Thanks for your good wishes, Miss IC. I hope next year finds us all healthier (emotionally and physically), happier, and wiser than we are now.
I joined this board in September 2004, distressed because of the lack of sex in my R with my BF. We had already been together two years-- horrendous years... (and I'll wonder til the day I die why I stuck around... I even wondered it at the time), and in 9/04 he had already been sober for four months. We've been to three couples counselors, and I've been to four other therapists, counselors on my own. We've attended a couple of workshops. Things are better in his life than they were when we started, but basically, things are no better in our R. The last time we had sex was January 8, 2007. He's under a lot of stress these days, granted, but we can hardly get through a phone call without his flying off into his stern, sarcastic, put-down tone. Even though I've been Jewish for 11 years, it still makes me sad to think of spending Christmas Eve alone... but that's what I'll be doing. He'll be at his mom's apartment. I understand his need to be with her (although I think it is a BIT excessive, since she won't have another chemo for six weeks), but I wish he would at least express a desire to be with me or regret that we're not going to be together. He could have invited me to sleep at the apartment (I said last week that that's what I would like to do), but I think his mom wants him all to herself. The last couple of times I've been over there, she has treated me very much like an outsider.
I need to take my own g.d. advice: when people tell you who they are, believe them! He is telling me every day who he is, where I fit into his life, what he thinks of me, whether he is attracted to me (not). GET A CLUE, LIL!?!?
So.... will I eventually be able to find a normal, stable, sex-loving, love-loving man? Have I gotten what I needed to get from this R??? I'm not getting any younger.
Merry Christmas to all my Christmas-celebrating friends. If anyone else is alone on Christmas Eve, jump on this thread! We can sing songs and tell stories!
xoxo
P.S. Got the cast off today, and only two weeks until I can put weight on it. Best thing: I can get it wet! Can take a shower without a plastic bag on my leg-- yippee! I'm not sorry the leg thing happened. It has clarified things for me.
Merry Christmas to all my Christmas-celebrating friends. If anyone else is alone on Christmas Eve, jump on this thread! We can sing songs and tell stories!
Christmas carols, of course! If I howl, I can get my two dogs to join in!
My niece sent me a box of chocolates AND when I bought my new car the other day, the sales manager ALSO gave me a box of chocolates. I've got the wood piled up on the hearth ready to stack in the fireplace and light. I'm surrounded by sleeping cats. Tonight when I go to bed (alone ), my leg will be BARE--- NO CAST!! Yay!
Things are not so bad.
ETA: One of my VERY FAVORITE Christmas movies is on TCM tonight.. The Bishop's Wife, with Cary Grant, Loretta Young, and David Niven. Cary Grant plays an angel. (It was remade as The Preacher's Wife with Denzel Washington, but I understand the original was better.) If you have never seen it, it's wonderful!
Santa just flew over our house as he does every year, with his two raindeer and sleigh, (local helicopter co). It really gets the kids (even 60 yr olds) excited!
I don't sing well but will be thinking of everyone on the forum. You might be alone or lonely, but Merry Christmas to my cyber friends.
Last night, sleeping with a BARE LEG was such a treat!! Sometimes when the cast was on my leg, I'd feel it with my other foot in the middle of the night and not know what the heck it was-- it would actually scare me! What's that big hard thing in my bed!! LOL!! Okay, okay... settle down.
Today bf was planning on bringing his mom down to the little cabin next door and the three of us having a meal there today. (It was her idea-- she does need to see the property she bought.) The area is so rustic, I don't know if I can navigate. I haven't actually been in the cabin. It's just a garage, really. It has electricity and water but no furniture. The people built it to live in while they built the rest of the house, and then they had to leave suddenly. At least *I'll* have a place to sit. I really can't see hanging around there all day.
Would any mothers of grown sons on this board give me some insight into whether I'm overreacting to bf spending every minute with her to the exclusion of me completely? (Also men who are close to their moms.) Since I'm not a mother and have always had a troubled R with my parents, I cannot relate to this at all. I DID want to spend every minute with my H when he was hospitalized, etc., but he was my HUSBAND. And when he was not in the hospital, I wanted some time to myself, friends, etc.
