H never came back from Iraq

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

LT
First are worst. Yes and it sucks being lonely for the holidays. Guess I'm lucky I got used to being alone and Thanksgiving and my Bday was just other days however that did not come the first year I dealt with it.

Honestly once this season passes it does get better. You are in a particularly rough time however steel is refined by heat and pressure and there is a reason (though we may not know that reason yet) why you will need to be that strong.

Real strength is signing on the line to be as strong and brave as a leader tells you to be and you cannot back out when it gets rough. You did and I guess you are still in so you still will. You have it and will develop a perspective few will ever know but they will know you have it and will be inadequate.


You are destined for big things. No one here knows what yet but this is sadly an experience that will harden your backbone for what is to come and when it does you will shine. I do not know specifically what you do but I know you will do more than gather wealth and things like most Americans.

Compared to you most 25 yr old Americans are nothin but a gaggle of fools.

[NikB]

(((Michelle))))

Sorry you're having a rough time. Some of those holiday songs are a real killer - and I imagine you hear a LOT of them with your job right now. I try to tune them out but have teared up a few times.

Hope you find some peace and have some good times over the holidays, in spite of the sad ones.

[MichelleLT]

Thanks for the support. I'm really trying to focus on how lucky I am to have online friends like you guys, wonderful friends from school/work/dancing and great family, including my in-laws. Everyone is trying to be so supportive and I'm really trying to stay positive.

I haven't been sleeping well, so I took a tylenol PM last night. It's probably the first full night of sleep I've gotten in a coupe weeks. I was groggy this am, but it felt so good not to spend half the night thinking about the fact that H is with OW and what they're probably doing.

I slept in the guest bedroom of my in-laws with my SIL last night. It was really nice to see all of them. H's grandmother lives with them and my SIL is home from college. So, saw all of them, exchanged gifts, had breakfast, watched a movie and chatted. It was a bit rough emotionally to not have H there plus to watch how in love my MIL and FIL are makes me horribly jealous. But, they deserve to be happy. I'd just like to be able to make it through more than a day without crying.

Anyways, off to my folk's house to spend the rest of the day. I hope you all are having good holidays!

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Melatomin. Your Spec Ops takes it for Jet Lag on the fights over. Good Stuff. Start with 1mg no more than 4mg. Will be groggy at first prior to first cup of joe first couple of times takin it.

I guess you Soldiers call it Hooyah. so Hooyah good nights Zs.

[MichelleLT]

I guess by default I am in the LRT since he's not speaking to me at all and I don't want to be the first one to try and make contact since he doesn't seem receptive. I just hate it because it feels like doing nothing. I don't feel like I'm working on my marriage at all, I feel like I'm sitting by and watching him move on and just being miserable. I don't feel like I have a lot of options because I told him I would not file for D and that I would not sign for the quick D. I also have never cheated on anyone and would consider it cheating if I was seeing someone since we are still married even though he insists that "we are over" and "we are not getting back together" and somehow in his twisted logic being married isn't a R by itself. So I'm stuck, watching this all happen, feeling very helpless and not feeling like I have any options and not feeling like anything I'm doing is helping since everything keeps spiraling out of control whether I'm nice, whether I tell him how hurt I am, whether I yell or whether I don't talk to him for a month. I hate this all so much!!!

I figured out why I was so depressed yesterday. I keep expecting him to call or e-mail or send me a present. I shouldn't be surprised since I didn't even get a token gift for my birthday 2 1/2 months ago (and barely got a token gift for our anniversary back in July), but since he keeps insisting he doesn't believe in divorce, I keep expecting he'll work on our R then. I mean, if he doesn't believe in D, what other option is there??????? Plus I hate not talking to or seeing him. Even after everything he's done to me, I feel better around him. It feels so right and normal. We haven't talked since the beginning of the month, I miss him so much. At least when we were talking regularly and hanging out as friends I felt like there was a chance.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Honestly do not know what to say outside most of us here have been where you are. Wish you the best.

[FLTC]

Michelle,

Hill is right. Once this time of year passes, it will be a bit easier, althoughti's always a cavern! Like you, I heard "I'll Be Home for Christmas" about 100 times here. AFN (Armed Forces Network) thinks if they play Christmas music it will make eveyone feel at home. It has the exact opposite effect on me. Holidays are awful, but after New Years, it'll get a little easier.

[klm]

You are in limbo right now. Only you can decide how long you are willing to wait. Try not to expect anything from him...you will only be dissappointed. That is part of detaching.

Just because you aren't talking to him doesn't mean that he isn't thinking about you. Things may trigger memories for him too.

[MichelleLT]

Okay, so I guess I got off track last post with my venting. What I really wanted to ask is this - reverse psychology works with H probably 90% of the time. E.g. when I told him I knew he didn't have PTSD and that I'm sure he could handle it was the first time he didn't get defensive and deny it, he actually admitted he showed a few symptoms (even though he insists they are minor and he can handle it).

So, I'm kinda stuck right now with the LRT. I won't file for D so I can't threaten to. But generally he gets stubborn when he gets pushed, so I've been considering pushing him to file. Partially because it is true that this is wearing on me and I wish he'd just file already if H has made up his mind. And partially because I hope instead of him bringing up filing for D and justifying why he's doing it, me pushing him to file will force him to think about why he hasn't filed yet (especially since he keeps insisting periodically that he still does not believe in D).

Thoughts?

On a final note, I think I'm leaving tomorrow for So Cal. My friend wants to do New Year's Eve at Disneyland plus I've got some family down there I can catch up with. So I probably won't be online for a few days.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Consider this Venue a stovepipe. A place to vent. Very few judgemental folks here cause we been there done that and made all the wrong moves ourselves.

If you push him to file be prepared if he does. Understand your confusion on his logic. If he does not believe in Divorce then why is he taking the actions? Sounds like a "I want my cake and eat it too" agenda.

PTSD is a funny thing. Almost everyone who spent time at the wrong end of a weapon gets it for a short time and a few get it longer. Some of my fellow HMs got bad cases and most of us did not and the amount of combat did not seem to matter. It was more of having to be on guard constantly and the fact the bad guys determined when, where, and how much combat was to happen as most conflicts of this type when we used the stragety we did in OIFII.

I cannot tell if my sitch resulted from PTSD or a D forced on me and a choice of retiring my civillian job or move 1000 miles right after my tour was done. Usually things happen all at once like a $h!t sandwich with all the fixins.

With that said I did say goodby to normal lifestyle as in working 5 days, mortgage, wanting a relationship, and suckin up to the boss. I'd rather surf, hike, and have fun. Standard of living means nothin to me outside of funding my kids school.

One can look at that with sympathy and say it's too bad he cannot hold a steady job or label it as Great he's havin a rocking good time. Second label is more fun.

Though I am in the Navy some of the best Manuals I read were Army Pubs on Combat Stress and it's reactions. When I return I'll look up my old note and pass on if you are interested.

I'd would have given my right arm for a supporting spouce upon return but I understand though do not agree with the change in mindset for people with Spouses, kids, and other responsibilities.

Have fun in So Cal. I'm in Oregon currently at my Sister and we definitely disagree on most things so I have to keep my mouth shut.