Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

FA...great to hear from you brother. I have just under 100. I have been through Man A$$ and you can keep it. Throw a snow ball at some wiley person up there. I have to say I wish I were in the AF sometimes...you guys know just how long to deploy for. When I am done I will have tripled the length of your deployment.

Just a quick update for everyone...

Christmas has come and gone and this one has been crappier than any other. Not only am I have issues in my marriage, but I am deployed. I ate Christmas lunch alone, watched White Christmas (tradition) in my room and pretty much just prayed for the day to push on so I could go back to a normal schedule.

W and I are trying to work through our issues. We IM each other frequently but there is still the uncomfortable air of everything going on. Not sure what is going to happen when I get back but I know that I must keep S,D,S in the forefront so that I do not go out of my flipping mind.

Not sure if you all can relate but the worst times for me are when I am trying to fall asleep or in a light sleep. It seems that everything that I have repressed or manage to push into my subconsious (fear, anger, dread etc) all come back like a tidal wave. Sometimes I am almost forced into the fetal position with these feelings, it is dumb and awful all at the same time. Then as if I am pulled out of everything, I am able to regain control and it all goes away.

Trying to keep W engaged on the IM, although I am not pushy, clingy or anything...just talking about stuff.

Struggling with trying not to project but also trying to plan ahead for the future outside of the green suit. Holy mind wrecking batman. The military sure is a cushy job for those who don't mind getting deployed or all the other stupid crap we go through. However, in the best interest of my family and myself I am separating. We will see how it goes.

Hope you guys are rounding out a good Christmas break and you are somewhere between sugar plums dancing in your head and watching reindeer leap over fences. That means, I hope you are all sleeping well.

I will admit, I am confused about my sitch and not sure what is going to happen, but I know it will not get better unless I choose to do something about it.