No, actually I don't think it's controlling. I had to do a lot of work around that...because expressing your true feelings is not controlling. Now, if I'd said something like, "I don't want you to go, and if you do I think it's going to hurt our M," that's a lot more controlling to me. Would he have liked the way I should have said it? Would he have liked my feelings? Probably not. However, I am only responsible for my feelings, not his. I think the key piece is that I would have been being true to my own feelings and saying them because it was the honest thing to say, not to elicit a particular response from H. Make sense?
Makes perfect sense to me! For me, that's an easy trap to fall into - assuming that my feelings and needs are understood, or simply not being assertive enough to express them. No matter how much we learn - there's always more to do, isn't there?
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
H is getting better I suppose, and I am learning to accept this part of him. But...do I ever feel first? Not much. Rarely. If I'm honest, I can't tell you the last time he put me first. H tends to not be able to multi-task, so whatever is most pressing on him gets his attention. Work gets busy, it's 100% what he's focused on. His family is bickering about what restaurant to go eat at or what we should do, and that's 100% what he's focused on. When I turn up the heat in MC, that's really the only time I'm first...but then a new crisis or whatever comes along, and that's where his attention goes. It's like he can't sustain anything for me...and so I guess somewhere I kind of question why he's in this R. But I can't stay in that place mentally...it feels bad, and it takes the focus off of working on me and GAL. I can't do anything about how H feels, and he pretty much doesn't talk about it, so I have no way of knowing what's in his mind.
FWIW, I think the "poor multi-tasking" trait is pretty common for men - and we find it equally frustrating that the women we know do it so well, we often perceive it as being unable to focus and finish one train of thought without weaving a dozen others into a single conversation! It's just confusing, I tell ya!
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Originally Posted By: Jen_Jam
If he were to be putting you first sometimes, what would he be doing? I'm fishing here ... remember in the DR book it states that we should be specific ... what does "more intimacy" look/feel like to you (if you answer this question remember this is a family website, LOL). Communicating that to H, maybe could help? If you've already done it maybe try again?
More intimacy would look like ease and comfort with each other. It would be actions that showed he enjoyed my company and looked forward to the time we spend together. It would be hugs and kisses and come ons. It would be having sex more often...lots more often. Hell, 70-year old couples STILL have sex 3x a week, and we're not even at that number in a month. Intimacy would mean I let my guard down...that I didn't second guess myself or measure my actions by how he reacts or what I think he might think. It would be open communication on his part (I've got some work to do, but I'm light years ahead of where he is)...about what he wants and needs from me. It would be KNOWING that going to LW's party might cause me pain and choosing not to go. It would be making US a priority instead of offering excuses like work's crazy or whatever else gets in the way. It would be playfulness and fun and joy. It would be tackling problems that come up together. It would be the belief that I'm not the "bad" one...on both our parts I guess.
Certainly, H's single-mindedness doesn't excuse failing to put you first.
Look at it this way. We all have strengths and weaknesses - tendencies we need to exploit or overcome as we go about getting things done in our lives. Perhaps you could approach it that way in MC - as a problem to be solved. (We men usually like that! ) The problem is, H gets sucked in by the attention-grabbing Issue of the Day and forgets to keep on track with his efforts to improve your relationship (and I do believe that, deep down, he wants to do that.) How can he overcome that tendency? What new habits does he need to cultivate that will keep him on track, and how can he reinforce them? Heck, maybe just a big sign on his bathroom mirror that says "What have you really done to improve your marriage in the last 24 hours?" (I think I could use a sign like that too!) And while we're on the subject, how can you gently help nudge him along, without feeling like you are having to be responsible?
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Anyway, to anyone else who's still reading this thread, know that you are appreciated more than you could ever know.
I'm still reading, even though I'm not posting as much these days as I used to. Believe me, the feeling is mutual, for you, Jen, and all the others.
Have a wonderful New Year - make it your best ever!!!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
) The problem is, H gets sucked in by the attention-grabbing Issue of the Day and forgets to keep on track with his efforts to improve your relationship (and I do believe that, deep down, he wants to do that.) How can he overcome that tendency? What new habits does he need to cultivate that will keep him on track, and how can he reinforce them? Heck, maybe just a big sign on his bathroom mirror that says "What have you really done to improve your marriage in the last 24 hours?" (I think I could use a sign like that too!) And while we're on the subject, how can you gently help nudge him along, without feeling like you are having to be responsible?
