Well, Whatis made it through Christmas with only one minor meltdown. After opening gifts the kids went upstairs and W was making lunch, Whatis had a 5 of 10 anxiety attack, I suddenly just started to feel so overwhelmed. W asked if I needed to be alone and I said "I think I could use a hug" and we both hugged. All I could think of was "I'm f'ing up Christmas for the kids!" W said she would stay home and not go to my parents if it was too much for me, I said NO because we planned to go as a family and the kids expect it. While we held each other I had tears coming down my cheeks and I said "I know I don't show it, but I do miss you sometimes" Afterwards I asked her how she was doing through all this, her reply was "I am fine, I'm very good at cutting off my feelings" Yup, no truer words were ever spoken! I told her I would be fine, I think just being at what was my home the past two days was a bit overwhelming. So we all went over to my apartment afterwards and from there to my parents for a lovely meal and company. I was fine but OMG, this is so friggin hard! I just put the kids to bed and they told me it was such a great day, I'm glad. I think I might just sit down and have myself a good cry, damn I do deserve it! Btw, W has invited me to our/her friends on New Years Day, she said she didn't invite me to the last get together because she wasn't sure I'd feel comfortable, I said I'd love to see our friends but I'd have to give it some thought. Whew, what a week its been. I know I handle things so well but when that crack in the wall opens up I sometimes feel overwhelmed and just don't know what to do. Coffee Buddy once said "You're such a strong man, maybe a little too strong, remember it's OK to let yourself fall apart sometimes" Smart lady!
