Well, today is Christmas eve and I'd like to leave everyone with a quote which touches my heart today: "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow" Today I am grateful for all that I have, and I have so much! I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day with my family. How many in my sitch have the joy of spending this time the way I will. How many will be sitting in their homes waiting for their turn to see the kids Christmas day! I will make these two days as joyful and loving as I can make them. My W will be what she is, but I will choose my path for myself. I wish you all the best in this holiday season, please join me in counting the blessings and letting go, even just for a few days! Merry Xmas.
Same to you, AT & AT! I have just returned from dinner at my W's place, she made a feast and all from scratch, I can't remember the last time she cooked like that! It was a nice evening. In the afternoon we all worked to build a gingerbread house and after dinner made sugar cookies. I haven't seen the kids this happy in awhile. W was actually a pleasure to be around, not one angry, snarky, sarcastic comment launched at anyone, another thing I havent' seen in a long while! I was a guest and let her run the show, I stopped myself a couple of times. When she asked for my opinion I gave it but otherwise kept my thoughts to myself. She seemed really pleased with the evening, she actually took pictures of her dinner! I also noticed that the wedding rings have been removed since Wednesday night, I guess my hanging out with Coffee Buddy that night rather than with her had some impact. So tomorrow is Christmas and I am heading over to her house early to watch the kids open their stockings and then presents, after which we will all head to my parents place for the day. Again, there is alot to be thankful for here and I do recognize it. Merry Christmas Dbers!
Hey, did I mention that tonight was also our 17th wedding anniversary? At least I didn't have to try and find a restaurant that was open tonight, bonus,eh!!!!!
Wii: Man, I feel for ya' brother. Is it really her house? I love that. If you're like me, the house was paid for by you, but you feel like an awkward starnger in it. My W. actually got mad at me one day last year when I went there to cook dinner for the kids. I did that every Tuesday and Thursday. I ran and she caught me coming out of the shower in the house I paid for, and came completely uncorked, as she would when I brought laundry there. "I didn't budget for YOU to shower and do laundry here". Uncle. Chu Hoi!!!! Don't shoot!!! The milk of human kindness. Your W. sounds a lot like that. Sarcasm, undifferentiated anger, NOTHING is right...ever. You could be bleeding to death on the floor, and she'd get pis*ed because it was dirty. My W. never got over the anger or the needing to always take charge, even though she wanted me to. Of course when I did, you know exactly what happened...Nothing was right! merry Christmas. I'm with you and your kids in spirit.
Merry Christmas, Wii! Hope your day is going well. We've just finished brunch, and I am taking a break before starting Christmas dinner.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Well, Whatis made it through Christmas with only one minor meltdown. After opening gifts the kids went upstairs and W was making lunch, Whatis had a 5 of 10 anxiety attack, I suddenly just started to feel so overwhelmed. W asked if I needed to be alone and I said "I think I could use a hug" and we both hugged. All I could think of was "I'm f'ing up Christmas for the kids!" W said she would stay home and not go to my parents if it was too much for me, I said NO because we planned to go as a family and the kids expect it. While we held each other I had tears coming down my cheeks and I said "I know I don't show it, but I do miss you sometimes" Afterwards I asked her how she was doing through all this, her reply was "I am fine, I'm very good at cutting off my feelings" Yup, no truer words were ever spoken! I told her I would be fine, I think just being at what was my home the past two days was a bit overwhelming. So we all went over to my apartment afterwards and from there to my parents for a lovely meal and company. I was fine but OMG, this is so friggin hard! I just put the kids to bed and they told me it was such a great day, I'm glad. I think I might just sit down and have myself a good cry, damn I do deserve it! Btw, W has invited me to our/her friends on New Years Day, she said she didn't invite me to the last get together because she wasn't sure I'd feel comfortable, I said I'd love to see our friends but I'd have to give it some thought. Whew, what a week its been. I know I handle things so well but when that crack in the wall opens up I sometimes feel overwhelmed and just don't know what to do. Coffee Buddy once said "You're such a strong man, maybe a little too strong, remember it's OK to let yourself fall apart sometimes" Smart lady!
I've been there. It's amzing how their eyes roll back in their heads and they become as cold-blooded as a shark. I just don't understand how they can do this while we look at what the future holds for our families. I just don't understand why they don't have the same anxiety as we do. I guess they have already "processed that" as my WAW says. I cannot even look at pictures of my kids from when they were babies. It just kills me. Don't show any more weakness, though, and crying is a weakness at this point. It is hard. "I'm good at cutting off my feelings"...oh man.... New Years' Day will be another awkward one for you. I know because I was there last year. I think I told you this. W. took me to the airport on my way to Ft. Bragg, NC and on to Iraq. Kids were a mess. S8 and D15 were surgically attached to me. I had tears in my eyes. Not so much as a "take care of yourself", "be careful", "stay away from the blast radius"...nada..... They are just like sharks.
Oh yeah, cold as sharks! My w is a pro at shutting down feelings and just carrying on through any storm. While I do pretty damn good at carrying on, I at least allow myself some leeway and can actually allow myself to feel something once in a while. I know she is the cause of my hurt and it's pretty unfair to expect nurturing from her, but damn it, I needed a hug from someone, someone who I've spent 17 years of my life with! I think it may be OK to show some feeling in this sitch, just maybe once in a while, cuz that way she actually has to face a little piece of what she has done to her family and the man who has been loyal and loving for all those years. My W said yesterday, and you'll love this FLTC, "I just want us to stay family" Whew, how about working on the M then, or giving up your OP...sure, I know, that's water under the bridge but it sure is maddening when they claim to care so much for "family" yet destroy it through their actions. Now it's like I'm the one who will be responsible if I can't hack these joint family occassions any longer! Anyway, I got a good nights sleep last night and today it's me and the kids. I'm gonna try to just turn my mind off and enjoy the day. Last night when I put the kids to bed I said i was tired, it had been a long couple of days and D13 says "I think it's been a great couple of days!" yes, it makes it worthwhile to know you brought a great Christmas to two amazing girls who deserve exactly what they got. To hear that from D13 makes it worth the emotional upheaval. Now, I must look after me.
