I can see that I'm not explaining myself very well. I would have to be emotionally detached in order to NOT have and enjoy a "lover". If I was emotionally detached, I would have a "f*ckbuddy". Probably I shouldn't have said "little bit in love" what I meant was more like "in love for a little bit". I have no desire to be a ruthless take-what-I-want-and-leave person.
Fckbddy vs. lover. Headscratch... okay... yeah... I see the dif. But I'd like to add, for the record, that just because you remain emotionally detached does not mean you are ruthless. (It probably can feel like that to the other person, though).
Having a lover involves way more fantasy, yeah.
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However, if I start out dating him thinking that way, it's like I'm thinking about buying a used car((blech)and I can't even look forward to the date. However, if I think of him as a potential lover (and I don't just mean sexual partner I'm pretty big on romance and all sorts of generalized affectionate man-handling these days) then I get a little excited and happy about the prospect. If I focus too much on security issues then I turn myself off.
I get that.
I went onto match.com yesterday, for the heck of it. I don't think I'm ready for that yet...
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I won't throw up a boundary myself until I am certain I care enough and have the strength to maintain it.
I think you might be misunderstanding your own boundaries. For example. One boundary of mine involves manipulation... I won't be manipulated.... however... there are all kinds of levels of manipulation, and deciding if/when someone's manipulation has crossed that line or not is what gets a bit tricky.
Yes, I want someone who is honest (with me and themselves). Being honest is really, really, really hard, and there are times when you don't KNOW that you are just kidding yourself... so... it takes some time and patience to hold the line on this boundary because honesty is so hard. But... intentional lying violates it immediately. (depending on the intentional lie... like someone lying because they are planning a surprise birthday party, or to 'cover up' crap behavior.)
So I would imagine you have more boundaries than you think you do... but, like you, I don't know if you sit the other person down and go through them... because... boundaries aren't about the other person... they are about you.
