Fifth month of WAW (Thread 4)

Hey Brit, I'm such a pathetic Clevelander that when I read about the gift cards from Giant Eagle, I wondered which of you gets the fuel perks. I'm getting ready to head out of town and I hope you have a good weekend.

Hahah - We usually just use them depending who needs gas. I don't think W has a Get-Go all that close to her, so I usually end up using most of them.

Have fun on your trip!

[foo fighter]

Brit,

Sorry to highjack your thread. I am a fellow Brit in Texas. My WAW left on August 15th 2007 to live with her boss and took the children. If you get time please read my thread.

I am in a very difficult situation here and do feel like giving up as it appears that she is in deep with this guy. I also feel that she has moved on. I do not want to give up but I have pride and do not feel that I can take help from her. It also still hurts to interact with her. She says that she wants me in her life but I am finding it difficult to let go and be friends.

I have not read all of your threads so I apologise but it seems that she is living away from you. How long has that been and how long has she broken up with OM?

How do cope with the patience knowing that the OM has a girlfriend and knowing your wife is, for a better word 'free' to make a choice and you wanting your wife back.

My wife is being nice to me about the christmas gifts and says that she still cares about me which is great but this is so difficult to handle especially when I am in desperate need of a good job and money to be able to support children and GAL.

If you have any words of encouragement or suggestions, it would be very much appreciated. I too am without family in the US.

Merry Christmas Brit. I hope it is the best it can be considering the current situation for both of us.

Foo

Brit,

Sorry to highjack your thread. I am a fellow Brit in Texas. My WAW left on August 15th 2007 to live with her boss and took the children. If you get time please read my thread.

I am in a very difficult situation here and do feel like giving up as it appears that she is in deep with this guy. I also feel that she has moved on. I do not want to give up but I have pride and do not feel that I can take help from her. It also still hurts to interact with her. She says that she wants me in her life but I am finding it difficult to let go and be friends.

I agree that it would be so much easier just to cut off all contact and take the time to emotionally separate from your W. You should remember that since she is living with her boss, that is a relationship with a very disjointed balance of control. If you think you can stick it out, it may be the time that you work on being her friend and show her that you will be there for her no matter what. Certainly don't be a doormat, but try not to get too caught up in everything with OM. It is very easy to get caught up in the 'love' emotions with someone, but it doesn't mean it's going to last, or that it is at all healthy.

I have not read all of your threads so I apologise but it seems that she is living away from you. How long has that been and how long has she broken up with OM?

My understanding is that she has never been 'together' with OM - They used to spend a lot of time together outside of work, but they really don't do that anymore. Mostly they just IM back and forth. I don't believe that much 'relationship' exists with him, other than what is in her head.

She has been living on her own for about 8 weeks now, and I'm moving in about three. Kind of like your wife, she won't let me go and wants me to live 'close by' when I find somewhere else to live - She moved back to a city 30mins from here we used to live in when we were first together, so we both want to be in that general area.

How do cope with the patience knowing that the OM has a girlfriend and knowing your wife is, for a better word 'free' to make a choice and you wanting your wife back.

I don't think she is emotionally free to make that choice right now - Even though there isn't anything going on, she is still 'entangled' emotionally with OM. She goes through phases when she gets mad and doesn't want anything to do with him, but then she ends up right where she was before.

Both my W and I believe that time apart is good for us, in whatever sense - W is defiantly in need of some time to herself to find her own path in life, because she really doesn't do anything anymore. I'm not sure if I am going to be part of that or not.

My wife is being nice to me about the christmas gifts and says that she still cares about me which is great but this is so difficult to handle especially when I am in desperate need of a good job and money to be able to support children and GAL.

If you have any words of encouragement or suggestions, it would be very much appreciated. I too am without family in the US.

Merry Christmas Brit. I hope it is the best it can be considering the current situation for both of us.

My suggestions would be to build a routine for yourself, spend time with your kids and realize that your W still 'needs' you in some capacity as she wants you around. I would use the time you have with her as her friend to demonstrate that she can have a happy life with you - Don't go overboard, but at least show her that you care and you are there for her.

Did she file for D yet, or make any steps towards that? My W hasn't done anything D or separation related, even though she used to keep telling me that she wanted to.

Merry Christmas!!

[foo fighter]

Brit,

Thanks for your input. My wife is a beautiful person really. I do not respect her for what she did and how she did it but deep down she has a good heart and that is why I married her.

She has not filed for D yet but says she is in January. However, she is not overjoyed about doing it. I have asked if she wants a divorce and all shes says is "nobody wants a divorce". She also says that she does not want to talk about it if I bring it up (I know that I should n't bring it up).

This is very hard and extremely frustrating.

