Today is Christmas. Last night I spent the evening at my sister's house with my siblings and all of their kids - 16 of em in that generation. It was great fun. This is something my family has done for 20 years, going back to when I was a teenager and my parents were around. My W has been included in the last 18 or so of those get-togethers.
This year she and I are splitting time with the kids over the holidays. She came to my sister's house, after half my siblings had departed. Despite my requests and coaching beforehand, 2 of my sisters were pretty tense about W even being there. This disappointed me, as I think my sister's behavior was really counterproductive to my DB desire and efforts. (this sister and my W had been close) One other sister, who had already left, brought a gift for W, which was nice. Remember W has filed divorce papers against me. My sister, devout Catholic, is giving her christmas gifts. A very nice, welcoming, peacemaking gesture, I thought. W was pleased with the gift.
My kids had spent the last 4 days with my nieces and nephews, and with my siblings. We all had a blast. We laughed a lot. It was great to experience it. My W has just one nephew on her side - an infant. So there are no built-in chums on her side of the family for my kids. My kids like "my side" of the family more, not that they even think about the distinction.
Anyway.....From my sister's house, W took the kids to her sister's house, where she had a tree set up. I followed her, in a separate car, carrying a santa-bag full of presents. When I got to the house, W opened a bottle of wine. A nice friendly touch. We sat and shared a drink and chatted. I complimented her hair, which looked really good, and her outfit (A new top I had not seen, with some nice slacks I had given her last xmas). I tried to mirror her, physically. We talked about her family, her mom, her sister and brother. Normally we would visit all of them for the holidays, but this year W scheduled those visits without me. Her mom is not well. W had hoped to spend some enjoyable time with her mom, but her mom is older and sadly, is experiencing the onset of alzheimer's. It really stinks for her mom, but also for W, who feels as if she is "losing" her mom. I empathized. We had talked about this previously, before the separation. Now it was happening.
After we were sure the 4 kids were safely asleep, W and I, just the two of us, arranged the presents under the tree, just like we have done for the past 14 years. For me it was pure pleasure.
I think with the money problems we've been having, W was anxious about Christmas, thought maybe it would be pretty bleak. But I was determined to not let that happen for the kids. I think Christmas is more than the toys and presents you get, that sharing time with family is the greatest gift, but it doesn't hurt to impress your 11-yr old son with a new Xbox 360, or to surprise your 9-yr old daughter with a new watch.
This year we shopped separately, so as I put the presents I bought and wrapped under the tree, I told her about each one. I was very excited for the kids about all this, I had put a lot of thought and effort into making Christmas pleasant for them. She mostly watched as I did this; she was impressed with the pile of loot. She wondered where the money was coming from. I didn't respond to this. (I am borrowing from friends but did not choose to share this information with her)
By this time it was late. We separately got ready for bed. I was to sleep with our D9 in a bed, and W with our D5. Before retiring, W came out to show me her new silk PJ's. Very nice. I went to bed, then got up and went to her bed, told her I was glad I was here, and that I was looking forward to Christmas morning. She agreed - she was looking forward to it, too. Then I went to bed. There was no pressure for anything physical. Actually I am not interested at the moment - I am really just focusing on enjoying my time with her, and being enjoyable to her.
The next morning we had our traditional, tear-into-the-presents thing. The only difference was I didn't get a gift for W. I had gotten her a card and asked the kids to sign it. My message was simple: "Merry Christmas". My D5 wrote a note to W, and signed my name (so cute, it was obvious it was written by her). The note read, "Dear W, I am sorree I yelled at you. Mery Krismis. (signed me)". So sweet.
Obviously the arguments we had in the house have affected our D5; She thinks that the reason I am out of the house is because I yelled at W and W is angry with me for it. Anyway I didn't coach D5 to write this, I never even discussed it - writing that apology on my behalf was her own initiative. But obviously D5 wants W to reconcile with me. W noticed this note, but did not comment further on it.
Anyway the entire morning was very enjoyable. W and I looked at each other and smiled often as the kids opened their loot. Just like a family. Just like the old days.
Then it was time for W to take the kids to her father's house. Normally I would go, too. But not this time. Oh well. Before she left, W kissed me on the cheek! First time in maybe 8 weeks! Yahooo! We wished each other a merry christmas. I left, feeling happy for the time we spent together, yet also feeling a little left out.
All in all I felt I made the most of my time with W. We shared a bottle of wine. I got to listen to her. I complimented her looks. We shared lots of joy with our beautiful kids. She gave me a peck on the check. Some good stuff there. I'll take it all!
One day at a time.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
