I have personally witnessed two people rebuild a marriage successfully after infidelity - my parents. That was done only after some really hard truths were brought out. My Dad confessed personally to me and my brother - I was in college and my brother in High School. My Dad took his lumps from my Mom and each of us children. We did not have the kind of home where we got to speak frankly to my parents- respect for them was HUGE but my Dad was willing to hear us in this situation and it wasn't very easy. I still respect him for that. They never got counseling, they worked through it. They were very successful in finding continued happiness together. After my Mom got cancer and it scared the crap out of both of them they valued one another even more. They recognized that we are on borrowed time with those we love - whether it is due to illness or due to anyone's ability to find another life path or partner at any time. I didn't relate this story to the ICs because I've told this story on this forum before.
I attempted to respond to IC in such a way as to say - yes, your behavior was just as bad as you suspect it was AND you can redeem yourself with HER help. And to Miss IC I attempted to say - it wasn't your fault but being part of the solution will be your responsibility too. I don't think I berated either one. I feel certain that they can get through this. We all have our styles on this board - I have been accused in the past of getting on bandwagons and I have been accused in the past of being too validating. Regardless of styles I don't feel that anyone's comments are meant to hurt anyone else long term. If we weren't some hurting people we wouldn't be here at all - sometimes that hurt shows through. IC and Miss IC must sort through and find what resonates with them.
Yup, flirted with IC by mentioning my favored lingerie colors. I flirt sometimes because it is fun. It was less about flirting though than my fighting the perception that I am some kind of sweet, kind Mrs. Cleaver. People's perception of me as always "nice" is not quite accurate and it is a perception that people have had of me all my life. I have a hot little temper, an evil side, like the darker side of sex and literature and my lingerie preference reflects this. The point? Sometimes in exploring these silly little side notes we find out things that surprise us about each other. Mightn't we find out the same about our loved ones??? Wonder who they flirt with and how they present themselves when they do so?? Wonder what they would say to someone who had an affair?
On this forum I haven't solved my SSM?? Maybe I never will. I sure have learned a lot though. I think the IC's will be ok even if they get some over passionate responses. I am just glad that there are people willing to join in the quest -however imperfectly.
