I am so very sorry for your situation. We are all in the same boat and the holidays make it especially hard. My suggestion to you is this- don't let her off the hook. Do whatever you need to do to make this liveable and easy for you. You are hurting enough. She wanted the D and so she needs to accept the consequnces that come with it. That means if she needs to work,help pick up the slack, and move out of the family home that is what it means. Marriage is so not just about love and being happy. Of course we all want to be in love and happy, but marriage also has financial implications, and emotional implications, and physical implications, and convenient implications. No one ever thinks about it when they decide to holler divorce. My husband said he was not happy and he was not going to try in our marriage I told him divorce was not what I wanted, but no way in hell was I going to live with him in the same house screwing me when he felt the urge toying with my emotions all the while planning for our future divorce. I told him if he was not going to try he needed to go. He left and now he is moaning about having to pay the rent and the bills when he is not living here. It is not my problem. You should have thought about that when you said you wanted out. I just feel like if you are willing to work on it and she does not want to then she has to accept the consequences that come along with it. Fight for your kids, get your house and tell her honey if you want to work on it and come home we are here for you and if you don't that's okay too, but I won't continue to support you as though we are married. It is not about making her pay because she does not want to be with you, it is about protecting what you have and making sure you are going to be OK. She did what she thought she had to do to be OKAY, you do the same.
