NikB's latest update (#23)

[forever21]

Hi NikB,

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. I see why things are feeling so weird for you right now. The focus you are putting elsewhere in your life seems to be what is and has been working for you. I like the plans you made/kept for your Christmas brunch. Good for you for!!! I'm glad you got a tree up and all too. Have a great weekend.

(((((NikB)))))

Love, f21

[Reincarnated]

Nikki--
Its been next to forever since I dropped in, and I just wanted to catch up. You seem to be doing well, all things considered. Who thought it could ever be this hard? I am so glad that you are doing things for you, though.

My house is 90% decorated (just have some ornaments to put up--its been a bit emotional and I think I am avoiding it). The house smells really good! And we added some new things, like S's lionel train in the living room next to the tree--it looks great :0)

Hope you have a good weekend leading up to the festivities!

--Donna

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sorry to hear it's so weird. sounds like your doing well despite it. and who knows, maybe your H said that about you not coming to his moms because he figures you wouldn't want to go. maybe it wasn't the fact that he doesn't want you to go. ? who knows why, I wouldn't take it bad though. It does seem odd that his attitude changes when talking about his family. I would look at the better side, that when he's talking about you, or with you, he's in a better mood. like about your present.

speaking of presents.... I don't think your this type of person (I am/was).. but make sure not to give any critism to his gift. like saying, wow, that is cool... I wish it had such and such on it. I use to do that, and now realize that it made H feel bad and that he couldn't do enough for me. But I don't perceive you as that type of person, you always seem to have such great things to say about everything. like your vacations and things.

[NikB]

Thanks all for checking in!

((((f21))))
Yeah... definitely weird! Trying to just roll with it but it's tough at times. Focusing on other things works very well for me, though. Thank you for the reminder.

Brunch should be fun! Finally feeling caught up for the most part, so I'm really happy about that.

Donna
Thank you!! I do read your thread all the time but should post more too. You seem to be doing great, also! I know, it's sure harder than you could ever imagine.

I know what you mean on the emotional stuff. Kind of funny actually.. last year when I put the ornaments away I packed mine and H's separately. It was hard, but I thought it would be even harder to have to split stuff up later.. it was a "just in case" thing. I sure never thought we'd still be in limbo again THIS year, but it worked out well for the tree. I put all my stuff up, didn't have to face his ornaments at all. A little sad he chose not to put his up, but oh well.

The train sounds very cool!!

ST
Thanks!! I am doing pretty OK even with the weirdness.. surprising myself. I do get waves of sadness once in awhile but it's not all consuming like it has been at times before.

The thing with his mom's... yeah, he did figure I wouldn't want to go - but it was also quite clear that I wasn't invited. Like, if I pushed the issue they'd "let" me be there, but I wasn't invited. It's hard to explain - one of those tone/expression things that doesn't translate well on the boards. Anyway.. don't want to be where I'm not wanted or treated well and once I realized THAT it made it easier.

Yeah, definitely glad his mood's good when talking to/about me! Sure better than the other way around.

Thanks for the reminder on the gift thing. I'm not that way but my dad is - so I know exactly how it feels!! I have always been really conscious of it after seeing my mom, especially, crushed over and over again by my dad responding to gifts.

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So some journaling...

Dinner last night was pretty good. Awkward but not as bad as I thought it might be. Tough watching my dad stare at my stepmom with that "lost puppydog" look on his face, but he's doing it less than he used to. I was impressed with how well stepmom handled everything - I know that had to be VERY hard on her but she did great and seemed to have fun. We had a nice dinner out then went back to dad's house and exchanged gifts, played a game.. it was fun! I think everyone genuinely had a good time.

I got home kinda late and H's truck was gone. It was weird though because there was food out, wrapping stuff out, lights on, rented movie playing.. it looked like he had either just run out to get something quickly, or he left in a major hurry. When he was in "eff you" mode awhile back this was normal - but he hasn't been this way in a few months. Been telling me when/where he's going, when he'll be home, etc... so it wasn't "normal" or at least "normal lately." I waited a couple hours and still no H so I called his cell, no answer. I was torn between worrying about him, being pissed that "teenybopper" may be back, and trying not to care at all.

So.. I finished up some gifts (making some of these "meal in a jar" soup things where you layer the ingredients in a jar - I like giving something kinda "homey" like that). Watched some TV... tried not to stress.. didn't work.. sent some emails. Tried to sleep but couldn't, so I just kept myself busy instead.

H finally called at 3:30 and was home around 4. Said sorry he worried me but I "shouldn't worry" (in that "I'm worthless and no one should worry about me" tone). uuuugh. He had gone to a buddy's house to play poker. Had a plausible reason for leaving the house the way it was - he wanted it to look like he was just running out real quick so the dog wouldn't freak out and start chewing things up (normally if we're gone for awhile we lock her in one room, for whatever reason she doesn't chew stuff up that way). But no note, no message, no answering the phone.. those are the "defiant teenager" things. I guess I got spoiled with him being out of this mode for awhile now. I tried not to over-react because I know that'll just make it worse.

I got to sleep by 5... slept in some but still pretty tired. Today? H is very sweet, attentive, made me my morning tea... even making some plans with me for a couple of weeks from now (WOW, that is huge... to commit to anything that's more than a day in advance). Trying to make it a good Sunday in spite of being verrry tired!

