Have I waited too long?

[cat11]

Okay, I've been reading and thinking alot the last couple of days. Here's what I need...advice on the conversation we need to have when he gets back. The problem is this is not the first crisis we've had. As I mentioned things came to a head before after I found out he was seeing someone while we were living together. I don't know, maybe I didn't honestly believe he would leave me, or maybe I just didn't have the tools to really work on what I needed to. At any rate, the changes in my drive and behavior didn't last. I know he has so much resentment built up now. He feels like he's wasted many years of his life. He has had to deal with health problems related to anxiety and stress..panic attacks, serious sleep problems, etc. He now believes, and probably rightly so that our marriage problem (i.e. my problem) is at fault. I'm really very afraid he may have emotionally checked out of this relationship.

I honestly believe for the first time ever that I have the means to make a positive permanent change in myself and our relationship. How do I convey that to him? Some of you who have been through this on my H's end...what did you or would you need to hear to really believe it was worth sticking with the relationship for just a while longer? As the topic of my post states, I'm so afraid that so much time has gone by with too many false promises on my part. If he has closed himself off, can I open him back up to maybe begin trusting in me again? I do not believe that he'll come back after Christmas ready to move out. If for no other reason than he has no place to go and finances are such that a second residence really isn't feasible. But just because he's here doesn't necessarily mean he's open to giving me another chance. Since he dropped the LYBNILWY bomb a month ago I have approached him. One time he was willing but unable to "finish", the other was a surprise offer of oral with some hot and cold tricks a friend told me about. He flat turned me down and said he was too busy on the computer. I guess you see now why I have the fear that I've let too much time go by and my constant rejection of him (before he stopped asking) has taken its toll. I've read posts here on that happening with the HD spouse, but mostly it's from the HD spouses point of view. This is coming from the heart of a LD wife who wants desparately to get back on track. I would dearly love to hear from some HD spouses who were in this situation, or LD, who managed to turn things around.

I know you're all busy with your Christmas stuff, but I sure would love to hear from someone with some guidelines on how this conversation should go. Anxiously checked the mail box tonight after work, but no SSM book yet. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Even if I don't hear from anyone, I want you to know how comforting it has been reading your posts...you've given me alot of hope and some things to work with and on.
Merry Christmas
Cat