New to Piecing -- again

[peaceful_spirit]

CL,
I need to work hard at handling my emotions. I struggle with this every day.

So, that said... will I ever be able to trust H again? Will I ever be able to let my guard down? Even though things have been going relatively well over teh past few months, which was a HUGE improvement over the year before that, I still struggle with trust.

I know I make matters worse when I question H about things. I know we're not supposed to do this. But how do I handle the suspicions? HOw do I handle the thought that OW might have TMd or called H to wish him a Merry Christmas.

I know that I could sabotage our efforts by always asking him questions. And this is where my internal battle comes in. I think to myself... do I really want to feel better about where he was by asking him questions that I know annoy him, or do I want to let it go for the sake of keeping things peaceful in our home? I struggle with this ALL the time.

There were a few occasions over the past weekend that I initiated conversations that were not productive. It was around me being suspcious... then bringing up the past and throwing it in his face. BAD... I KNOW! Then I went on to tell him that I was sorry that I said those things and that I am still working on dealing with certain triggers that conjur up those passionate emotions in me. Then after that conversation, I felt disconnected from H. So, of course I had to bring THAT up and tell him taht I dont' feel connected to him and that I felt he was disinterested in me. This conversation did not go well. This all happened on Christmas Eve.

So, later that night, when H came to bed, we ML. So, I just left it all there. I kind of saw that as a peace offering.

But even today, I continue to have fears and concerns about KNOWING that H is being true.

I need some guidance here (and maybe a 2x4 or two).