On the good side - although I did get worried and got no sleep I am actually proud of how I handled things. I didn't get OVERLY freaked out, start calling his friends (or hospitals, or police stations..). In the past I might well have gotten myself into a complete panic, and/or made it all about me - he's doing this to hurt me, that kinda thing. Instead I was able to keep myself mostly distracted, realize that it's not about me, etc. My one (and only) voicemail to him was calm - just said "Hey it's kinda late and the house looks like you left in a hurry. I thought you said you'd be at home tonight so wanted to make sure you're ok." When he finally did call back I didn't freak out either - did let him know that it worried me but he apologized and I left it alone. We even talked some about my dinner w/my family, how was his poker game, he told me how his buddies are doing, etc. All easily verifiable stuff if I was so inclined.

So, feeling good overall about that.. I think yes, of course I still care, but I was relatively detached since I didn't get totally worked up last night and not dwelling on it today. I sure hope this was a relatively isolated incident and "teenybopper H" isn't back for long, though.

Yaaawwwwnnn.. going to make it a great day!! Ok, ok, a good day... great may be a little ambitious with the amount of sleep I got.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

that sounds really positive. positive in regards to YOU.

Let's just look at a scenerio if you HAD acted upset and freaked. If you had actually reached him and gotten upset, made it about you, do you think he would have come home? or even been so nice the next morning?
If you hadn't reached him and he came home at 3:30 and your all upset crying and freaking out, then he would have got defensive, and thought... oh great, here we go again, I can't do anything. blah blah blah.

But instead, you were calm, not upset and blaming, but just a nice genuine worry that wasn't obsessive. He was able to apologize and not get defensive, and the whole thing is past and he is being more pleasant.

True, I don't think that if you guys were in a "real" M that his action was okay, because that's definitely not something a M person whould do... very inconsiderate. But I'm kinda thinking that he probably won't be doing this again too soon.

So glad your whole family had a good time for Christmas at your dads. wish he would let go more, but at least it sounds like he's doing a wee bit better.


what about your sis? I doubt that your mil stayed the night, so how did she do when mil left?

[NikB]

Thanks ST! I agree, I think I handled it pretty well overall. I hope you're right about not doing this again soon, we shall see.

My sis actually did pretty well. She knew stepmom wasn't staying Sat night.. she's pushing for her to stay tonight "for Santa" though. She's going with stepmom up to her family's for Christmas Eve and then will be back at my dad's - I imagine that's when she'll probably get pretty upset. Hopefully she'll do ok, though. She's tough to "read" because she hides her emotions quite a bit.
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Had a pretty good day yesterday and night last night. Did some last minute shopping, saw my mom, bro, and SIL for a bit, and H and I did our traditonal "Sunday dinner" together.

One kind of awkward moment that I realize I brought on myself - but it had an interesting response. I didn't get any major gifts for any of H's family, but I wanted to give MIL and SIL at least something small. I was thinking along the lines of even though they're both kinda being jerks right now they are still family, and looking at the past they've always been good to me. So.. I wrapped up some of those "soup in a jar" things that I made, and gave them to H to take tonight along with his gifts to them. He got kinda quiet, got that "dark" look on his face, and stared at the floor. Crap. Realized right then I shouldn't have 'gone there' but I wasn't sure what to do.

I said "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be a big deal. Should I not give them anything? I hoped these would be OK since it's just a small thing." He kinda fidgeted and hemmed and hawed.. then said "I'm sorry they are being so stupid." And repeated a couple more times "They're just being really stupid right now." Kinda interesting.

[NikB]

I nearly forgot - Merry Christmas!! For those who celebrate it.

And Happy [whatever you celebrate] for the rest!

[Trixi]

That sounds *exactly* like something my H would say about his parents. Well, in fact, he did say they were petty and judgemental and he was ashamed of their behavior. If I had gotten them a gift for Christmas, I can almost guarantee the reaction from my H would have been the same.

I see you dropped by my thread and said that SPM's 2x4s helped you--can you elaborate?

OH-and Merry Christmas!!

[NikB]

Thanks Trixi!! Wow that's interesting your H would say that too. Mine normally wouldn't in a million years - he's very much the devoted, respectful son and will rarely say anything negative AT ALL about either of his parents. That's why it surprised me so much I think.

SPM's 2x4s helped in that it clarified some things for me I guess you could say. What DO I have? Well, I like the companionship, the snuggles, heck this time of year the warm body in bed.. .. and there are many things I do love very much about my H. But there IS so much more to a really good R, what we have now is not enough. I still think we could MAKE this a great M, but it isn't right now. I need to keep reminding myself of that.. it seems to me that I get to where I am getting the bare minimum from H and I allow it to be enough (and right now I'm not even getting the bare minimum, but as many have reminded me, my actions show that I AM getting enough because I am accepting it). I knew/know all this, SPM's post just got me thinking about it more.

I am giving myself permission to coast for another week and just get through the holidays as best I can without any big shakeups, but in January it will be time for me to take action to make my life better. What? Dunno yet.. maybe finally move into my lovely room.

[NikB]

Aww. H just told me he's going to stay as little time as possible at MIL's and that he wants to take me out to the movies tonight. (yes, planning to go)