I have tried to go dark -- as dark as is possible given how I am trying to be a father to our S's. I will just have to insist on never speaking to W, to ignore her chitchat and not be lead into any more R talks, no matter what. I have to prepare for her frequent refrain of accusing me of failing to communicate whenever I don't follow into her minefields -- I just have to smile and ignore her, at all costs, regardless of the repercussions, because the alternative is far worse.
I give up. Silent running is now the mode with her.
Last night before going to bed I wrote up a letter to W. I have no plans to give this to her, but I think it summarizes my own feelings about us right now.
"Why did you make me fall in love with you?!!
Why was it so important to get me to put my heart on the line for you, to marry you, and alter my whole life for you?
If you never really loved me, then why?!!! Was it your ego, again? Was it your self-esteem? The same reason you have decided to cheat on me? To now dismiss my love for you once you thought I no longer gave you what you wanted? Now that you can get that "fix" from someone else? That boost to your ego, to your self-esteem?
Why?
Did you ever really love me? Are you even capable? Or is it that you can never really get past these self-esteem problems? These mountainous insecurities? That you are too fearful for your own sensitive ego, such that you can never truly risk giving yourself to someone else, for fear that they too will fail you?
Is this why I have always been tested by you? Is this why you are always doubting me? Persistently? Because you made me responsible for overcoming your insecurities? With no help from you?
Is this why you have lost respect for me? Because no one can ever measure up, not for long, because no one can overcome your own personal problems with your fragile self-esteem? Because you cannot allow yourself to trust anyone else? Because you don't trust yourself? Because you cannot believe in your own self worth? So even I, your husband, am suspect?
Is that why you feel the need to control others?
Is this why this seems a never ending battle? That because you refuse to recognize and account for this one weakness of character, I would forever be trying to prove myself to you? And forever trying to prove your worth both to me and to yourself?
And because I too am not perfect, and I do fall, you want to throw in the towel? Because I can fail and have failed to sustain my one purpose in your eyes, which is to affirm your self-worth no matter what?
But you did. You got me to fall in love with you. I can remember the very moment it happened. Can you? Do you really know what was going on in your own heart at that time? Was it really love on your part? Or was it the fulfilling of a need to have your own self-worth affirmed?
Was it Love ... or the idea of being in love?
Yes, you did get me to love you -- and I still continue to do so, despite all the pain and anguish it has meant. Though I sometimes really wish it were not so."
I fear I now know the answer to these questions. W will never answer them herself, but it doesn't matter.