I'm feeling good overall about the prospect of being "just friends" and dropping the boyfriend-girlfriend rope. Very liberating!!
give me some insight into whether I'm overreacting to bf spending every minute with her to the exclusion of me completely? (Also men who are close to their moms.)
My friend that is the younger brother, spent almost all of his time with his mother. He was never M but had a few GF’s. Most left him because he couldn’t commit. Another GF was hung up on her X and that R didn’t work.
BB and I think he is odd, that he spent so much time with his mother and her friends. He is a nice guy but just not into women or really that much into what others are doing. He is good at being almost anyone’s friend for short periods of time. Everyone likes him.
He purposely relates to people on their level. He tells me people are basically more interested in what they do/think so he approaches people based on what interests them and expects the OP not to be all that interested in what he has to say.
My opinion is the guy likes what he likes, has rigid beliefs past a superficial relationship and becomes stressed out when things don’t match what he believes if he was in a LTR with someone.
I was close to my mother but broke away. For me the sense of obligation and knowing my mother would have a difficult time w/o me doing things for her, was something that was difficult for me to overcome.
In a way, I have similar feelings about my R with BB, responsibility is a primary factor in why I do or don’t do things I like or dislike. There is what I want to do and things I think I need to do. The “need” (obligation) wins most of the time.
Back to my mother. When another person came into her life, (man friend) then I let go. That particular R didn’t work out for her but the next one did. That is when I really felt relief form my feeling of obligation or responsibility.
All this took longer than it is common for young adults but I did it and put almost all of my energies into our M.
Your BF’s mother seems independent financially, mine was barely able to pay rent and was in debt, so I don’t know why he hangs on except he is financially dependent on his mother.
I wonder what BF do and how he will behave when his mother dies? Will he channel his current energies into his girls or feel free to do something for himself?
I wonder if BF had a good paying job, would he be more independent from his mother? What I am saying is lack of money the problem or is he overly attached ( for lack of a better term) emotionally to his mother?
Also maybe he thinks he is protecting his mother personally and financially by looking out for her and her money? That is a long shot though.
Your BF’s mother seems independent financially, mine was barely able to pay rent and was in debt, so I don’t know why he hangs on except he is financially dependent on his mother.
I wonder what BF do and how he will behave when his mother dies? Will he channel his current energies into his girls or feel free to do something for himself?
I wonder if BF had a good paying job, would he be more independent from his mother?
Good questions, Lou. It's not just that he is financially dependent... I mean, in plenty of wealthy families, the grown children count on their parents' money and don't really have to look for work. Does that create "dependence"? I don't know. The thing is, she has this business-- the bar-- that she has been barely in control of for the last 10 years or so. She's lost lots of money through bad management and employee theft, and the whole thing needs to be tightened up. He's working on that, and it needed to be done if they were to keep the business. It makes plenty of money, even with all the poor management.
I wonder what will happen when she dies. I just can't picture it. There's a lot of stuff going on there that I have no frame of reference for. She has always accepted him, no matter what, been generous with him, always been there for him. My parents were not that way. Is his closeness to her normal filial devotion? is he trying to make up for flunking out of college and getting into drinking and drugs? or does he just love her more than anything else in the world?
Not that one would ever make him "choose," but it would be interesting to see a situation where his mother tried to turn him against his daughters... whom would he choose? Sounds like the plot of a story... may have to think about that.
I called my phone psychic a couple of weeks ago (remember her?) and she told me that I should give this another year and see what happens. (She also told me that if I backed off, there would be someone else for me, initials "KG.") She said the cancer would take her (I didn't ask how soon.) She said 2008 would be a great year for me. It's really interesting how the first ten times I called her (beginning in 2002) she told me to dump him and run for the hills, but the last two times, she has told me to give him another chance. And, Lou, NO I don't take her advice to heart... it's just interesting to see what she has to say. I think she's very very good.
Bf just arrived at the cabin with his mom. I drove over with the dogs to bring him some stuff and in the short time I was there, he already gave me that "what rock did you crawl out from under" reaction to something I said. Weird. I'm back at my house. He said he'd call me when it was time to eat.
