No, to the dial-up. Fortunately we've got DSL. All of the neighborhoods around us have cable, but ours was the first, and I expect the cable company wasn't convinced the population in that area would keep increasing, so they didn't wire here. If they had, I'm sure we would have gotten it, but now that we don't, there are advantages. Our kids don't know all the stuff on the current TV shows! I miss some of the stuff I'd watch to go to sleep to, Discovery and stuff, but not enough to pay for satellite!
Uh, yeah, diet and exercise. Dirty words. That I should do. These olives are good, though.
So, do you know where I put that darned anklet? It is not under the bed, for the first time in, hmmm, since the bed has been where it is, so maybe three years, there is nothing under the bed. Please don't tell me I put it in the closet, because I think it might take archaeologists to find it there!
I had a very up and down day, thanks for asking. This 180 goal of getting through this month without a major blow up or backslide nearly erupted today but I made it. I had a meltdown this morning when H would evaporate and then suddenly appear again, big reminders of is he communicating with ow again? I am sure he saw my tears, then showed me a picture someone had sent him. Good reminder not to jump to conclusions, but my suspicious side figures that pic could have been sent whenever and he was still txting ow. Who knows?
Rest of the day went ok, and finished even better when H actually did something nice for me. Gasp!!!!
Diet and exercise - I dieted all morning and even went for a walk to exercise so I would make sure and be plenty hungry for Christmas Dinner. I still love the traditional stuff, call me old fashioned.
DH, when your thread locks up then it will be my turn to start one so you can threadjack on mine again ok?
F1 is trying to talk serious to you too, so to throw in a serious thought I think there are many people that find the ONLY way to deal with what's on the platter is to smother it with humor. That's not always bad, but there comes a point when life has to be dealt with seriously.
I can't find the ankle bracelet here anywhere. Did you return it to the store?
I know I didn't return it. I actually got it online. The idea came to me, and I jumped before it could get away. I have that feeling I put it somewhere safe. I may never find it! I think it has to be in this room, unless I put it under the tree. But it isn't there, so it has to be here.
I've tried to make sure I get the serious stuff in here. Nothing happens fast in my situation, so it leaves time for the fun. (Also, I kind of think that fun was something I wasn't doing enough, so maybe this is good for that, too.) Just to differentiate, no sex for three years is serious, not fun!
So here's some seriousness...
The realization that I don't even remotely miss her really bothers me. In the past two days I've celebrated the birthday of our youngest, and Christmas without her, and it doesn't even bother me a little bit. I'm close to being able to say I don't even care! So even if she decides at some point in the future (and it really can't be that far, I don't know how much patience is really left) that she wants to be married to me, I'm not sure I can say the same in return. How do I deal with that?
So there's some serious, pal! And, you are a pretty smart one, and have the female point of view, so any thoughts you've got are much appreciated! And jump on my thread anytime! Hey, if you start one know, I'll be more than happy to threadjack it, too. It's not a problem!
We like the traditional dinner too, but we got to the point where the feast at Thanksgiving was enough. So we sort of changed the tradition at Christmas to actually get more family time, and less work, and still get plenty to eat!
The realization that I don't even remotely miss her really bothers me....So even if she decides at some point in the future (and it really can't be that far, I don't know how much patience is really left) that she wants to be married to me, I'm not sure I can say the same in return. How do I deal with that?
Hmmm.
I believe that at some point, probably not today, your goals for your future will become clear to you. And how to reach them will become clear to you. And then it will be clear.
But it can't be forced, and to fear it usually means to avoid/ignore/hide from it. With whatever self medication you choose.
You are right J, it isn't today. Yesterday is really the first time I'd realized this. So, I need to get used to the feeling before I can really know what it means. And hiding from it is probably not a good plan, now that I know it exists. So, I guess I just need to let it be for a little while, before I know what to do with it. I don't like the feeling, but I can sure see why it is there. Really, it might be more surprising if it wasn't, at this time. I guess one way I'm trying to avoid hiding from it is to put it on here. I'm not much of a self mediator, unless being a bit silly at time counts (which I think it might). At least that doesn't usually lead to driving into a tree, or jail time.
I really appreciate your thoughts. These feelings are pretty unexpected, so I need some help in sorting them out. I'm a conflict avoider, and I don't see this resolving without conflict. I wonder if that's part of my problem with them.
So, two younger boys and I have enjoyed our fajitas. Then, biggers call and say they are coming home, and bringing friends, hungry ones. I didn't make enough for that! Fortunately, there is still some crispy pork roast from Sunday night, so they can still devour meat. I'll make the enchiladas tomorrow, since I have the stuff. Nothing is under the bed, except perhaps dust bunnies. The anklet is still MIA, and the room 'looks' worse than it did before. But, I think it is actually closer to done. Now I can hit each area and either find a place for stuff, or, get rid of it. And then things should be much better. And I think that whatever was physically bothering me is quite a bit better, I've got more energy today.
Oh, and perhaps this belongs on the party thread, but the 'big' present to the boys was Guitar Hero 1&2 and 2 guitars. I have taken a stab at it, and can see how one could wasted many hours on it! I like that some of the music is shall we say, of a certain age. And leave it at that!
You are perfectly right. Absolutely correct. Realizing that the feelings are there, and embracing them as your own is such an amazing and beautiful thing.
Feel them, know they are there, appreciate them for what they may be saying, and then endeavor to listen to them at some more appropriate time.
And that time will either come or it won't.
I think you're doing great, knowing that you are a conflict avoider is wonderful. Now finding out how to work with and around that? I have no idea.
I think you're settling in yet, the newness of her being gone hasn't hit you too hard. You've been busy and wrapped up with birthdays and Christmas and there's been no time for living just day to day life. That can get very boring and lonely even with a houseful of other people.
Does W travel or is she gone very often? It's also much different when there is no return date. KWIM?
Pal- I'm sure that's part of it. And yes, no return date would be a completely different thing. But I would have thought that I would at least have the thought of wishing she was here, on Christmas. And, thinking about it, I don't think it is really just about this trip. When I come home, or she comes home, from work, I really don't care if I see her or not. I think I've nearly completely detached emotionally, other than some anger and resentment, and feeling them just makes me want to detach more.
Historically, she hasn't been gone a lot, though probably at least once a year she'll take some subset of kids on a jouney of some sort. I used to miss her, but more recently, like in the past year or two, I'm happier when she isn't here. Which is hard to admit, but it is true. I didn't really realize that until this time, when I actually though about it.
EDIT: Over the years, I have traveled for work in bursts, one for a year and a half or so. But I always got to hear about how things went better at home while I was gone.
I don't know what my fingers were doing, the last paragraph above should say NOT for a year and a half or so. The meaning being a bit different. Mr. Fumblefingers strikes again!
Anyway, I bet I'm also upset that I thought i fit best in forum named 'Seperated'. Even if it is true!