Foo

Quite a hectic day - Spent pretty much all of it with W, which was nice.

I called her this morning because she said that D was going to make cookies at the IL's today, so I was curious what time they were going over. She said it'd be after nap time, but that I could come over now and we could all get lunch together. D was really excited to see me when I got to W's house, so we gathered stuff together and went for lunch. W was really quiet and cranky - If I made a joke, she would find fault with it, so most of lunch was kind of quiet. We put D down for her nap after we got back to W's, and W and I watched some TV, talked about some non-R related stuff and mostly just relaxed. We got D up from her nap and drove over to IL's house and waited for W's sister to show up with her H and their kids. We had a LOT of fun at the IL's and D crashed in the car on the way home (it was pretty late anyway).

W and I talked a lot on the drive home - A lot of R talk. She told me that it wasn't my fault that we had problems and that she has a lot of issues when it comes to dealing with stress and managing herself (stuff like money). She made lots of comments about how I 'did all you could' and 'I don't blame you for anything'. W was very critical of herself and pretty much blamed it all on her - I made a point of taking responsibility for the things I did wrong, and left it at that. W talked some about OM and this 'other' girl he is getting involved with. I didn't ask about him having a gf or whatever, but it sounds like a total disaster. W also talked a lot about her lack of independence when she is in an R and that she feels overwhelmed at times when she feels like she has to justify everything she does to someone. I validated and agreed with her on a lot of points and expanded a couple with my own thoughts that she agreed with.

When we got back to W's, we put D to bed and we ended up hugging a lot before I left. She asked me if I was doing okay, and I said that I was, and W told me that she was concerned about money, but she thought she'd figure it out. At one point she asked me if I was trying to 'feel her boobs', so I said "No, if I wanted to feel your boobs I'd do this" and, well, you get the idea. She told me to stop, but didn't go totally mental, which is progress. Yeah, I overstepped a boundary there, but she didn't seem too concerned about it.

I even got a bunch of hugs and kisses in after that, plus she called me 'sweetie' when she told me she loved me. When we were messing around at her parents' she noticed that I had gained some weight back and wanted to play with my tummy - She grabbed me and poked it when I left tonight and she told me that I looked better with some weight and she thought it was cute.

She asked earlier about Christmas, so I suggested that she comes over for dinner on Christmas Eve and maybe stays over with D so we can do Christmas morning together. When I left tonight she seemed a little closer to deciding to stay over, but she said she wanted to see how D slept tonight - No idea what that has to do with anything, but I told her to just let me know tomorrow what she wants to do.

I think that is about it - I'm totally exhausted tonight.

She has not filed for D yet but says she is in January. However, she is not overjoyed about doing it. I have asked if she wants a divorce and all shes says is "nobody wants a divorce". She also says that she does not want to talk about it if I bring it up (I know that I should n't bring it up).

If she files, she files - Doesn't sound like she will though. Most people don't avoid filing for divorce because of the convenience.... If you want out, you want out, and you just do it.

Sounds like you're going to have to continue on your holding pattern until OM crashes and burns.

[MinnesotaMan]

Hey, Brit, sounds like past few days pretty well for you. I'm glad to hear that!

Keep on going...whatever is going on, it sounds like things are going fairly decently, overall.

Have a good Christmas, man. : )

[need2change]

Wow reading that helped my situation. Since I just got done talking with my W about OM about 30 minutes I am still filled with emotion. I know OM read a lot of divorce and recovery books after OM got divorced about two years ago and I wonder if he is using them against me. For someone that just got out of a divorce it sure seems like OM wouldn't want to break one up, but OM doesn't mind talking to her all the time.

Thanks for the read, that does help me think in perspective. Merry Christmas.

Hey, Brit, sounds like past few days pretty well for you. I'm glad to hear that!

Keep on going...whatever is going on, it sounds like things are going fairly decently, overall.

Have a good Christmas, man. : )

I'll have a good Christmas - W seems pretty unhappy and tells me that she doesn't really care about Christmas. She tells everyone she is in a 'Bah Humbug' mood for the holidays. She bought a few gifts for D and ended up giving them to her over the weekend, rather than wrap them up and keep them for tomorrow because "D doesn't really know what Christmas is about". She also told her family she bought a bunch of stuff for D that she is keeping until the spring when the weather is good, but she told me she isn't buying them yet because she can't afford it. Wacky stuff.

[JennyF]

Hey Brit,
Did your W decide to stay over, that would be nice if she did. I wish this were a possibility but H left today at 2 after dropping D off and just said see you tomorrow morning. Oh well.

Hope you have a great Christmas! Your D may not totally know what is going on, but it will be a lot of fun nonetheless.
I hope you enjoy every minute of it.
J~