Read the recent situation. I know the pain, the tears and the rage. You are a beautful woman, a kind soul, a faithful wife and a loving mother -- you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Your question essentially, is, is it OK to anti-DB?
Frank_D once put it well when he told me the two typical reactions to an affair are: 1)Anger, ultimatums, and then filing for divorce, 2) Begging and pleading for your spouse to end it and come back. Divorce busting is neither of these. We can't be ruled by anger, wounded-pride, or fear of abandonment.
The idea, really, is to detach from the pain and work on yourself. Save yourself. Then, maybe, there's a shot of saving your marriage.
Yet, we all know how hard it is to GAL. It's really, really, really, hard.
And in theory you should GAL while living with your philandering husband.
That's even harder.
So, perhaps, physical space will give you time to heal. You might be better off not seeing him go on dates and screw around.
And perhaps, you moving on with a separation is a strong signal that you won't let him have his cake and eat it, too.
If you can't "lure" him back, then, perhaps, playing hardball is better than sitting around and being hurt.
LWB, the men I have talked to, who turned their marriages around, are unique. They were able to honestly change themselves and transform into warrior-poets who any woman would find irresistible. They were lucky and their wives happen to notice. They are real super-stars.
I don't think I'm that dynamic or self-disciplined.
I'll be honest with you...I look worse than I did when this all started. I've put on weight, and don't have all that much fun. It's not attractive to my wife.
I hate to say this, but most of us, under the cirsumstances of an affair, just can't "Get a Life". It's what's necessary, but it's almost too much to ask.
At the core, I'm a decent man, with great flaws but a very kind heart. I'm good to my children. I work hard. But I'll never sweep my wife off her feet.
So...ask youself, are you up to becoming a "new" LWB?
If not, then perhaps hard-ball is all you've got left.
With these grave words I send a prayer up for you.
You are indeed, a treasure, LWB. Don't let your husband make you think otherwise. Many of us would snap you up in a second, without you having to try and "Get a Life." You have a lot to offer.
Please listen to the wise Theoden, Lwb. He has eloquently stated what so many of us know about you. That you are a good and beautiful, worthy woman, one who has her heart and spirit precisely where it needs to be. The warm glow from your soul would draw any sane man to you, and he would count himself as among the most blessed to call you his own. Your H's actions prove himself otherwise -- he is just not sane. I am so sorry for the pain this causes you.
I hope you had a good Christmas. I think I might be able to help some with how to handle your sitch...anti-DB and all. We can discuss at lunch tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it!
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Theoden is correct. The outstanding question here is, are you willing to make significant changes in your life? For a lot of us, the answer is (surprisingly) "no." The reason being is that many here feel that a LBS shouldn't be the one to make the changes, it should be the WAS. We feel that, at the very least, we should not be expected to be the first to change. We didn't cheat. We didn't commit adultery (an act that is considered universally unacceptable in every single culture across the globe). So why is it up to us to put in all the work while our spouses re-live their teen years?
Like Theoden, I, too am not a person to whom my wife is attracted. In my situation, I am (at best) the "less painful" option. And for your situation, at the very least, you should be in this position (and I think that you are now, which is good).
You stand for an intact family. You stand for what is best for your girls. Continue on this path, but take steps to protect yourself, emotionally and financially. You can do this. We are here to help.
Give her hugs for all of us. 