Why I am the Way I Am

[MJontheMend]

Dont you worry about STDs? I do. (Rubbers... only give me so much in terms of 'sense of security.') And because of that, I think I tend to stick to one person at a time. Tho quite honestly... that doesn't really do a girl much good if the person you are dating is out there with his dip stick is various cans of oil, and on top of it, not protecting himself, and therefore, not protecting me. So I MAY AS WELL be out there, doing my own thing, picking my own people, having my own fun.

I have the ability to be emotionally detached enough to have and enjoy a lover (or maybe two or three). To be, as you say, a little bit in love and a bit more in lust. Actually, I'm probably better suited to that than a LTR.

I can see that I'm not explaining myself very well. I would have to be emotionally detached in order to NOT have and enjoy a "lover". If I was emotionally detached, I would have a "f*ckbuddy". Probably I shouldn't have said "little bit in love" what I meant was more like "in love for a little bit". I have no desire to be a ruthless take-what-I-want-and-leave person. Although, I could paraphrase BF and state quite appropriately that I shouldn't be overly concerned with caring for the puppy dogs of grown*zz men.

Let me see if I can do a better job explaining. I am probably going out with a guy next week who seems perfectly nice and normal. Somebody who would seemingly make a perfectly respectable BF/LTR partner. However, if I start out dating him thinking that way, it's like I'm thinking about buying a used car((blech)and I can't even look forward to the date. However, if I think of him as a potential lover (and I don't just mean sexual partner I'm pretty big on romance and all sorts of generalized affectionate man-handling these days) then I get a little excited and happy about the prospect. If I focus too much on security issues then I turn myself off.

That makes it sound like I'm looking for somebody who is perfect. I'm not. I'm looking for honesty... and I'll be damed wondering why that is so flipping hard to find. \:\)

Well, the simple answer is that people have a hard time even being honest with themselves. I think setting boundaries in a relationship shows that you care so sometimes you need to ask yourself if you honestly care before you set a boundary or you risk being emotionally dishonest. I am free to decide for myself the extent to which I wish to be either monogamous or committed or available in certain ways in a relationship until/unless a man throws up a boundary but I won't throw up a boundary myself until I am certain I care enough and have the strength to maintain it.