry stage of all this. I am angry about yesterday that not one person from his side i spoke to. Why this is getting to me i don't know. But i will by the day is over have to get it out of my system and just forgive and let it go. I must do it.

I am still on the fence about vacation, but i am about 90% sure i will be going alone. And i know he is not going, i have known that since day one. Just hate the idea of me being away and him spending time with her. Just bothers me.

I did go to my parents from about 3p to 9p. Then home.

I am sorry if i sound angry and disrespectful i do not mean to be, and i am sorry for that. its just my anger is rising inside and it just needs to boil off for a better term today. Hope will rise up again. Please fogive me.

I am not getting off this train, i am still going to try. Its just i am having a really off day today as a result of yesterday. I don't know what i was thinking, what it would be like, just hoped a little to much and once again have been disappointed with the results.

As i sit here any type this, i realize i think more of my hurt and anger is against h's family that h. Oh he takes a big part of it but i have shifted a little today. My feelings are hurt, bottom line, no if and or buts about it. I don't like feeling this way, and like i said, i will move on from this and let it go. That is a goal for today, get it out of my system by the end of the day.

But as i stated before, i will get back on track and keep going with DB'ing 1000000%.

bear