I need to get more comfortable with casual touching.
It was almost as if, after years of my wife's rejection of my sexual advances, I became obsessed with mere touching. Any touch from her and I would immediately think "sex!". And for a similar reason, I think, I avoided touching other adults. Maybe I subconsciously linked touching to sex, and I didn't want sex with those other people, so I didn't touch them. (although I always hugged my kids a ton, wrestled with them, bathed them, etc - plenty of non-sexual touching there).
My "issue" with touching sounds weird, and to me it seems totally foreign. I am not a sex weirdo, I don't think so anyway, but I have to admit I am now a little weird about touching. So now I am working on that. I am going out of my way to touch people when I talk to them, to give friendly hugs more often. Lots more non-sexual touching. I am thinking about taking a therapeutic massage, which would have been very difficult for me, a couple months ago. First, because it seems overly self-indulgent (my cheap side showing) and second because it is intimate touching with a stranger, which is weird.
At the same time I notice that I still miss making love with her, very much. The other night, when W and I shared a bottle of wine, I had absolutely no plan or explicit desire to get physical with her. But just sitting and watching her face, just talking to her, I found I was physically aroused, very strongly. My head was saying "just listen to her, share a conversation" but my body was ready for sex right then! I had trouble concentrating. In the end I didn't say anything or act on my desires, but it bothered me that I couldn't just talk with her, without wanting her sexually.
I'm still married and not interested in having my desires satisfied by anyone other than my wife. I don't know what to do about this. I'm worried that she'll see my desire for sex right now, and it will scare her off.
I think I am going to get that book today, about the sex starved marriage, maybe it has some insight for me.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
