DH, your situation is similar to mine in some ways, but also different. Your W says she never liked sex, shows no affection for you now, and you are essentially separated though still living in the same house. Similar to me. [except: my W never said "I never liked sex"; it was more that she rarely initiated sex, and it dropped to NEVER in the past 4-5 years. Lots of rejections of my initiations. We had a 10-month spell where we just never ML. Her explanation for this lack of sex was that she was never interested though she always enjoyed it after things got going.]
My W now says she pretended with me for a long time, pretended to love me. She said that she believes "we made a mistake" when we got married (4 kids, 14 yrs ago). That she is no longer willing to push away her feelings. The affair she had was just a symptom of the lack of feelings for me. She is no longer willing to work around her lack of feelings for me.
My W has repeatedly told me I should find another, someone who can please me. This sounds Similar to yours. She has even made specific suggestions about other women. "Why don't you marry X?" She's also said to me, "Anyone else would have left me by now." At first I found this bizarre and scary, but as time goes on I am more comfortable with her saying these things. I take them not as absolute truth but as a reflection of the confusion in her heart. It is a lie that she never loved me, I can look back and I know this to be true. There's a lot of revisionist billsh!t in what she says.
Taking a step back, a person who says these things to the father of her children.... isn't well. She's in serious pain. As I share the details of my story with other people, many people comment that my W seems to have huge self esteem issues. And Surprise! Having an affair and taking an ax to the primary relationship in her life, somehow didn't make her feel self confident or empowered.
I have been served divorce papers, about a month ago, so maybe I'm not the best source of advice for you. But, since that time I have recommitted myself to getting a life; to making the changes I want in myself, FOR MYSELF; to being happy FOR MYSELF; to accepting what IS, rather than wishing for what AIN'T.
Sounds easy, but it isn't and I don't always do what I intend. I am prone to sulking. I often wish for happier times with my family. But I do what I can, I do my best. And I hang with people who support me and my efforts, people who know my situation and support my desire to rebuild my family. I avoid people who advise me to give up, get real, or "face the facts."
And as I ignore "the facts", I see glimmers of hope. She is not actively pursuing the divorce. There's no hurry. The papers are filed, but she appears to be conflicted about following through with it. The times we are together I make as pleasant as I can. She actually kissed me yesterday, on Christmas, the first kiss she offered to me in maybe.... 5 months? WOW! She is looking good, taking care of herself more. We shared a bottle of wine on Christmas eve, with all the kids asleep. This was so intimate and touching!
Like you, I have doubts. I wonder that, after 3 feet of snow falls in Tucson, and she comes to me and says "I want to work on our marriage", will I be interested? Will I have the strength to start the work? How will I find trust within me?
I don't know the answers to these questions, but that's ok. Today, I live with the intention to have a family, and to be someone's best friend and partner. I'd prefer if that someone were my W, the mother of my children. I will cross those other bridges when I get to them. For now I focus not on those bridges, but on enjoying today.
None of this is really direct advice from me to you; it's just me sharing my strength and hope and experience with you as you go through this time.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I also read other inspirational stories. People can change.
I am embracing the change in myself.
I used to be frugal, a saver, the financially responsible one in our marriage. Maybe too cheap. Now I am spending more, saving less. Irresponsible? With 4 college-bound kids, maybe, but it is a 180 for me. I'm having fun spending money on myself now. When W sees me (I am out of the house), it is often with a new set of clothes.
another example: I'm wearing cologne.
I do more things I like, with or without kids. For me it is mountain biking, skiing, exercise outside. This helps keep my mood up.
I went back to church.
Don't give up hope. keep posting and sharing.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Sir- Thanks for posting. You are right, our situations are similar and different! Aren't they all! I know I need to do some thing differently, and I'm working at that. And I try not to get too discouraged, but I would be lying to say that time doesn't take its toll.
I read the SSM forum pretty regularly. And while there are successes, it strikes me that they are very much the exception in cases like this. I read hairdog's situation, and am fairly certain that we are somehow married to the same woman!
My wife is i no hurry to divorce, I think, but it seems to me that it is because she is content with most things as they are. I generally take care of being dad (though she could certainly point out each and every one of my failures), I bring home a paycheck, I do stuff around the house (though even I know not enough) and I don't bother her much. I think it suits her fine, at least consciously. I'm sure there are deeper issues inside, but if she doesn't want to see them, nothing's going to happen there. So I keep plugging. But I think I will have to do something soon to at least rock the boat a little. She is too comfortable with the status quo, and it has been going on too long. As far as what that might be, I jut don't know yet.