I wonder what will happen when she dies. Me too! I suppose he could be married to the bar work. Or be emotionally divided between having a bar and doing his AA work. He might get to realize he has lots of free time and will miss you.
An off shoot, How does one run a bar and go to AA? I have some reservations about repairing printers at bars and casinos. Must be that old Southern Baptist (SB) training I had. I also see where the SB's were wrong and disagree with them.
Then again his property could be his new interest. I guess time will tell.
I drove over with the dogs to bring him some stuff and in the short time I was there, he already gave me that "what rock did you crawl out from under" reaction to something I said. Weird
Really? You were treated like you crewed out from under a rock? ((((Lil))))
No nonsense Lou asks, how much was you thinking this R is over romantically?
Two/three things come to mind. 1. BF's is taking care of mother,(look, see what a good boy I turned out to be. or Mom doesn't have long and I want to make her happy, or something else) for what ever reason. 2. Being neighbors is too close to feeling like he is advancing the R to be semi more concrete/long lasting form, but he doesn't want to go there, so he acts cool toward you. 3. Maybe he thinks “Good fences make good neighbors.”
I mean, in plenty of wealthy families, the grown children count on their parents' money and don't really have to look for work. Yea I "HEARD ABOUT" people like that. All I ever saw were people that worked even if the parents had $$$.
Does that create "dependence"? I don't know. It does if the receiver knows and respects where the butter $$$ comes from.
For the anarchist, or "I will show her" it doesn't.
Is his closeness to her normal filial devotion? In Confucian thought, filial piety (Chinese: 孝; pinyin: Xiào) is one of the virtues to be cultivated: a love and respect for one's parents and ancestors. What have any of the C you two saw said about the subject? I do think there is parental love there.
Lil, when I worked in the group-home, the boys had a difficult time asking for some things and for other things took or expected almost everyone to give what they wanted, to them w/o even so much as a thank you. Can bf ask for what he wants and accept it w/o felling shame/weird/like he is imposing? ( that is with you)?
About choosing between his mother or his girls, the girls win in my books. No question!
(She also told me that if I backed off, there would be someone else for me, initials "KG.") Aw shucks. But I would have been surprised/flustered it the initials were OG. JK! I sometimes wonder about enlightened advisors but quickly go back to my "prove it" line of thinking. Hi Chrom!
We are going to a friends for dinner, she takes in strays. No, she is someone with a big heart from church.
He said he'd call me when it was time to eat. Well, you did get invited back. I hope that goes well. Maybe he isn't a multi tasker and had to concentrate on making the meal and cant host and cook at the same time.
This whole ankle thing has been a real gift. It has forced me to focus on myself, to literally "watch my [every] step," to look at every physical situation before I go in to make sure I can get out, to ask for help from people and accept it graciously, to do everything carefully: shower, stand, turn, transfer. And I'm doing a really good job of taking care of myself! Bf has not been available, and so I've done for myself, and I feel pretty accomplished.
And bought a new car, too!
All this and an order of fries-- not too shabby.
I registered for the spring semester at the community college where I've been going since the fall of 2001. Taking choir and an Adobe Illustrator class. The teacher of the Illustrator class is brilliant! He substituted one night last semester when our regular teacher was absent, and I learned more from him in one class than I had in the previous several weeks. The down side is that the class is from 8-10 AM MWF... 8:00 AM!?!? For you upright, law-abiding working folk that may not seem outrageous, but for this freelancer... well, I usually don't even open my eyes until 8:30 AM. This will take some getting used to! It's worth it-- this guy is so good!
After dinner at the cabin yesterday, bf and mom came over to my house. Bf lit the fireplace and we hung around for about an hour, then they upped and went home. Today he and I have talked on the phone a few times, cordial and friendly. If we keep it at the friend level, we do fine. If I expect more, it gets yukky. Right now I will have NO problem keeping it just friendly.
Question for the peanut gallery: should I have a "talk" with him and tell him that I want to consider us friends and recognize the fact that we are not lovers and thus not boyfriend/girlfriend? Or should I just follow his lead of being less available to me and keep it light when we talk on the phone, so that we sort of drift apart?
), my leg will be BARE--- NO CAST!! Yay! 
JK!