Well, our family celebrated Christmas last evening in the typical "modern" way. Two of my children were out of state with Dad. Various combinations of our adult foster children and their significant others and/or biological children and children came to share food, gifts etc.... H and I busied ourselves with host responsibilities and care of the smallest children.
All this came after I worked 1/2 day and H took DD3 to the doctor for a strep test. In the end product I wasn't even in the same room to see if H liked the gifts I selected for him and he barely acknowledged the lovely and expensive leather jacket from my parents ( H is a terrible gift receiver, very uncomfortable about it). On top of that H never asked whether I liked what he had picked out for me. I know he had help in choosing so I assume he cared.
DD3 was wildly thrilled with everything. She received far less than is typical in these modern times because I want her to appreciate things (I was shocked to find out what my daycare provider spends on her kids for Christmas, we are pretty frugal on the per person cost but we buy for a lot of people so we still spend a lot). Baby (now almost 8 months) crawled around enjoying the event (mostly the paper and boxes), he attempted to eat a glass ball from the tree and thankfully did not get cut but he did successfully consume many a dust bunny, piece of sweater fuzz or crumb off the floor.
During the whole hilarity and chaos H never kissed me, never wished me Merry Christmas (until I did him), never caressed me. OK - those of you who think it is all about reciprocity - NO. I DID NOT INITIATE A KISS OR CARESS EITHER. That my friends is a cheeseless tunnel in this marriage. I can do all the touchy feely stuff I want and most of the time I get a mildly positive response back, sometimes a mildly irritated one. Overall, I get a look like "Oh, are you still here?" I think when I embark on some kind of misguided attempt to show my feelings he thinks inside, "Oh geez - I thought I had trained her out of that kind of bs. I thought we had an understanding here - I can live in my bubble and she can live in hers."
I know that for the last year I have complained, cried, whined etc on this forum. I know that I have failed to take any action and that inaction is, in itself, an action. I am tired and I am busy and I cannot any longer be bothered to prod the roadkill that is my marriage. If it is dead it is dead.
I DO believe in miracles though. I DO believe that my dead marriage can be resurrected. The thing is, I don't know how. Stigmata suggested something on another forum that I shall have to find and consider. Maybe I will somehow find the strength to scrape that less than appetizing thing from the roadway and try again. Maybe, I'll just pretend I'm a nun and that this is a form of the monastic life. Maybe I will buy Michelle's new book if only to see how she utilized our musings.
If I sound miserable, I'm not. My children are beautiful, happy and healthy. My parents, friends, brother and children love me. After a fashion, my H does too. My work is important and fulfilling. I am not dead or ill like several of my friends and acquaintances this year. The Christmas trees are lovely, the music divine. God knows me and I know Him. Spring comes after winter reliably and I am looking forward to it.
