Today (Yes, on Christmas) I walked H to car after he was here to open present with the kids and told him I had one more present. I got into his car and said, "You know that expression-if you love someone set them free? Well, I'm setting you free. If I can't make you happy and she can then be with her and I will find someone myself. I can't love like this anymore." He stated crying and said that he doesn't feel that it's much of a present. He said that he is more miserable now than when he moved out and he thinks about what he has done everyday. He is not happy and doesn't know what will make him happy.
He said that he realizes now that I was not what has caused his unhappiness-that it is inside of him and he knows he blamed me for everything in the beginning. He said he doesn't know how to speak to me about any of this. The words just don't come out right.
He is not sure what to do or how to feel. He said the girls and I are the most important people in the world to him. And I said, "I don't feel that from you". He was crying during the whole conversation. He said that we have to talk more about this (hasn't wanted to talk for 6 months!!!). And I was getting ready to go to my parents house. I said that he knows where I am and that if he wants to talk he will have to initiate it.
He is suppose to come to spend the day with us tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
You all may think it was cruel to do this on Christmas, but was it ok for him to do any of this to me and my kids every day for the past 6 months? The timing was right as far as I'm concerned.
I'm worried about him tonight-hopefully he went to his sisters to be around other people who love him. I just can't see doing this for years. I'm sure I broke all DB rules! _______________________
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
Mrs. LBW - IMHO I think what you did was extremely courageous. You had to lay it there for yourself. You didn't tell him you wanted D, you just told him that you were letting go. You needed that....I'm impressed. I think I screwed up big time today. The post with my horrible story of the day is here:
Well good for you for setting your boundaries and setting him free. Please be sure to keep posting and let us know how that's working for you. So far so good.
Thanks guys! Boy, I wasn't sure what kind of response I was going to get here.
I was sort of expecting that he would call today/tonight, but I haven't heard from him and i have no desire to call him. It will be interesting to see how he is tomorrow and what he says, it anything.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
It will be interesting to see how he is tomorrow and what he says, it anything.
So, did you say that stuff to him because you mean it, or because you want a reaction?
Be careful Mrs. If you are being honest, and you are sincerely ready to approach this thing from a place where as far as you are concerned the relationship is over, without hope of reconciliation - fine. That's a healthy place to be, and now you just have to get through the business of getting divorced and dealing with custody and child support.
If you don't really mean it, you should reflect on how you are going to deal with H in short to medium term and how those comments might help or hinder your efforts to DB.
Good luck. Happy Christmas.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for your response. You ask an interesting question. I asked myself the same one before I spoke to H.
My answer came to me afterward-with how I felt. I felt good and calm and relieved. In my heart I know that I want him back but I had to break this cycle of not talking about things and status quo. It was not getting us anywhere. (It was a stationary cycle!!)
I was somewhat shocked to see his reaction and to have him actually talk to me about his feelings for the first time in a long time. For him to admit that he realizes now that I am not the reason he is so miserable was huge to me. It shows that he is actually doing some soul searching.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
Well, today is the day after I told him I was setting him free and he cried. He came to spend the day with us to play with all of the kids new things. He showed up at 11:30.He split his time between me and the kids in the house. We had lunch together and he suggested we all go sleigh riding. So we packed up and went. I was not sure it was a good idea because the snow has turned to all ice since it rained the other day. But, I didn't want to cause a fuss. The kids went down the hill a couple of times and then my 7 year old flipped over and slammed her face in the ice and is all scratched up (thankfully that is all). She said she was done and my older one said she was afraid of the ice also and just wanted to play around and not go down on the sled anymore. He had been pleasant all morning up until this point and when I told the kids that that was fine he said that "these kids are never going to get over their fears because you coddle them all of the time!!" I didn't look at him, I just calmly walked away, and the girls went off to play. He followed me soon after and started up an unimportant conversation.
We went back home and I made dinner. I'm pretty sure that "she" was working today, so I was curious if he was going to leave right at 5:00. I asked him if he had any plans for tonight or did he want to stay for dinner. He said he had some work to do at home and didn't want to stay too late. Asked what time dinner was. I said "it is when it is-I have no agenda-if you're still here when it's ready than you can have some." He ate and left right after.
NOT A WORD about yesterday!!! Can you freaking believe it??
His niece called me about something today and I asked how he was when she saw him yesterday (after I had my talk with him and he cried) and she said he was great. He was joking around and playing video games with everyone!!!!!!!
I have no idea what to do next. He was on his cell phone the minute he left here!!! That I DO know.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
You had alot of courage to say what you said to your H. I would like to set my H free, but I'm afraid of the answer he'd give me right now. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to. I always back peddle when I say what I want to say because of his reactions....My H may cry and say the same things but before the talking is over...he's angry and turning everything around on me....
Good luck to you....keep us posted on how things progress! I sincerely hope this works for you!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Hi "NOT A WORD about yesterday!!! Can you freaking believe it??" Unfortunately, I can believe it! Just when you think you have gotten through to them, they recoil. This is actually expected here in MLC land. your H may be so nice to you for days and maybe have some R talks and then BAM...back to being withdrawn. You can read my past posts to get my story but I have been where you are..wanting to call OW, some heart to heart talks with H, postive moments when U thought maybe he was coming around etc...
the long and short of it is this takes time. Take care of you and your daughters. I placed the focus on my and my 2 daughters, did not contact H unless I had to and basically gave him NO time of day.
H filed for D and we went to court for a conversation with the L's...I was business like and had finally realized I could do it on my own..
After all this H came to me and wanted to work it out. I decided I would try and H has been home for 6 months, our M is better, we go to MC and we make each other a priority. One of the things H said when he initially left was that he did not feel important to me.
Try not to guess what he is doing! That drove me crazy for a long time...finally I gave up and began feeling better...that attracted H and he said he always thought about what I was doing!
Hang in there, vent here when you need to! I feel like I am a success story in the works...I DB'd and made my M better for it!
